Iron Man vs Titanium Man: Then and Then

Nothing in comics says America and Capitalism like the character of Tony Stark, aka the Invincible Iron Man. While Businessman Lex Luthor might be the more realistic representative of the corporate wheeler-dealer he is the rapacious kind of (to paraphrase Steve Gerber) "grab it all, own it all, drain it all" entrepreneur that we all hope doesn't exist but probably does.

Tony Stark the inventor, the industrialist, the super hero is the kind of guy the Average Joe wants to actually head up a multi-national corporation. A bona-fide hero, he doesn't raid the pension plan or take a billion dollar salary as a reward for laying off thousands of employees. He's environmentally friendly. Tony Stark is no fool though, and is a shrewd businessman who has proved, at least in the Marvel Universe of Finance, that you can be a nice guy and still make billions of dollars.

In the comics Tony Stark has always been the reflection in the mirror held up to American business. During the Cold War and Vietnam he was a genius weapons-maker. In the 70's he built homes for the poor and alienated the government when he determined he would no longer manufacture munitions. During the great Michelinie/Layton/Et Al run in the 80's he fought against personal failures and fought off hostile takeovers from the competition and the Government. The 90's...hurts to talk about. Basically Tony went insane and sucked. In recent years I was really enjoying Tony Stark as the Secretary of Defense until a cross-over screwed up the direction of the book.

It was a new direction and not everyone liked it. After years of status quo in the character where Tony was just the rich industrialist playboy it was nice to see the character do something other than defend his corporate interests. Also, after decades of having various meaty-bits replaced with technology, Tony was being gradually "re-humanized" so the sudden return to Cyborg-Stark is a little annoying. Been there, done that. I guess if you haven't seen it one hundred times before like I have then it's new to you.

So as Tony Stark has usually been written in terms of prevailing American ideology it can be a bit amusing to see the changes to the character over the years. Particularly when you have a writer that has knowledge of continuity and is aware of what has been published previously.

In Tales of Suspense #71 (November 1965), Stan Lee, never one to pass up an opportunity for a little Cold War civics lesson, explains to the kiddies and hep college cats of the mid-60's in the basic differences between Americans and Commies. Stan Lee uses propaganda like a blunt force instrument.





On a trip behind the Iron Curtain, Tony Stark thoroughly beats up and humiliates that symbol of the Soviet military machine the Titanium Man, easily proving American superiority in all things.
After the fight Tony Stark tears off pieces of the armor for a trophy and (who you kidding?) a little reverse engineering. Also in the tradition of all 60's comic book heroes, Iron Man has to rub in the defeat with a lecture.

Don't worry...Lucky for you I'm not a red! I can't continue to attack a helpless enemy!

Notice it wasn't "won't attack", which would display some willful practice of superior methodology and ethics. Instead, Stan uses "can't attack", as if there is something genetic about Americans that make them physically unable to kick a hurt puppy or something.

Stan Lee then tells us the now helpless Titanium Man's greatest fear is that Iron Man will leave him to the mercy of his masters, the evil Commies.

Good old red-baiting Stan.

Cue Iron Man #135 (June 1980). A little over 15 years later the world has changed and so, apparently, have American sensibilities.

Bob Layton and David Michelinie had a great run on Iron Man in this comic era. John Byrne also scripted some good stuff during this time (#'s 258-277), but people have seemingly forgotten about them. They kicked butt, though. In this issue it is the eternal communist Boris Bullski, the Titanium Man who invades America and Tony Stark opens up a industrial-sized can of whup on him.

In a revealing contrast to the events of years before where Iron Man flexed the superiority of his ethical American muscles, Tony Stark pounds the bolts out of the Titanium Man long after he was unable to fight back.

In a parallel to the panels in Lee's Tales of Suspense story, Layton and Michelinie have Iron Man once again forcibly remove chunks of armor from Boris. Iron Man then totally frakows him into next week and really, really enjoys it.

Note the flag.

Not to get on a side rant here but this is a good example of continuity. This is the real thing that allows a writer to expand on a character and isn't the typical stereotype of fan nit-picking that people think makes the trembling geek enraged when an artist gets the number of framistats wrong on the secondary air-lock of the Negative Zone.

