Happy New Year 2012

Click to make humungous, print and put it together to usher in 2012!

From Child Life (January 1928).

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays for 2010!

Vintage art and a poem from Child Life #1 (1928). Words by Marjorie Barrows, art by Margaret Whitman.

I'm gonna be your Santa Claus even if my whiskers ain't white

Christmas Eve Blues
performed by Blind Lemon Jefferson (1928)

Oh Mama! This is goin' to be a hard winter.

Look at how it snowin'. Baby won't you hear me moan.

Now it's the day before Christmas

Mama won't you hear me moan

Now just the day before Christmas

Mama won't you hear me moan

If you take me back, baby

I'll get you anything you need

I had a good chance,

Baby give me just one more

I had a good chance,

Baby give me just one more

I will show you some lovin', like you never have been before

I know I did do wrong, I'm just as sorry as I can be

Sorry as I can be

It's the day before Christmas,

Mama please come back to me

Mama don't turn me down on this Christmas Eve

Mama don't turn me down on this Christmas Eve

I cried about you so hard done wetted my whole coat sleeve

It's the day before Christmas, Let me bring your present tonight

It's the day before Christmas, Let me bring me your present tonight

I'm going to be your Santa Claus even if my whiskers ain't white

Christmas Eve Blues, folks.

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist

Santa and San Diego's KGB Chicken circa 1978.
Photo by Barry Fitzsimmons, post title by Arlo Guthrie.

Santa in Cowboy Boots

While most sites are posting the same old Christmas song videos here is my humble video entry which I can pretty much guarantee no one else has ever posted before because...Well, listen for yourself.

Cowboy Santa from the cult classic Girl In Gold Boots (1968). Words and music by Nick Busillo, sung by Larry Cartell.

Do Not Tease the Golem

Top Secrets #2 (1949).

Newer every day

Today's my birthday so I'm taking it easy and hanging out with the family.

I'll tally up my loot and make a list. I always carefully analyze what I get so I can later destroy those who gave me stuff by bestowing them with amazing, impossible gifts on their birthday or holiday.

Mysta Mondays and the next chapter of early female empowerment in comic books will post sometime tonight after I take my nap and chase those kids off my lawn.

Let there be fireworks

A special message for those driving tonight: If you want to watch the fireworks then don't be a jerk. Take the time to pull over off the road to enjoy the spectacle.

Why the PSA? Historically, there are multiple accidents along I-5 near the Mission Bay area during a fireworks show. I'm going to be passing through the area about that time taking my wife to work and I don't want our lives ruined by the gawker behind the wheel who is distracted by the pretty shiny up in the sky.

Loot is what she lived for

Not much to this story from Wings Comics #74 (October 1946) other than the great cover and the page featuring the shot to the face. It is noteworthy that Madame Hell Hawk went to jail at the end and didn't betray her fellow bandits due to some good American loving from Captain Wings.

Valen-Treasures for Valentine Day

Have fun!

Child Life (February 1957).

Operation: Awesome Christmas

Usually I could give a hang about the Holidays. This attitude is due to so many years in the military, where every day was just another work day. Traditional family celebrations were always delayed or shifted around because somebody had to be out there in the keeping the Communists and South American Drug Lords away from the nuclear missiles and it was usually me. You are welcome. Plus, the whole religious aspect of this part of the calendar is an annoying, laughable sham promoted only to enslave the stupid and gullible in order to sell off all the crap that fills the shelves of the local Woolworth.

Yet this season is different. For the first time after several years I've finally paid off enough debt from my Stupidlandia debacle so I have some extra cash to throw around at the family. Thus began Operation: Awesome Christmas.

