Sunday, July 30, 2006

A Comic Book Romance Euphemism

"And, of course, I just had to repay his generosity him..."

Whatever lie gets you through the self-loathing, honey.

- from DC 100 Page Super Spectacular #5 (1971)

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Kid Power!

The Arisia relationship makes a lot more sense now.

- from Green Lantern #70 (v2, July 1969)


Hal Jordan's Threesome

One of the many "3-Fer" hits to Hal Jordan's head that appear in the Green Lantern series. There are almost too many to count.

Guy Gardner went insane and violent after getting just one telepathic smack in the head by Sinestro. Going by that, a big yellow space bug was hardly necessary to make Hal become Parallax as he has received more than enough brain damage over the years that it's amazing he hasn't turned into the Anti-Monitor.

- Part of the Hal Jordan Head Injury Project, from Green Lantern #65 (v2, December 1968).

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Sunday, July 23, 2006

The Hal Jordan Head Injury Project

In celebration of the anniversary of one year of blogging on Lady, That's My Skull, I have just started the Hal Jordan Head Injury Project. I have accepted the calling of documenting and posting all the head traumas Hal has received in his career as an intergalactic status quo enforcer (I'm not including the full-body hits that cause the Emerald Crusader to take a nap, just the hits to the brain both physical and mental). This is a heck of a project because Hal was portrayed by creative teams as kind of a bull-in-the-china shop frat boy for about 40 years. I don't know if anyone else has taken on a task of this magnitude or done something similar but I won't quit even if they did. I'll keep it up as long as my scanner holds out*. As far as I'm concerned, you can never have enough images of Hal Jordan taking one in the brain pan floating around.

As of this posting I'm only up to issue #38 of the 1960's series of Green Lantern and there are more THWACKS! than you can shake a stick at. That's a lot of dead brain cells. For Hal, I mean.

A big old hat tip to the Absorbascon's own Scipio, who sparked the idea and started it all.

* If anyone wants to contribute to this historic archive then please feel free to email it to me or provide a link. Thanks to those real friends, internet friends and others that have already worked on some of the panels for me. This is my hobby but any assist will be appreciated and you will get a credit as a contributor. All I ask is that the image be in color (unless the original source was b/w and that you provide some basic info like the title of the book and issue number of where the image came from). The b/w collections are okay....but some panels, like the lamp scene from Showcase #22, work better in color.

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Friday, July 21, 2006

Contest? What contest...Oops!

I can't believe I forgot all about the Caption The Meme Contest. Well, I mean I can believe it, because I did. I delayed administering to the contest for a few weeks because of my work schedule. It flips around daily from day shift to night shift. I'm also a slow runner (more of a shuffler, really) and those darn Marshall's run so very, very fast. So the result being I was exhausted, and then it slipped my mind. I only remembered it now because I saw a butt-load of lurker-hits going to that page over the last few days.

Since I am a lizard-bug of my word, I am prepared to give up my mint copy of the Heritage Watch comic book Wrath of the Phantom Army to the winner.

It was too hard for me to choose the winning entry from the posts and e-mails because they were all so funny, witty and some of these people were friends. So I showed them to a few non-participating friends in the comic-geek and non-comic geek sphere and they voted for the one they liked the best.

And here is the winning entry for the dead meme contest...

Your comic book is on it's way! Those who did not win have my thanks for participating and need to STFU because it's an honor just to be nominated.

Boogie Emerald Nights

I don't know if anyone has noticed, but the last few years of increasing awareness of how women characters are portrayed in comic books has yielded changes that I believe were an unintended consequence for the audience. The wide spread protests, snark and educational essays in blogs and forums have, ironically, actually caused the problems of the exploitation of gender to become worse.

Instead of writers and artists toning down the cheescake and soft porn in regards to women, they have instead increased the hyper-sexualization of the male characters in order to make all things equal.

Case in point, Alan Scott...


Guess the shoe is on the other foot now, so to speak.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The Best Comic Book Ad EVER EVER EVER!