From comparing the two stories it's obvious that the Layton/Michelinie team had some familiarity of the IM/TM dynamic and this was America vs. Russia distilled for easy reading. Yes, it is still propaganda but it was that much more palatable due to the Jerry Bingham/Bob Layton art (and because I was also that much more clever than the hippies who read the book back in the 60's and I could never be fooled by such an obvious dramatic ploy).

Batman has no signal watch

So...

Batman...

being attacked by children...

who are ripping his clothes off.

He doesn't look like he's calling for help to me.

Looks pretty relaxed actually.

Superman must be "rescuing" Batman only because he is super-jealous.

Charlton Heston Needs Hugs Too

Always Remember...

Don't forget the Caption The Meme contest is still on! The meme is just about dead, but you can still win a free comic book. Plenty lurkers, few participants. I'll give it another few weeks and let people choose their favorite.

Zarrkoff

More Fantastic Four nastiness.

In Fantastic Four v1 #404, a disguised and sybaritic Zarrko, the Tomorrow Man ducks into a Four Freedoms Plaza alcove to use his hand held computer.



Maybe it was Phoebe Cates.

The real villain behind Infinite Crisis

In the recent Rann-Thanagar War - Infinite Crisis Special 01 (2006) the eternally befuddled Green Lantern Kyle Rayner and Starheart/Ion/Skank-power host Jade confront the giant mysterious energy hands that are emerging from a dimensional rift to destabilize the Rann/Thanagar planetary system and wreak havoc among hard science fiction aficionados.

Readers of the Infinite Crisis mini-series have probably concluded that the hands are an effect caused by Alex Luthor's manipulations of space-time as he reboots the universe to his specifications.

Well, I doubt it is that obvious. DC has a long history of flipping the McGuffin at the last second to fake out and annoy fans who puzzled out the climax of a major story arc event. In the 80's, after wags leaked that Captain Atom would be revealed as the science-villain Monarch, DC replaced the Captain with the character of the violent idiot-boy Hawk. In 2005, DC faked us out again by revealing that the new Eclipso would be the wife-killing Jean Loring, something so obvious and cliched that no one actually believed that it would actually occur!

Wanting to be the first to figure this mystery out, I have taken on the massive project of re-reading over the weekend very nearly every comic book DC has published in the last 60 years. My careful research has led me to believe that the true villain reaching through dimensions to twist reality into his own image is familiar to all of us comic fans. Sharp-eyed readers should have spotted him over the last several years as he has appeared occasionally in one title or another, often attached to a retcon or calamity of some kind.

THE BIG REVEAL
Hiding in plain sight, this supernaturally-powered villain has often re-ordered reality on a whim, played hero and villain against the other and mercilessly crushed all opposition to his goals of universal domination*.

Here he is...

Bet you didn't see that coming.

* Oh, yeah. I just made somebody's watch list.

Here you are

There you be.

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The search terms that really brought you here this week...

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Yeah.

Green Lantern sits around and stuff

I can't say "What the hell, Rucka?" with enough force. It just isn't physically possible to shout out loud enough to voice my dismay over the scene from Superman #648 of Hal Jordan sitting on his ass while an entire city burns to the ground.

The only reason I can think of that one of the guys who can wish it all better using the ring wasn't doing anything is because Geoff Johns has right of first refusal on the use of Green Lantern. Like John Byrne had with the FF, there is an agreement that the character is not used in a way that would "disagree" with what is going on in the characters' own title.

If a city explodes it makes sense story-wise to have all the heavy-hitters on scene, like Superman....but again, "What the hell, Rucka?"

You could have written GL doing something like rescuing puppies and returning them to the sad little girls! It looks like Hal is mentally going over his To Do list.

Reed Richards' fallback career

These are the most disturbing panels I've seen in a while.


If Reed Richards ever gives up adventuring with the Fantastic Four, he would very probably make lots of money starring in gay porn films.

Comic Book AD: Joe Kubert draws Ed McMahon

To prove the power of Joe Kubert just check out the sheer amount of awesome craft he put into this throw-away advert I found in a copy of Batman and the Outsiders #9 from April 1984.

