Time Travelin' Schatzi's Happy New Year!

You never know where Time Travelin' Schatzi © will show up next! But Schatzi is a good dog so he stole a few minutes from his mission to save all of reality to drop in on San Diego's beautiful Ocean Beach in the year 1918 and pose for a Happy New Year photo with some bathers!

Moments after the photo was taken Schatzi sniffed out the sun-worshipers as actually being smelly tourists from Maryland and chased them off our beaches and out of the county, sending them all on their way back to Stupidlandia where they came from with comical rips to the seats of their pants and swim trunks. Schatzi doesn't like the Maryland tourists fouling San Diego's beaches and fine vistas with their imported garbage, foul presence and heathen ways. Good boy!

Where will Schatzi appear next? One never knows!

Keep the ads on the ad pages

It's bad enough that Marvel has a serial killer selling cars, but now the U.S. Army is paying for product placement type ads in comic books (And what's up with the name tag on that soldier that reads "MUTART" in that other ad anyways?).

I understand that the days of the Count Dante account supporting a comic are long gone but I wish Marvel (and others) wouldn't allow the military to place advertising within the stories themselves. Comic Books are still perceived to be disposable fare for children and teens by the greater public. What's next, a cartoon character selling booze and cigarettes?

I could think of a few things that would serve the comic better to have showing on the Avenger's penthouse entertainment system than a commercial for the military. For instance, a Hayley Mills film like "Sky West and Crooked" would not be out of place.
If Marvel wants to promote the armed services then they should just have that old G.I. Joe cartoon running in the background. That show probably faked more kids into joining up than any number of "MUTART" ads would ever do.


Or Wolvie could have drifted off watching the bestest television show ever!
Comic book readers are somewhat of a captive audience. Product placement in the movies is one thing, there is no way to show commercials for added revenue otherwise. But comic books have full pages already devoted to advertising. Short of tearing out those pages there is no way for a reader to avoid at least giving them a glance, hence money well spent by the marketing agencies. So do me a favor and keep the ads on the advertising pages.

You can put me in the "I Hate Joe Q" camp now

Spidey can find it in himself to lift a 20 ton piece of machinery off of his back because of the thought of all the people who rely on him gives him strength to persevere. But he can't say no to the Devil?
I stated before I understand why Joe Quesada would want to return Peter Parker to single status and get rid of MJ, but I don't have to like it.

I don't.

The Second Swarm - Frank R. Paul illustrations

Masses of masonry rose jerkily from below the surface. They covered the whole region for miles near the two stranded interstellar ships, and from the rising masses of masonry , the mouths of guns could be seen, bombarding the eight interstellar ships, destroying them one by one before they could rise more than their own length.

Faster and faster did Matilda drop in pursuit, the wings on her back whining terribly as they forced her down with the speed of a bullet. Her hands were outstretched. Her body was as straight as an arrow and rigid. Only her fingers moved, opening and closing spasmodically on open air. Would she never reach Ureena?

Four minutes late, the first mighty interstellar ship slowly began to rear up until its sharp nose pointed up at an angle of forty-five degrees, then it rose heavenwards. Following fast behind it came ten more of the huge interstellar ships.

The large doors in the sides of the ships opened and men equipped with individual flying wings strapped upon their backs stepped out of the ships and flew down...The surface of that world was covered with the bodies of the intelligent creatures, who had inhabited it. They looked like giant hairy tarantulas, over a hundred times larger than the largest tarantula that ever existed on Earth.

Story by J. Schlossel. Published in Amazing Stories Quarterly (February 1928).

What If...Captain America remained frozen in ice until present day?

Everyone familiar with the character of Captain America knows his story:

Pharmaceutically-enhanced Steve Rogers fought Nazis and evil during World War 2 as the symbol of Liberty, Freedom and the American Dream, Captain America. After foiling a Nazi plot the Captain fell from an exploding rocket into freezing ocean waters where he lapsed into a state of suspended animation. He was rescued years later in the 1960s by the Avengers, thawed out and continued the good fight for several decades.