"Simba, my friend...What! You're not Simba!"

What long-time comic fan doesn't remember the classic line from the 1975 comic book advertisement Tarzan Discovers the Land of the Prehistoric Animals drawn by Joe Kubert for Pom Poms candy and Aurora's model kits?

The ad ran for several months in various comic books of 1975 -1976 as a tie-in from Nabisco and the long-time comic book ad standby, the hobby company Aurora, pushing a series of mail-order Prehistoric Animals model kits. This particular copy was found inWorld's Finest Comics #234 (December 1975) and is permanently burned into my brain, taking up precious memory space I can ill afford to squander on ancient pop media. But it is worth it for the Kubert!

As far as ads go, it is a truly memorable one due to the art and subject matter. The ad is unique in that it is a small and self-contained story of Tarzan, who falls through a time-hole and is stranded for a short time in a land where extinct dinosaurs and mammals coexist. This ad is so complete it is very nearly a comic book back-up story in itself! It has great layouts and pacing by a Kubert who was, as usual, putting in a talented and professional effort. In the first panel Kubert draws Tarzan as exhausted from his unexpected journey, traumatized and possibly injured by events he can not comprehend. Tarzan encounters a big cat he mistakenly believes a friend and Kubert shows how devastated Tarzan is, who narrowly escapes with his life. Then in a following scene Kubert shows the reader that an important survival lesson was learned as thereafter, Tarzan warily avoids the big predators and lives long enough to make his way home. You can also see how Kubert worked to make the static poses of the models appear dynamic and exciting.

Click the ad for dino-sized picture and enjoy!

As a funny* aside, Tarzan's dialog was a short-lived meme among San Diego comic book geeks way back when.

Eat the Kuberty goodness!

* Not "funny-ha-ha", but "funny-you-had-to-be-there". For instance, if you and a friend were confronted by an aggressive stray dog in an alley, Tarzan's dialog is what you would say in all mock-seriousness to the dog right before running away as fast as you could.

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Bad, Brad Meltzer! Bad!

Would the Diana I know from the comics of the 60's to today really dismiss Red Tornado's sacrifice so out of hand and with such cruelty? I do not think so.

- Panel from Justice League of America #0 (September 2006)

The only way I could believe that Diana was so human-centric was only if she knew what none of the others did; that Reddy was not at all sentient, but rather was just an incredibly complex machine that mimicked being self-aware, tiny metaphysical tornado elemental soul notwithstanding.

So this is either Meltzer bulldozing ahead with mischaracterization or a retcon that shows a more hardened, practical warrior princess.

No cookie for Brad!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Deli Zen

So I'm at the store and I'm lingering at the sea food deptartment, and I notice the live lobsters tank.

While the majority of the tasty critters are just sitting around doing nothing, a couple of them were not and were pretty active.

Two lobsters, banded claws and all, are facing off doing the whole territorial, alpha-crustacean thing.

These little guys are trapped and ultimately doomed, yet they continue jockeying to prove who's King Water-Bug of the tank by scuttling around, waving their claws about and trying to make the other back down into submission.

And at that moment, I was enlightened.

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Misogyny West Coast

Gosh, Jan. You think maybe your long-term memory loss has something to do with getting punched in the face by Hank Pym for all those years?

- Panel from Avengers West Coast #63 (October 1990)

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Superman Returns - The Official Movie Adaption: DC chickens out

I didn't expect it to be great but the official comic book adaptation of Superman Returns was very disappointing. It added nothing to the story but instead did, in fact, take elements away from the film. There is no excuse for why DC would not be able to put together a better adaptation considering that Superman is a property that they are very familiar with. The book appears to be created by an uncaring committee and that guarantees a shoddy product. In another era I'd expect a copy of this book to be in a cheap plastic bag with a Whitman logo on it, packaged with 10 other throw away comics consisting of various issues of Richie Rich, Little Lotta and Archie. A little bit of art, wit and talent applied to the adaptation would have made this relevant to the mythos.