I like how Joe made Ed McMahon the second banana to Sgt. Rock in the ad! That's only right, as Rock takes the sidekick spot on the couch for no man! It's funny that the teleplay the hospital patients are re-enacting for radio seems to be a subversive statement from Joe himself!
I have to hand it to Joe for supporting the sad, moping soldiers with a visit to the hospital, though. He has respect for the fighting man. He even autographed the wall in the recovery ward! How cool is that? Very.

Me am getting head injury!

While some people would argue that Hal Jordan is actually a caricature in himself, here is the mostly-forgotten Bizzaro-World Green Lantern, the self-named Yellow Lantern.

The Yellow Lantern first (and I think last) appeared in DC Comics Presents #71 (July 1984). He is a typical example of the comedic inversion of the DCU heroes. Instead of being fearless and a cosmic force to be reckoned with like his counterpart Hal Jordan, the Bizzaro-creature is devoid of any power of any kind and is a cringing, useless coward. Despite the contrary nature of the unliving doppleganger some things appear to be universal in regards to Hal Jordan.

Getting hit in the head.

...and a sterile head bandage to Scipio for starting the Hal's Head stuff.

National Gorilla Suit Day and global annihilation

You can't celebrate National Gorilla Suit Day without mentioning the embodiment of the Best and Worst example of the man in a gorilla suit that was ever captured on celluloid. No, not Bigfoot (though that guy comes in on a close second). In hushed, reverent tones I speak of...

Robot Monster

Now that's a gorilla suit for the ages!

Fred Hembeck's worst day ever

It's Fred Hembeck's birthday!

A birthday is one of those milestones that make you start thinking about years past. Opportunities seized, your challenges met, celebrations and successes.

I wonder if Fred ever looks back and recalls the disappointments? I know I do. Every. Minute. Of. Every. Day. So...I'm going to share the sadness and remind Fred Hembeck of that period in 1979 when his career very nearly came to an end at the uncaring hands of insanely jealous fellow "professionals".

What do I mean? I am referring to that dark day when his art was destroyed by the color correction from hell.

I don't have the backstory on what happened here but back in the 70's it was not unheard of to have the printers take it upon themselves to "fix" what they thought were incorrect color directions for a comic. I mean, it isn't like DC has no idea what they are doing, right? If the destruction of Fred's art was at the hands of a colorist, then he was an idiot or an outright mean person to screw up on a popular character. I can empathize with what must have been Fred's soul-annihilating disappointment when he received his comp copy from DC and discovered his hard work was mutilated!

To me, this Hembeck strip as it appeared in the October 1979 issue of Superman #340 made no sense. Everyone knew that Hal Jordan's weaknesses were the color yellow, cheap bimbos and soap, so what the heck was going on here? Defeated by a foe bearing wood? What is up with that stupid costume? Then I realized after an hour or so that Hembeck was guilty not of sloppy work, but the crime of trust in his fellow man. The fool.

Being the perceptive sort of fanboy I eventually puzzled out what had happened...And calmed down. This wasn't the Hal Jordan Green Lantern put into the wrong costume by a drunken artist! No. It was the Golden Age Green Lantern known as Alan Scott! Unfortunately the damage was done and Fred Hembeck's hilarious strip was ruined for eternity.

But what of the average reader? Hopelessly mired in established continuity the typical fanboy must have gone ballistic. I imagine that they rushed from their basement for a visit to Dad's work to use a IBM Selectric 2 to send off tens of letters of flaming righteous contempt to DC about the inaccurate Hembeck strip.

Undoubtedly, sales for all DC titles must have plummeted causing some kind of...I don't know, company-wide implosion or something.

So in the interest of accurate comic book history I'm going to do something I once swore I would never approve of....A retcon!

Here is the color-corrected version of the Hembeck strip. Now it makes sense, doesn't it? It's still funny! I don't know about Mr. Hembeck, but it feels as if a stone has been on my chest for the last 26 years and it has finally been removed.

This is my gift to you and the world.
Happy Birthday, Fred!

I hope the guy that screwed over Fred burns for eternity.