Yet what would have happened if he was never discovered by the Avengers and continued to drift in a block of ice among the floes and icebergs until present day? The Captain's story would turn out quite differently.

Due to global warming the rapidly melting polar ice caps would partially expose the Captain's body, until now protected deep within in a large block of ice since the final days of World War 2, to the open air and harsh environment. With their sensitive noses, hungry and nomadic polar bears would detect the slumbering hero from miles distant and converge on the site. Using their mighty claws and wicked teeth a polar bear would have little difficulty tearing away the thinning layer of ice covering Captain America and grabbing a filling meal.

Scratch...scratch...scratch...

Wuh? What's that noise? Man, it's cold. Hey, I can't move...

Scratch...scratch...scratch...

Bucky, is that youuuuuuOMIGODAHHHHHHHHHHH...!

Crunch...crunch...crunch...

Hibari No Komoriuta aka The Japanese Parent Trap

Hibari No Komoriuta (Lullaby for Hibari) is based on a 1949 novel and is also known as the "Japanese Parent Trap". Made in 1951 and collected recently on YouTube are parts one through nine of the film that preceded by 10 years the classic Hayley Mills cinematic opus, The Parent Trap.


Check it out!

In 9 parts: The Japanese Parent Trap

The Movement...Or My Heart!

Whoa! The way Brandy acts you'd think that insignia on her hat stood for a completely different word! Perhaps she is required to wear a "scarlet letter" as punishment for being a feminist.

"The Movement...Or My Heart!" was originally published in Our Love Story #18 (August 1972) and reprinted two years later in My Love #31 (November 1974). This is another romance comic book issue where the original cover had superior production value to the reprint, where the staff seems to have saved a few dollars on the coloring job.


Brandy is a hostile, progressive feminist who wears pant-suits and disdains mini-skirts and other sexy clothing. Her work for the cause of equality for women consumes her to the detriment of all else in her life. That is, until she meets a sexy Congressman and falls in love! In no time at all Brandy begins to doubt her devotion to the cause of Women's Rights and her commitment to anything but keeping a house clean for her man.

Must Brandy choose between living as a domesticated hearth-slave or liberated woman? Can she have the best of both worlds? Read and find out!

Whew! Good thing for all men everywhere that Brandy was co-opted by sexual politics and sold out for a 3-bedroom townhouse! Just goes to show that all them uppity chicks need is a bit o' lovin' to calm them down and get them back to cookin' sammiches!

Boom-chicka-wow-wow!

Have a Hayley Christmas!

Jonnie Love Speaks out!

Groove on the picture to make it a happening, man!

I'm convinced that weird, nosy old guys with cautionary slogans tattooed onto their foreheads shouldn't be hanging around places young teens congregate.

From Time For Love #11 (July 1969).

Regifting encouraged

The recognition of Christmas is a simple affair at the Hayley Mills Celebratory Complex. As Hayley undoubtedly frowns upon the waste of natural resources the 500 Christmas displays within the Hayley Mills Celebratory Complex are fashioned from live trees that are grown year round in the Garden of Hayley Awesomeness. The trees are carefully removed from the garden, tastefully decorated and are replanted once the holiday season is over.

Pilgrims and staff leave Hayley-themed gifts under each tree that are unlabeled and unwrapped. This way each visitor, employee and volunteer can pick their very own special gift to round out their collections of Hayley memorabilia. This method of gift-giving ensures that no one is disappointed or traumatized by opening a wrapped gift and discovering that the on line retailer accidentally shipped the heinous Lohan version of the Parent Trap DVD instead of the proper and far more superior Hayley Mills entry.

Regifting is encouraged because what could be better than receiving back that autographed poster of Hayley Mills you gave that orphan on the last Hayley Mills Appreciation Day?