I can't post what I'm getting everybody here on the off-chance the family will read it here. They have never as far as I could tell ever visited the site but there is always a first time and I don't want to spoil the surprises. Some of the gifts will be expensive, some not. What I plan is to carefully evaluate each member of the gang and find a present that will blow them away with awesomeness. There is nothing they could give me that would not look like manure in comparison, and not the good manure, either. More like that cheap off-brand manure you get at Super Discount Sav-A-Lot that is manufactured out of feces from animals other than cows, sand from foreclosed schoolyard playgrounds and expired Fig Newtons.

My intention is to completely crush the other members of the family with their gifts. I imagine Christmas morning will go something like this:

"Here, honey! Open your present."
"Oh. Thanks. A $10 gift card to Blockbuster. This will come in handy if I ever go back in time to when a store was open. Here, now open yours."
"OH. MY. GOD. SHRIIIIEEEEK!"
"Yep. That was the best [redacted] on the market. Brand new, upgraded, one of a kind and certified antique [redacted] I could find. I had to bribe the store owner to sell it to me, threaten a puppy and kneecap the guy in front of me in the line so I could get the last [redacted]."
"SHRIIIIEEEEK!"
"Excellent. I totally win at Christmas."

Yeah, I'm going to rule Christmas morning this year. I'll post the results after the Holiday.

Happy Halloween

Drive safe! Lots of children and teens out there on the streets. Tonight of all nights don't be in such a hurry to get to the house/liquor store/bacchanal. For pity's sake, put down the bong long enough to get to your destination in one piece and without leaving a trail of destruction in your wake. I live and work in a college area so I know of what I speak.

Calling All Girls (October 1960).

The Bane of Toastmasters

Here is the Schoolhouse Rock educational video from 1975 that ensured that no one of my generation will ever be able to recite the Preamble of the Unites States Constitution without unintentionally speak-singing it.

Vocals by Lynn Ahrens

I can't tell how many times I have heard someone stretch out the words when saying the phrase "The-uuhhhh-uh-uhhh United States of...America." Such is the power of the insidious meme.

Happy July 4th!

The Eye of Odin explains the Christmas miracle

In The Mighty Thor #293 (March 1980) the malevolent Eye of Odin, cast into a magical well by its previous owner as part of a bargain to gain knowledge imparts some forgotten Asgardian history upon Thor. In a several issues long story that covers several mythological epics the Eye tells the Thunder God about the Cycle of Ragnarok, that the destruction of the Norse pantheon is a recurring and not a singular event. Along the way, the Eye of Odin tangentially reveals the true story behind the miracle of Christmas.

You know, I'm going to make a point of insisting that the fabled Star of Bethlehem was actually the burning ruins of Asgard in any of my future discussions of religion. No reason one myth can't be grafted onto another.

Sorry, Kids!

No presents this year.


Santa's autopsy from Bones (Season 3).

Time Travelin' Schatzi's Happy New Year!

You never know where Time Travelin' Schatzi © will show up next! But Schatzi is a good dog so he stole a few minutes from his mission to save all of reality to drop in on San Diego's beautiful Ocean Beach in the year 1918 and pose for a Happy New Year photo with some bathers!

Moments after the photo was taken Schatzi sniffed out the sun-worshipers as actually being smelly tourists from Maryland and chased them off our beaches and out of the county, sending them all on their way back to Stupidlandia where they came from with comical rips to the seats of their pants and swim trunks. Schatzi doesn't like the Maryland tourists fouling San Diego's beaches and fine vistas with their imported garbage, foul presence and heathen ways. Good boy!

Where will Schatzi appear next? One never knows!

Frosty the Golem

Nothing says "supernatural vengeance" like a mass of unliving natural materials animated and set on a path of justice by those who have suffered at the hands of others. Frosty the Snowman, the sanitized Rankin-Bass television special aside, is a Golem in the traditional sense.

The famous seasonal song immortalized by Gene Autry holds much clear evidence as to Frosty's origins and ultimate purpose. The lyrics of the tune are easy enough to interpret correctly. Frosty is in actuality a creature of Old Testament-style power created by Kabala-worshiping children to correct the inequities they suffered at the hands of the citizens and from the horrible pogroms of the anti-semitic town in which they reside. Lacking tools or anything that could be used as a weapon the desperate and faithful children build a Golem of legend out of the only material they could easily manipulate and gather: Snow.