Caption The Meme Contest

Out of crushing boredom I thought I'd make up a contest based on the Always Remember meme unintentionally started by Dorian at postmodernbarney. The best original submitted caption(s) for the unfinished comic memes I started below will get featured here. As a bonus the winning entry just might get my review copy of Wrath of the Phantom Army. Maybe. I dunno, I may not feel like paying for shipping. Especially to overseas locations. So, no promises I can't keep.

Meme Entry 1: Wonder Woman and the Goddess Aphrodite from Wonder Woman , v2, #225 (March 2006)
Caption to beat: "Wonder Woman...Should have gone totally Black Canary on her ass"

Meme Entry 2: Bloodstone and actor Brad Carter from Marvel Presents: Bloodstone, v1, #2 (Dec 1975)
Caption to beat: "Bloodstone...Should be sure of his sexuality after 10,000 years"

I have only one copy of WotPA, so there can be only one winner. After/If I get some responses go ahead and vote for your favorite.

Oh, if you want to remain anonymous in the responses that's fine. Just put some kind of unique identifier in your comment.

Not Isaac

Tonight, the E! Channel Live From the Red Carpet pre-show for Screen Actors Guild Awards has Ryan Seacrest down on the floor meeting the stars. Appears the E! Channel got some brains, as Isaac (It's-okay-to-grope-because-he-is-gay) Mizrahi is nowhere to be found at the pre-show. Odd, considering that everyone in the media had just a few weeks before considered him the wonderful savior who by groping Scarlett Johansen and several other stars rescued the Golden Globes from crushing dullness. If that was true, you would think he'd be in demand by E!, since he has also been attached to do the greetings at the Oscars. Were I a Multimedia Suit, I'd pay Mizrahi what he wanted because his wonderful presence would help ratings and the stars would appreciate the exposure to his charming self. If it were true. I have a feeling he will be unable to do the Oscars due to illness/prior commitment or at least will be under tight control by producers anxious not to upset the guests.

Most telling I think was that tonight when Eva Longoria met Ryan Seacrest on the carpet she stated "I'm glad it's you and not Isaac."

I never really expected the popular media nor E! to speak out against Mizrahi, so I guess the best punishment we should expect him to receive is to have the shiny people and entertainment outlets ignore him for a while.

Gail Simone hates freedom

In the DC comic book Birds of Prey #57, Gail Simone takes the opportunity to use the character of the Huntress to propagandize the Youth of America against "illegal" and "unconstitutional" wire-tapping. In this particular issue the Huntress takes offense that someone would access her cell phone without permission, like there was something wrong with doing that.

from Birds of Prey #57, v1, (Sept 2003)

This subtle critique of our fine and patriotic fight against terrorists is inappropriate in a comic book. As a parent, I am shocked that innocent children that pick up a copy of this magazine expecting to see only large breasts and high kicks are being seduced by Gail Simones' subtle liberal and terrorist-enabling views. Children must understand that in the war against our enemies that the ends must justify the means. Especially against those personal enemies like reporters or citizens with contrary opinions. BoP #57 has sown confusion and oogy feelings among America's innocents and that is something that should not be caused by a comic book. A comic book must by its' nature be inoffensive and neutral. It should follow a sort of code of conduct or something as written by some body of authority, possibly by our government. That way insidious propaganda will not creep in and poison the spirits of young Americans.

What's the matter, MISS Simone? Why would you hint as far back as 2003 that the Oracle (who, like our Government, only hacks and eavesdrops on the evil for the good of America) is doing something wrong? The Huntress routinely beats up bad people without regard to "rights" and I don't see one squawk out of you about "civil liberties". You can't pick and choose what parts of the Constitution you agree with and disregard the rest, you know.

Your protestation proves you must be guilty of something. Who have you been chatting with? I demand you tell us how innocent those lengthy calls to that Mr. Albert Kaydah really are. Don't be surprised if you and everyone else in your left-wing, Greenpeace-hugging, medical-marijuana-puffing hippie cabal ends up on a No-Fly List.

Except for Ed Benes. He draws women pretty.