Frosty the Golem

Nothing says "supernatural vengeance" like a mass of unliving natural materials animated and set on a path of justice by those who have suffered at the hands of others. Frosty the Snowman, the sanitized Rankin-Bass television special aside, is a Golem in the traditional sense.

The famous seasonal song immortalized by Gene Autry holds much clear evidence as to Frosty's origins and ultimate purpose. The lyrics of the tune are easy enough to interpret correctly. Frosty is in actuality a creature of Old Testament-style power created by Kabala-worshiping children to correct the inequities they suffered at the hands of the citizens and from the horrible pogroms of the anti-semitic town in which they reside. Lacking tools or anything that could be used as a weapon the desperate and faithful children build a Golem of legend out of the only material they could easily manipulate and gather: Snow.

By placing a hat (very likely a yarmulke) imbued with powerful magic upon a humanoid form fashioned of inanimate matter, a Golem is brought to a semblance of life by a vengeful God in answer to the children's anguished prayers. Dubbed "Frosty"by the innocent and non-ironic children, the creature is sent from its birthing place in the forest armed with a "broomstick" (rather, a huge club of some sort) into the village on a mission of vengeance. Song scribes Steven "Jack" Rollins and Steve Nelson do not even attempt to hide the terrible descriptions of the Snow-Golem's murderous spree of righteous retribution to be found in the lyrics of the song.

The phrase "Thumpety thump thump" is repeated several times during the song, succinctly describing not the martial tune of an impromptu parade of happy children following an imaginary character into innocent play, but rather the continuous blows of icy fists made hard as granite by the bitter cold against the flesh of those who would oppress the innocent. Frosty's first target of retribution upon entering the village is a "police officer" who is actually the symbol of racist, intolerant government and authority. Just as in the classic legend of the Golem, once the ice creature completes it's mission it departs and returns to its previous state of lifeless, inanimate matter, promising to "be back again some day" if needed to mete out swift punishment against evil-doers.

While it is true that the Golem is merely a weapon that acts as the instrument of God's will sometimes not all of the missions end in large scale destruction and death. On occasion God is merciful and Frosty the Golem is set on a path not of destruction but enlightenment. In the following story adapted from ancient legends for the 1954 issue of Dell Comics "Frosty the Snowman" the Golem is summoned by a victim of intolerance and battles racism by the simple act of patrolling a village. Frosty the Golem appears harmless and even helpful in the all-ages version of the tale, but doubtlessly the very presence of the creature forced the terrified citizenry to re-think their intolerant ways and accept the cultures and people that do not act, think, worship or dress as they do.

Look past the cartoon figures and funny animals and you can sense the seething anger and pain that must have sent the frozen creature on it's mission. Brrrrr!

Frosty the Golem says:
Take heed, heathens!

Deadlier Than the Male

"A finger-breakin' good time!"

I could watch this film every day.

Sweet Su

1967 film starring Shirley Eaton (best known as the woman murdered by paint in Goldfinger) loosely based on the Sax Rohmer pulp stories.

I am for any film where people try to knife Frankie Avalon to death but this is not as fun of a film as the sexy spy-farce Deadlier Than the Male and it can even be painful to watch primarily because of the choice of male leads. There are a few other cinematic large-breasted entries to the Sumaru story but I recommend the original printed tales.

Bearpocalypse

I see this pulp magazine cover all the time and I didn't really pay attention to it until this morning, ignoring it as just another entry to generic pulp magazine art.

The cover art for the July 1929 Amazing Stories sort of depicts a scene from the Jules Verne story "The Desert of Ice". Then I took a closer look at the painting.

BEARPLOSION!

I'm sorry, but that image is hilarious. None of the bears hurtling skyward seem overly upset over being at the epicenter of a huge detonation of black powder. Two of the bears are tossed up in mid-step (one is upside-down) and are quite nonchalant, another is sniffing around for the abruptly missing ground and another is looking about curiously as if puzzled about the sudden over-abundance of flame. Only one polar bear is hightailing it away from the scene. For all the action they display they could be colorforms of bears stuck on a canvas.

