Sunday, July 16, 2006

Super-hero pity sex is the best kind!

In West Coast Avengers #17 (February 1987), the Super-Catholic Firebird, now calling herself Vacant Stare Espirita, appears from out of nowhere and intervenes in the suicide gesture of a despondent Hank Pym. She shouldn't have had to worry. Hank is such a loser he'd surely miss even if he had the barrel of the gun surgically implanted into his gray matter to a depth 4 inches.

Using a combination of scripture and penis-teasing, Espirita soon convinces Hank that life is worth living in spite of his flaws and failures and he takes on the new persona of himself...Dr. Pym, Scientific Adventurer!

He also insists on being called The Doctor and takes to wearing a big coat, hat and long scarf similar to the Tom Baker interpretation of Dr. Who.
Stupid.

Hank practices his power to be incredibly lame by having a introduction battle with a visiting Moon Knight, who pities Hank enough to just throw him to the ground instead of beating him to death in three seconds.

Double Stupid.

Anyways, by the end of WCA #21 the naive La Espirita, against all common sense, allows herself to be romantically involved with the damaged Hank Pym by saying those magic words guaranteed to make the brains of at least 12 fanboys asplode: "I'm not a nun".

In the long history of very bad ideas this is a VERY BAD IDEA.

Hank has a semi-trailer full of emotional baggage shrunk down to microscopic size and he carries it on his person at all times, always ready to enlarge it at a moment's notice and use as an impenetrable barrier. Hank Pym is so dsyfunctional, his dysfunctionality has actually pierced the dimensional barrier between universes and manifested as Ultimate Dysfunctionality in the character of Ultimate Wife-Punching Hank Pym. While Espirita has a good and kind heart, she also has kind of a dim brain. Apparently, she never read any of the Avengers case files while on monitor duty or watched the news because Hank would have been the last person on earth she would ever got involved with if she did.

After a couple of issues (so to speak) the couple parted ways and for once it wasn't caused by Hank beating up on a woman or attempting to kill his team mates. It was instead due to Espirita needing to follow her bliss into comic book limbo and Hank not being interested enough in steady sex to accompany her on her quest of self-discovery. Go figure.
Good idea, Hank. Don't waste any time practicing that Kung Fu Grip. You'll need it. From what I can tell, Hank didn't get any action again until he went vagina spelunking with the Ex about 15 years later.

It's fortunate they broke up before her pity for Hank twisted into self-loathing and before Hank reverted to type and raised a hand to her. Espirita can burn as hot as the surface of the sun, after all.
"I hated to do that, baby. But I told you about coming into the lab while I'm working."
"I understand, Hank. Say...is it hot in here or is it just me? Oh, that's right. It's me."
"AAAAARGH!"

2 comments:

  1. Yeah, but that Iron Man issue where Pym shrinks then-Iron Man Jim Rhodes to action figure size, then throws pocket change enlarged to the size of manhole covers at him? Sweet.

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  2. In hindsight, isn't saving Hank Pym's life somewhere on a par with shoving Lex Luthor out of the path of an oncoming truck? Technically, isn't Espirita therefore a villain? She's probably off somewhere looking for a way to rescue "those poor folks trapped in the Phantom Zone".

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