Groin Injury Saturday: Someday the bear gets you

In the Luna Brothers kind of icky follow-up title to the well done Ultra book of last year, the new issue of Girls gives readers what must be a comic book groin injury first. First, that is, outside of furry publications (which do not count as real comics).

Girls is the story of a group of trailer trash and rednecks who find themselves at the beachhead of an invading alien ecology. The best part of this series is that the townsfolk act much like I imagine people actually would behave in a similar situation. They run, cower, squabble and do selfish things. In panic, they also act real stupid.

In issue #9 of Girls a group of locals seeking a way out of the force field that has confined them to a small area around the town gets surprised by a curious bear.

The following scenes are hilarious*, as everyone attempts to apply all the bear attack survival techniques they learned from television and folk-wisdom. Of course, everything they know is wrong and the bear acts like a typical hungry predator.


As proof that cousins should not marry one of the group attacks the bear when everyone else played dead or ran away.

Now...bears are big animals that weigh alot. They have teeth and claws and can take a heck of a lot of punishment. It is something of a truism that shooting a bear will often serve only to enrage it. Bullets hurt and if they do not kill it, will make a bear very grouchy. So if small arms fire will not stop a big omnivore, what did this guy think he would accomplish by kicking it in the crotch?


Oh. "Suicide By Bear". That explains it.


* Yes, some of the word balloons were censored by me. Buy the book yourself if you want the cursing.

Green Lantern takes some "Me" time

Always Remember

Adventures of Superman #911

Oops! I mean...#648. This Infinite Crisis tie-in didn't do much for me because it was basically filler*. It reminded me way too much of the black cover Spider-Man 9-11 issue and those interminable CoIE "Red Skies" issues of the Detroit Justice League when the writer had no direction or clue what to do with the team for 6 months. It was also odd to see Green Lantern sitting on his backside when every other hero in town was lifting collapsed brick walls off the citizens.

Really, it read like someone's rejected script for Volume 3 of DC's 9-11. I kept expecting to see a scene with Lex Luthor shedding a tear to show up on a page.
Good thing there isn't a hell, or I'd be going there.

So I guess those Batman readers who couldn't get enough of the No Man's Land and War Games story arcs from a while back get another heaping helping with the upcoming Battle for Bludhaven opus I'll be ignoring.

* Still better than House of M.

Things I missed....but shouldn't have

My unquenchable hate for all things He-Man made me miss this awesome DOOMCOPTER!

Somehow, I completely overlooked this incredible Monkey Nazi cover from Weird War #89. I am ashamed.

I bought this for a friend's kid, and then realized I should have looked at it earlier because I missed out on the opportunity for juvenile humor.

Mary Jane Watson's sordid past

When early in their careers, many actresses or models have to do things that in later years they would not do. In order to get food or pay the rent, models often choose to appear in questionable films or photo shoots just for a few bucks to hold them over until the next opportunity comes along. The wife of professional loser Rick Jones, Marlo appeared in an adult film, as did Superman. The She-Hulk appeared, albiet unwillingly, in the pages of an adult magazine.

Marvel's permanent has-been-that-never-was model/actress/party-favor Mary Jane Watson is another fame-seeker who paid the bills by supplementing her income with whatever modeling job was available. In Fantastic Four v1 #120 (March 1972) Mary Jane looks to be the featured model of Pin-Up Parade, the sleazy girlie-mag held in Ben Grimm's paws. The magazine looks like one of those that has a disclaimer on every page that claims "All models are at least 18 years of age. Proof of Age is on permanent file at the main offices at 666 Rockefeller Plaza.".

Well, at least she made the cover.

Ben Grimm also shows true class by leafing through a cheap porn magazine in front of a teen-age boy and his boss. Good show! Of course, understanding the Torch/Thing dynamic as I do, the big guy probably found the magazine under Johnny's mattress and he's nonchalantly looking through it without letting on to either Reed or Johnny that he found it, just to embarrass the kid.

Someday, I expect Mary Jane's past will return to destroy her just as it did to Karen Page.

FYI, if you have never read Fantastic Four v1 from issue #1 through #200 (including Annuals), you really should at the earliest opportunity.