Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Darwin Re-Do

I was reading one of my favorite websites today and an entry about the stupidifying of science caught my attention. Apparently, Creationists are removing sections of the paradigm shifting work of Charles Darwin, thereby changing the overall content and prefacing it with their own brand of wingnuttery that fulfills their own agenda. Doublethinking works of art or science that are in the public domain in order to make them a part of a cherry-picked revised history is a heinous idea that is being being utilized only for their vulnerability to abuse and to fill an agenda. Several years from now when the the legitimate copies of the Darwin book are out of print or unavailable online due to a possible future non-neutrality of the internet, the wingnut versions will undoubtedly still be widely available as publishing loss-leaders supported by the wacky fringe as part of their general warrgarbhl background noise.

Then I had a thought. Mash-ups of different literary genres are making money hand over fist these days and I felt like a sucker for not jumping on board that particular lucre-train sooner. The novelty text-mixes of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters is filling the coffers of the authors quite nicely, I understand. Well, except for that of Ms. Austen, that is.

So much like the Creationists I came up with my own special house mix of science and fantasy of mankind's most famous work. Look for it on the shelves of your favorite book store just in time for the War on Christmas.


Check below for the special preview excerpted from the thrilling 4th chapter of The Origin of the Species and Zombies by Charles Darwin and myself. Originally published 1859 with the revised edition copyright 2009.

Extinction Caused By Natural Selection

Furthermore, the species which are most numerous in individuals will have the best chance of producing within any given period favourable variations. We have evidence of this, in the facts given in the second chapter, showing that it is the common species which afford the greatest number of recorded varieties, or incipient species. Hence, rare species will be less quickly modified or improved within any given period, and they will consequently be beaten in the race for life by the modified descendants of the commoner species. The exception being Zombies that will, however, multiply exponentially within the current generation and exterminate in short order all other competing species within any given geographical area.

From these several considerations I think it inevitably follows, that as new species in the course of time are formed through natural selection or plague of virulent walking dead, others will become rarer and rarer, and finally extinct. Upon examination many extinct forms will be discovered to be missing their brains. The forms which stand in closest competition with those undergoing modification and improvement, will naturally suffer most, such as humanity. And we have seen in the chapter on the Struggle for Existence that it is the most closely-allied forms, varieties of the same species, and species of the same genus or of related genera, which, from having nearly the same structure, constitution, and habits, generally come into the severest competition with each other. Zombies exploit this in fascinating yet horrible ways. While they are bereft of speed and higher cognitive functions, Zombies practice an unconscious cooperative pack behavior and sheer numbers will eventually bring down even the swiftest prey.

Consequently, each new variety or species, during the progress of its formation, will generally press hardest on its nearest kindred, and tend to exterminate them through natural predation or brain eating. We see the same process of extermination amongst our domesticated productions, through the selection of improved forms by man. Many curious instances could be given showing how quickly new breeds of cattle, sheep, and other animals, and varieties of flowers, take the place of older and inferior kinds. In Yorkshire, it is historically known that the ancient black cattle were displaced by the long-horns, and that these 'were swept away by the short-horns' (I quote the words of an agricultural writer) 'as if by some murderous pestilence of ravenous, walking undead.'


  1. That is awesome. I want to totally read that book. I want to devour it (pun intended)

  2. Please tell me that's a real book




  4. You know, we could fight the wingnuts by responding in kind. We could rewrite a version of the bible (also public domain) and change the creation story to fit what we know is true. Also, we could change the 10 commandments, eliminate many of those pesky food and clothing laws and to really piss them off, change that line in Leviticus from

    Leviticus 18:22
    Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.

    and make it say:

    New Leviticus 18:22
    Thou shalt accept those who lie with mankind as with womankind: to exclude them is abomination.

    See, we just make our own bible up and really, what can they do about it?

  5. Shoot abortion doctors and radio talk show hosts, usually.


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