While this cover disconnect isn't as radical as some of the entries from pulps and comic books it does resemble more the illustration and description featuring the active Arctic volcano expelling lava and rocks than the disposal of troublesome, hungry polar bears.


The cover art is kind of an interesting creative mix of the two ideas, probably derived from whatever art instructions or notes were given to the artists.

Because deception is always a good start to a relationship

Dr. Zaius knows...

From My Love #32 (March 1975).

LOL Docs

Shredding of Government documents up 600 per cent since Bush took office? Common sense, butt-covering or hargle-bargle? Dr. Zaius has opportunities.

The Super Jrs.

From the Super Jrs. Holiday Special (March 1985).

The Tramp!

I'd be remiss if I didn't touch on the ancestor of the romance comic book, the pulp magazine. Pulps are a different animal and not like a comic book like the others recently featured. Yet many of the tales like the one featured in the pulp magazine Snappy #11 (November 1937) shared quite a few elements in common with the fare later offered in the comics. Many of the pulp stories were lurid, full of subtext and serviced the misogynistic fantasies of the targeted market. All this carried over to the comic books with little change to most plots.

Like the comics, many stories featured the lonely woman over-compensating by acting out or self-sabotaging a relationship and the strong, over-bearing male who pursues and wins the affection of a female only to throw her over or demand she quit her career or lifestyle to stand in a subservient role to him. There were of course differences, as the story and illustrations could be of more mature content depending on the magazine itself, yet many of the stories would not be out of place in the romance comic books. Not surprising since many of the creators working in the pulp magazine industry worked in comic books when that format became the market leader.

In 1937 Snappy was borderline pornographic material, though far more adult material is seen in the comics and magazines marketed to children and young adults of today. In the heyday of the news stands Snappy was one of the magazines not on public display and was kept out of view behind the counter. A customer had to ask for it. The decline of the pulps, the battles with censorship and the rise of comic books is a fascinating story of the publishing industry and is one I urge anyone to learn more about.

Hold the link close and gasp with the ecstasy of downloading a pdf file of The Tramp!

My Fair Secretary

No romance comic book story is complete without at least one panel that consists of naughty subtext.

The story "You're My Everything!" from My Love Story #2 (June 1951) is free of most of the underlying sexual tension that most stories of this era include. This tale is unusual in that there are no scheming bitter rivals out to destroy the innocent and love lorn ingénue.

It is not sacrifice and nobility but pity that defines the main character in this story. Terry Tyler is the smartest professional girl in the office, yet she lacks ambition and aggressiveness. No one dislikes her specifically as she is competent at her job, but her bosses and co-workers do not respect her or trust that Terry will always do her best. Terry is ignored or passed over for opportunities while choice assignments and promotions go to others who have more spunk. Terry is afraid to do more than show up and work quietly and then go home. It is only when Rod, the hot new executive at the office recognizes her potential and takes Terry under his wing does she begin to realize and believe in her own abilities.

Rod needs a smart motivated assistant to handle the heavy work. He choses Terry against the advice of his peers. Rod is a good boss and knows he could provide the proper motivation to urge urge Terry to excel in her work. Some would say that this was sexist but actually that is what a good boss is supposed to do. Today such motivation would be accomplished without a condescending hand on the shoulder but in 1951 chain-smoking, boozing and groping the honeys in the secretarial pool was an accepted part of the modern office environment. The real sexist behavior comes at the end of the story.

Soon the challenges given Terry by Rod transform her into a confident career woman. In fact, Terry quickly outgrows her role and is in line to be promoted. Now that Terry has confidence, new job prospects and her life is in order she realizes something else in her life is missing. A man! Terry is falling for Rod and worried that she will be separated from him due to her promotion. To her credit Terry does not do anything to sabotage her career so she can remain in his office. She dutifully arranges for her replacement, oblivious to Rod's amorous intentions.