It's mandatory that someone publish the comic, novelization and easy-reader version of the movie but DC should have done a better job or if they did not really care about it, then farm it out. Whatever there was about the film that was even remotely interesting was bleached out. The entire issue is just somewhat random scenes that seems cribbed from a summary of the script. Even the trip to the ruins of Krypton and Argo City by Superman that was cut from the film (but will likely show up on the DVD) was sparse and added absolutely nothing to the story.

I can't imagine that the film producers were worried about spoilers to the general non-fan public, so it must have been to delay the comic fan or conservative media reaction to a new Superboy. A child out of wedlock and a dead beat Dad might not have been the sort of publicity the studio wanted to focus on.

One the plot points left out of the comic is the revelation that Superboy had powers and used them to kill a thug who was threatening his mom. No smooshing by a piano here.

In fact, all obvious references that might lead one to believe Superman had a child is either skipped over or deleted from the comic. There is a touching Prince Charming/Snow White type hospital scene when Supes is comatose, but it isn't much of a revelation. Children love and respect Superman/Moses and a thank you kiss for saving the world isn't out of possibility.

So Superman has a kid? If I saw that in the comic I'd definitely want to see the film, then. A comic adaptation is advertising. It is a teaser. It is there to continue or generate new interest in a film. No one who picks up a comic adaptation will decide they don't have to see the film since they have already read the story. But a poor adaptation is at the same time poor adverstising. Much of the box office success of Superman Returns relies on the patronage of the average person who does not read comics. While the adaptation will not make or break the receipts it didn't help either.

If you are inclined to read a Superman Returns-like tale then just forget this filler and grab yourself some copies of the Up, Up and Away story arc in the recent Action Comics.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Super-hero pity sex is the best kind!

In West Coast Avengers #17 (February 1987), the Super-Catholic Firebird, now calling herself Vacant Stare Espirita, appears from out of nowhere and intervenes in the suicide gesture of a despondent Hank Pym. She shouldn't have had to worry. Hank is such a loser he'd surely miss even if he had the barrel of the gun surgically implanted into his gray matter to a depth 4 inches.

Using a combination of scripture and penis-teasing, Espirita soon convinces Hank that life is worth living in spite of his flaws and failures and he takes on the new persona of himself...Dr. Pym, Scientific Adventurer!

He also insists on being called The Doctor and takes to wearing a big coat, hat and long scarf similar to the Tom Baker interpretation of Dr. Who.

Hank practices his power to be incredibly lame by having a introduction battle with a visiting Moon Knight, who pities Hank enough to just throw him to the ground instead of beating him to death in three seconds.

Double Stupid.

Anyways, by the end of WCA #21 the naive La Espirita, against all common sense, allows herself to be romantically involved with the damaged Hank Pym by saying those magic words guaranteed to make the brains of at least 12 fanboys asplode: "I'm not a nun".

In the long history of very bad ideas this is a VERY BAD IDEA.

Hank has a semi-trailer full of emotional baggage shrunk down to microscopic size and he carries it on his person at all times, always ready to enlarge it at a moment's notice and use as an impenetrable barrier. Hank Pym is so dsyfunctional, his dysfunctionality has actually pierced the dimensional barrier between universes and manifested as Ultimate Dysfunctionality in the character of Ultimate Wife-Punching Hank Pym. While Espirita has a good and kind heart, she also has kind of a dim brain. Apparently, she never read any of the Avengers case files while on monitor duty or watched the news because Hank would have been the last person on earth she would ever got involved with if she did.

After a couple of issues (so to speak) the couple parted ways and for once it wasn't caused by Hank beating up on a woman or attempting to kill his team mates. It was instead due to Espirita needing to follow her bliss into comic book limbo and Hank not being interested enough in steady sex to accompany her on her quest of self-discovery. Go figure.
Good idea, Hank. Don't waste any time practicing that Kung Fu Grip. You'll need it. From what I can tell, Hank didn't get any action again until he went vagina spelunking with the Ex about 15 years later.

