Monday, March 19, 2012

Monday with Hayley Mills: True Crime

Hayley Mills does not have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. What is wrong with you, entertainment world?

Friday, March 02, 2012

Husband-Hunting Tips

From various 1950s issues of New Romance I present as a public service announcement some really handy advice for those young women intent on pursuing romance with a steady beau all with the goal of getting hitched.

As all women know, good health is essential in maintaining your gene-derived, socially acceptable standards of good looks that are wholly dependent upon evolving cultural expectations! Sleeping with a window open for fresh air is a recurring theme in some of these old pre-Polio vaccine PSA's. Breathing in Radon and mold day and night is a general no-no so it's a good idea to have adequate ventilation. But it all depends on where you live. If you live in a universe where it is cool for a teen-ager to take their dad to a party and school yard gangs talk out their differences instead of popping caps into each other , then by all means, go for it. But where I live sleeping with an open window means you will probably wake up (if at all) with a crack-head holding a box-cutter to your throat as his buddy unplugs your TV.

Good Health is BEAUTY

Then of course girls must always appear cheerful! Nothing makes the boys shy away faster than a moody girl. Show a smile! Boys don't like girls that appear thoughtful or express emotions that don't compliment them. If maintaining cheerfulness is difficult on even the best days ask your mom how she does it. Many aids to happiness come in easily-obtained and affordable liquid or pill form.

Hold that SMILE

Almost as important as good looks is the ability to not embarrass any males you have come into contact with! Be polite, deferential but have your wits about you. But not too much! Be careful, girls! If you appear too smart boys won't like you and instead of a home, hearth, husband and children to keep you warm at night it will be your hot tears staining the pages of a textbook on science!

Smart Talk

Once you have all the basics down you can go on the prowl! Not having to work after high school is important for the modern girl! Time is a wasting! So get involved in all those hobbies that men enjoy but proceed with caution. Don't fully participate in sports and hobbies, LOOK ON ADORINGLY ONLY, or if that is not possible, ensure you take on the role of an accessory, like a tennis racket stand or gym bag carrier (but not too heavy a bag, you don't want big ugly muscles!). Take steps to ensure you don't intimidate a guy or show him up and faster than you can say "Holy Matrimony" you will be fulfilling your role as a wife, mother and homemaker!

How to meet HIM

And then it is HAPPILY EVER AFTER!