Now that Terry is a success in her job and the future is wide open to her, Rod pressures her to resign and be a stay at home wife! Again, this was more or less the accepted image in the 1950s, that young women would receive enough education to run a household and work outside the home until they found a husband. Interestingly, all the young girls reading these comics in the early 1950s and dreaming of an idealized romantic future would grow up to find themselves in a very different social, political and economic realities.

The Pledge of Pamela Dixon

To continue Comic Book Romances of Liberated Women Week comes this entry from True Secrets #10 (October 1951).

This story has it all! A clueless writer, an artist that doesn't bother to change the clothing of any of the characters even though weeks pass in the story, a sleazy Lothario, a frustrated protagonist and a spinsterish not-gay-at-all BFF!

Pamela Dixon is a career-minded woman making her way in man's world buying underwear for a retail store. Her 'pledge' is to focus on her career and let nothing distract her from success and happiness, which she believes is found in the workplace and not the hearth. The story is full of formulaic cliches that includes swooning females and feigned hate masking love and is a subtext-o-rama of seething sexual frustration and repressed lesbian jealousy.

Enjoy!

Ever notice how those wedding scenes in silver age comic books always manage to fit in the "supportive friend" somewhere and they are always smiling? It's nearly mandatory for scenes like this and it always seems their joy is forced. I can't count how many images of Jimmy Olsen there are in similar panels whenever Superman gets (choke) married in some imaginary story or elaborate set up to teach Lois a humiliating lesson. Jimmy is always in the background, grimacing stiffly and pretending to be happy for his friend when actually his heart is being crushed like a lump of coal in Superman's fist. I can just imagine Pamela's boss leaving the wedding to go cut the brake lines on Dick's car and muttering "If I can't have her, no one will!"

Another dumb blond

Beautiful, matriculating Jean has a brilliant mind but refuses to use it to her full potential, worried that if she displays above-average intelligence then she will be attractive only to nerdy guys from Nowheresville, USA!

Jean ensures she is as non-threatening as possible to males by engaging in the time-honored practice of self-sabotaging every one of her personal relationships, distancing herself from the articulate crowd and playing the part of a dumb blond (She has a silly disguise, though. It's obvious to anyone she is a genius because she wears big glasses and is rendered all the hotter when she takes them off). Soon enough, Jean soon hooks up with hunky Rick and falls in love.

But Jean's relationship is doomed. Rick is interested only in scratching an itch before settling down with his brainy, book-selling girlfriend and pursuing a college education. Rick is really interested only in hot, sexy women who can challenge him intellectually.

In due course Rick dumps Jean in public and thoroughly crushes and humiliates her by abruptly introducing her to his fiancee, because why not? Jean is stupid and will likely forget all about her broken heart once she gets distracted by something a shiny gum wrapper or seagull. Check out how logical and cool Rick is when he explains his relationship to jean. Of course, he takes the opportunity to rub it in a bit too. Smart people do that because they are superior to the little brains.
The lesson to be learned here by Jean and all women is that it is better to just be yourself and not be a phony if you want a good man. And hot. Don't forget you need to be hot.

From "When Love Is Lost!", published in Our Love Story #17 (June 1972). Written by Stan Lee in defiance of all that is good.

My Love #10 - No Man Is My Master!

Originally brought to my attention by flickr user just.because, My Love #10 (March 1971) is another unintentionally hilarious attempt by old, out-of-touch men to script a comic book romance featuring liberated women of the 1970s. This is a story that should be infuriating to anyone with a shred of dignity or self-respect but probably made perfect sense to the confused, elderly gents that diligently applied 1940s sensibilities and mores to the wacky and tumultuous 1970s.

I have have to give the creators credit for trying to please their customers even though Stan and the gang obviously had no damn clue what was going on down in the streets and probably gleaned all of their contemporary cultural knowledge from browsing Time Magazine at the news stand and watching Walter Cronkite for 10 minutes each evening. The entire story is full of brain-hurting gold like the "Duckling" panel shown above.