It's fortunate they broke up before her pity for Hank twisted into self-loathing and before Hank reverted to type and raised a hand to her. Espirita can burn as hot as the surface of the sun, after all.
"I hated to do that, baby. But I told you about coming into the lab while I'm working."
"I understand, Hank. it hot in here or is it just me? Oh, that's right. It's me."

This is what happens when you don't clean the space-fridge often enough

From Green Lantern #12 (v4, July 2006)

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Zeerod is Rapture Ready!

When bored, I enjoy using the kooky Rapture Ready comments to re-caption some of my favorite comic panels.

Panel originally from Alien Legion #16 (v1, October 1986), the RR wackynest was found this time via Delenda est Cathargo. Be sure to check out all their quaint ramblings via the link. Looks like the local Crazy Store had plenty of stock on the shelves this week.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Firebird aka La Espirita aka Smokin' Hot Babe

From this...

Incredible Hulk #265 (November 1981)

To this...

West Coast Avengers #17 (February 1987)

To this.

Beyond! (May 2006)

I guess this is one little lamb that strayed from the flock. Personal sin and debauchery must agree with the devout La Espirita because she looks to have gained about a foot in height, de-aged about 10 years and and got about 40 times more Supergirl Clone-ier.

I understand the reasoning behind sexing up Marvel's own amateur Bride of Christ. A super-heroine in full nun habit must be a little too narrow of a niche demographic for the marketing gang at Marvel (we all know how well that idea worked for DC, after all). The traditional nun regalia doesn't lend itself to action figures due to it's concealing, non-tart design and it would inevitably lead to the horror of hundreds of tiny super-nun dolls being undressed in basements by "curious" fanboys.

"You've Come A Long Way, Baby!"

Thursday, July 13, 2006

In Which Sleestak Uses An Old Joke To Sabotage His Career And Alienate His Employer

A True-ish Deli Tale

So I get called to the office and the Manager is in there along with the Union Representative...

Manager: "You are here because we received a complaint."

Me: "Hmm?"

Manager: "Yes. A co-worker is complaining about harassment."

Me: "You're kidding. From me."

Manager: "I am not."

Me: "So what supposedly happened?"

Manager: "When training a new-hire on how to prepare rotisserie chickens, you told her to just 'ram the chicken on the skewer through the hole'."

Me: "So? That's what you do. Those are the small chickens and the skewers are over-sized. There is nothing the least bit salacious in that."

Manager: "Well, she complained that what you said made her uncomfortable. You used a double-entendre."

Me: "Ridiculous. That's not at all a double-entendre. If you want a double-entendre, I'll give you one."


Manager stares blankly.

Time stretches.

Manager: "Well?"

Me: "What?"

Manager: "You were going to cite an example of a double-entendre."

Me: "You are not smart enough to address this issue."
Being a goddamn working man who does not suffer goddamn fools I left and got back to goddamn work. Apparently the Union Rep with a degree was a bit smarter than the Manager with a degree and he must have explained everything by dumbing down the concepts, explaining just where the joke was and making things clear after I left, because the next day the cry-baby new-hire was sitting in the break room watching an instructional company video called 'Harassment In The Workplace'.


Wednesday, July 12, 2006

100,000 plus visits and I owe it all to YOU

Sometime this morning my blog stats passed 100,000 visitors to my site. Now that isn't much by some (most) comic blog standards but it's pretty groovy as far as I'm concerned. So it's time to have a self-celebratory post and I can't think of a better way to mark such a blogging milestone than the contemplation of my perfectly normal & non-threatening so-called obsession of the bestest actress ever...the one, the only...Hayley Mills.

You ever get that intermittent pulsing ache that starts in the center of your chest that arcs in sweet agony down your arms and throbs with delicious pain at points at the underside of both of your wrists while hot, salty tears form at the corner of your eyes but do not quite fully express?

Sure, you do. It's the classic symptoms of Hayleyitis, and all it takes is a few seconds of exposure to the fan-freaking-tastic Ms. Mills to catch a terminal case!