By placing a hat (very likely a yarmulke) imbued with powerful magic upon a humanoid form fashioned of inanimate matter, a Golem is brought to a semblance of life by a vengeful God in answer to the children's anguished prayers. Dubbed "Frosty"by the innocent and non-ironic children, the creature is sent from its birthing place in the forest armed with a "broomstick" (rather, a huge club of some sort) into the village on a mission of vengeance. Song scribes Steven "Jack" Rollins and Steve Nelson do not even attempt to hide the terrible descriptions of the Snow-Golem's murderous spree of righteous retribution to be found in the lyrics of the song.

The phrase "Thumpety thump thump" is repeated several times during the song, succinctly describing not the martial tune of an impromptu parade of happy children following an imaginary character into innocent play, but rather the continuous blows of icy fists made hard as granite by the bitter cold against the flesh of those who would oppress the innocent. Frosty's first target of retribution upon entering the village is a "police officer" who is actually the symbol of racist, intolerant government and authority. Just as in the classic legend of the Golem, once the ice creature completes it's mission it departs and returns to its previous state of lifeless, inanimate matter, promising to "be back again some day" if needed to mete out swift punishment against evil-doers.

While it is true that the Golem is merely a weapon that acts as the instrument of God's will sometimes not all of the missions end in large scale destruction and death. On occasion God is merciful and Frosty the Golem is set on a path not of destruction but enlightenment. In the following story adapted from ancient legends for the 1954 issue of Dell Comics "Frosty the Snowman" the Golem is summoned by a victim of intolerance and battles racism by the simple act of patrolling a village. Frosty the Golem appears harmless and even helpful in the all-ages version of the tale, but doubtlessly the very presence of the creature forced the terrified citizenry to re-think their intolerant ways and accept the cultures and people that do not act, think, worship or dress as they do.

Look past the cartoon figures and funny animals and you can sense the seething anger and pain that must have sent the frozen creature on it's mission. Brrrrr!

Frosty the Golem says:
Take heed, heathens!

The Super Jrs.

From the Super Jrs. Holiday Special (March 1985).

Holiday Special: Invaders from the Ice World!

Nothing says Silver Age DC like world conquering aliens from outer space that just so happen to look like buildings, dogs, motor vehicles and even the occasional innocent snowman!

In Strange Adventures #79 (April 1957) the story "Invaders from the Ice World" is an entry typical of that era of DC. It has the familiar plot featuring a generic Science Detective going up against an invading force that uses technology far in advance of Earth, is invulnerable to brute force and atomic weapons, yet who are beaten back by wits, brains and sometimes simple parlor tricks.

It isn't a great story but it is serviceable enough and kind of fun. I enjoyed this particular issue more for the bizarre and incredibly awesome cover than anything else. The cover is far superior to the story itself, which is something that happened a lot in comic books, particularly in the Silver Age (check out any 1960s Neal Adams cover for many examples). It is a shame that the realities of today's diminished market doesn't allow a comic book company to just throw out any wacky thing they can and see if it sticks. Back when DC was the clear powerhouse market leader they could do just about anything they wanted and not worry overly much if it failed or not. Their business model was a sort of diversification and it showed in how many titles they launched. If one concept worked out, then great. If not, don't look back and move on to the next idea.

One thing that becomes evident in reading these stories is that the aliens of the Silver Age DCU are a superstitious and cowardly lot and only invade a world they can easily defeat by using their advanced and terrifying science. Aliens never try to seduce a population with ideology but rather just exploit American cold war fears. Every time they come up against the least amount of resistance they flee our part of the galaxy, never to return.

Read Invaders from the Ice World by laying a finger on the brim of the picture below!