The story was also reprinted a few years later in issue #25 of the same title, albeit with a vastly inferior coloring job on the cover. FYI Marvel: Gwen is hotter than MJ. Also, way to totally ruin the awesome Kirbyesque look of her dress with the recolor.

So here for your enjoyment is the reprint of "Mo Man Is My Master!" in it's entirety from My Love #25 (September 1973), no messy downloads required.

I thought only Ultimate Jarvis was a leering perv?

It's been said before and I'll say it again now: Stan Lee had no business writing a romance story. Oh, man. i just had a thought. If he got his story ideas from real life, what were his personal relationships like?

Dedicated to the fearless, fabulous females of women's lib!

I want this.

I guess this means it's Comic Book Romances of Liberated Women Week!

Freedom of Speech must be pre-approved

Don't let mysterious, uniformed enforcers of the status quo control the message.

Vote SLEESTAK for PRESIDENT!

Holiday Special: Invaders from the Ice World!

Nothing says Silver Age DC like world conquering aliens from outer space that just so happen to look like buildings, dogs, motor vehicles and even the occasional innocent snowman!

In Strange Adventures #79 (April 1957) the story "Invaders from the Ice World" is an entry typical of that era of DC. It has the familiar plot featuring a generic Science Detective going up against an invading force that uses technology far in advance of Earth, is invulnerable to brute force and atomic weapons, yet who are beaten back by wits, brains and sometimes simple parlor tricks.

It isn't a great story but it is serviceable enough and kind of fun. I enjoyed this particular issue more for the stupid, bizarre and incredibly awesome cover than anything else. The cover is far superior to the story itself, which is something that happened a lot in comic books, particularly in the Silver Age (check out any 1960s Neal Adams cover for examples). It is a shame that the realities of today's diminished market doesn't allow a comic book company to just throw out any wacky thing they can and see if it sticks. Back when DC was the clear powerhouse market leader they could do just about anything they wanted and not worry overly much if it failed or not. Their business model was a sort of diversification and it showed in how many titles they launched. If one concept worked out, then great. If not, don't look back and move on to the next idea.

One thing that becomes evident in reading these stories is that the aliens of the Silver Age DCU are a superstitious and cowardly lot and only invade a world they can easily defeat by using their advanced and terrifying science. Every time they come up against the least amount of resistance they flee our part of the galaxy, never to return.

Build your own snowman by clicking the picture above and download a pdf of Invaders from the Ice World!

If the download link is maxed-out here's some alternate sources:

Invaders from the Ice World - pdf file.

Invaders from the Ice World - Flickr set.

Nearly as brilliant as Nazi Gorillas

A Dalmatian firing squad operating a crew-served weapon is nearly as brilliant a comic book concept as Nazi Gorillas or an elephant-mounted machine gun except the scene gets minus points for not actually appearing in the story.

Comic book cover disconnects and mis-leading teasers was going strong in the 1940s and is a vile marketing tactic that lasts to this day even if somewhat diminished due to the buying habits of the modern, savvy reader. The trick pulled here on the consumer is that the buyer, browsing the stands in the interval before the proprietor yelled that it wasn't a library, would purchase the book after quickly flipping through the pages and observing a similar scene in the interior. The original buyers of the Golden Age comic would have been satisfied that such a cool scene does indeed take place in the story and purchase it, only to be inevitably disappointed later when the magazine was read in full.

It would have been awesome if some dogs actually lined up some trouble-makers up against a wall and executed them but the villain only actually controlled the dogs enough to make them all bitey. What a waste of potential for awesomeness. Still, this panel and the cover featuring a dog army and Rover firing a machine gun at Captain Marvel Jr. are pretty nifty.

From Captain Marvel Jr. #95 (March 1951).

Fredric Wertham

Doctor.

Crusader.

Industry-killer.

Bogey Man.

Patsy.

Tasteful art collector.