There is no cure. Not that you'd want one, anyways. Even though I am in agony, I never want to be healed. I'm starving a cold to feed my Hayley Fever!

So thanks to all those who read, link to and find me using search terms such as: Supergirl Tentacle Porn, Scarlett Johansen breasts, John Byrne A##hole and Nude Hayley Mills (whoever you are, stop that).

Hat tips to: Marrionette (who led the way from That Place, shows us how it should be done and who pities me), B-B-B-B (who got me early exposure via the Blogaround Challenge), Fred Hembeck (who generated my first big-ish traffic numbers ), Scipio, Dorian (for same), Comics Should Be Good (who let me guest-post, and was kind enough not to delete the suck) and the Comic Weblogs Update. If I've forgotten to thank anyone then it is because I am an insensitive bastard and not because you don't deserve it.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

If it's Tuesday, it must be Space Ray Day

One of the earmarks of the Silver Age (and even the made up so-called Bronze Age) comic books is how characters accept the most bizarre transformations and fantastic occurrences with remarkable aplomb. In this scene from Adventure #293 (Feb 1962), Lex Luthor takes being targeted by a beam of unknown origin and purpose from space in stride. Sometimes Lex is cooler than Bond.

"You must be new here. Idiot."

The prison guard holding the Daisy BB Gun seems concerned (he'll probably lose his job if Lex escapes, "What do you mean you didn't stop Luthor from teleporting? You're fired!") and the other inmate is quickly distancing himself from the master criminal (Lex is notoriously hard on his disposable henchmen). This is mostly for exposition, though. While Luthor leads a kind of life that makes being zapped by rays at random moments seem like an expected part of a daily routine, most DCU dwellers are also jaded when it comes to weird events.
"Superman just turned into the King of Ants and took over the city."
"Meh. The bus is late."

"Yesterday, the Flash ran faster than a death-laser beam and still had time enough to paint a building silver to reflect the beam away from it."
"No wonder his official tie-in book is getting cancelled."

"Hey, you feel that? Did the universe just reboot again? I hate that."
"No kidding. Every time it happens my wife gets fatter."

Pulling the tail of a sleeping tiger

Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman Supes Bats Spiderman THOUGHT BUBBLE

Monday, July 10, 2006

The Composite Superlolita Batwaif

I just realized that the Composite Superman Batman is a comic book character that seems to be relatively free of subtext.

On the other hand, the Composite Supergirl Batgirl is a concept that is very, very rife with lesbian possibilities. And is totally awesome.

Just how great would be an ongoing book featuring the Composite Supergirl Batgirl doing nothing but taking a shower? Written by Chuck Austen?

It'd be fanboytastic.

DC marketing knows there is nothing hotter in comics than two chicks together. This character could could generate some major mainstream interest and completely finish compromising the genre along the lines of the new Batwoman.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Anatomically Correct Superman Island

In Action Comics #224 (January 1957), intrepid and stupid reporter Lois Lane hires a couple of thugs to take her to the off-limits Superman Island in order to solve the riddle of it's creation by Superman.

Basically, Superman was gathering up tons of kryptonite to bury in a vault prior to tossing the entire island out into interstellar space (Many years later in November 1980 it became the home world of a nomadic alien race in Action #513).

While collecting all the specimens of the one substance on Earth that could horribly, if not comically transform or kill you is all well and good, perhaps a little discretion would have been in order. Say, by not advertising what he is doing by creating an artificial island that looks like Superman and telling people to stay away. But if the old ego doesn't allow Superman to simply create an atoll that looks like an atoll, then at least he could have built it someplace not accessible by a fishing boat with a trolling motor.

It's a typically wonderful goofy Silver Age comic book tale. Except for a couple of things that gives readers a peek into Superman's psyche.

Outside of the overwhelming narcissism of making an island that resembles himself, it also appears he built it to be anatomically correct as well!

In this scene Lois, accompanied by Thug 1 and Thug 2, sail past a red lighthouse thrusting up through the bushy, blue treeline.

Oblivious to the Werthemic imagery of the lighthouse*, Lois et al eventually discover a cave that gives them access to the nether regions of Superman Island. You know, I shudder to contemplate just where Superman decided to place this orifice when he designed the place.

Ewwww...what the hell is Lois standing on?

* Not too surprising. She's fooled by a pair of glasses, after all.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Beware of Dog

Do not mess with Post-CoIE Krypto. He will bury your ass at the Earth's core.

Pre-CoIE Krypto was a lovable, fun canine parallel to his master, Superboy. He was just as much the good and kind Star-Moses that his humanoid pal was except that Krypto could spend all his spare time on an asteroid licking his own super-testicles. Superboy could too, if he wanted, except he never indulged because of the knowledge that those damnable voyeuristic Legionaires were always watching him 24/7 on their Time Scope Televisors doing "research".

New Krypto is different from his Silver Age counterpart. The new version doesn't have human-level intelligence, can't travel through time under his own power and isn't telepathic. He's just a dog. A smart dog but still just a mutt, and an insanely powerful one. It's funny that Batman is all concerned about the hidden evil agendas of the New Supergirl, but is not at all worried about the natural inclinations of an uncontrollable super-powered dog. Without even knowing he's being a bad dog, Krypto could make the entire planet a urine-stained wasteland*. Batman can be a little short-sighted on occasion.

Sure, Supergirl could conquer the Earth in a day but New Krypto would treat the world as his backyard. While SA Krypto would create the occasional mess from innocent playfullness as he did in his first appearance in 1955's Adventure Comics #210, New Krypto is Grim n' Gritty and has none of the Silver Age innocence about him. He would be a force of nature and cause recurring disasters on a planetary scale. Digging miles-wide holes, de-populating entire ranges of forestland wildlife for a snack, lighting fires and freezing oceans. That's far more frightening than a coup by an alien mall rat with ADD.

New Krypto is the ultimate Alpha Dog. Every other mutt on earth is by default a subordinate member of his pack. New Krypto probably has thousands of litters spread all over the Earth and is surely fathering an army of genetically superior, super-powered puppies that can not be stopped by rolled-up newspapers.

I'd like to see a Krypto: Force of Nature mini-series by DC where in each issue a different hero or team of heroes attempts to reign-in an out of control Krypto wreaking havoc. Understand, I don't want Krypto to be mind-controlled to be evil or poisoned by Red Kryptonite or anything. I just want him to just be a natural, poorly-trained dog that isn't properly housebroken. That would be best. The series would have to guest-star Superman eventually but the following characters would be required at the very least:

  • Green Arrow (He originally found an amnesiac SA Krypto in the 70's.)
  • Animal Man
  • Swamp Thing
  • Myxyzptlk (Krypto hates Myxy.)
  • Supergirl (One or two panels at most. She needs to get bitten then never heard from again or die of Space Rabies, whichever.)
  • Batman (Bats would do something stupid like lasso Krypto with a bat-rope and then Krypto would fly away and drag him across 5 states before dumping him.)
  • Plastic Man (Dogs like chew toys.)
  • Martian Manhunter (Jonn could shapeshift into a female dog, because we all know how Jonn likes the inter-species stuff.)
  • Rex, the Wonder Dog (Rex could be Krypto's sensei.)
  • Detective Chimp (Can't have an animal-themed book without the Chimp!)
  • Fate (Cameo only, as Krypto digs up old smelly things and rolls around in them.)
  • Ch'p (A rebooted Don Newton-style Ch'p, not the toon version.)
  • Superboy Prime (Krypto's Revenge!)

* aka: Maryland


Monday, July 03, 2006

Nothing says July 4th like

Fireworks and booze

Oh, and quit shooting guns as celebration, you morons. Bullets don't attain escape velocity from Maryland and they do come back down after a few seconds.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Comic Book PSA: John Byrne's Guide to Safe Sex

In Wonder Woman #127, John Byrne reminds us all
To wear a condom

When the comic book heroine you are in a relationship with has a glowing vagina.

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