Monday, October 24, 2005

Principles of low stress restraint

When dealing with the slaughter of cattle to supply me with the ingredients of my dinner, the principles of low stress restraint are:

  1. Solid sides or barriers around the cattle to prevent them from seeing people deep inside their flight zone. This is especially important for wild or excitable cattle.
  2. To prevent lunging at the headgate, the bovine's view of an escape pathway must be blocked until it is fully restrained. This principle does not apply to pigs.
  3. Provide non-slip flooring for all species of animals.
  4. Slow steady motion of a restraint device is calming, while sudden jerky motion excites. Applies to all species.
  5. Use the concept of optimal pressure. Sufficient pressure must be applied to provide the feeling of restraint, but excessive pressure that causes pain or discomfort must be avoided. This principle applies to all species.
  6. The entrance of the restraint device must be well lighted. All species must be able to see a place to go.
  7. Livestock will remain calmer if they can see other animals close to them.
  8. Engineer equipment to minimize noise. High pitched noise is more disturbing to livestock than a low pitched rumble from a conveyor.
  9. Restraint devices must be designed to avoid uncomfortable pressure points on the animal's body.
  10. Restrain livestock in an upright position.
This would be a cool amusement park ride for people, too, if not know...the death by pneumatic bolt gun and ginormous razor-sharp blade at the end of the ride.

After I read the essay about the humane restraint of livestock I developed a big hankering for a big juicy steak. Not having a big steak handy I made some authentic Philly Cheesesteak sandwiches using bread, some slices of Canadian bacon I had in the fridge, cheeze whiz and dried onion flakes. Damn, they were good.

I don't like vegetarians. What is the point of eating only plants? You want to eat rabbit food? Fine. But there is a reason why things that eat only plants get attacked by things that eat only meat. That's because they are tasty. Mountain lions are not tasty, but the bunnies they eat sure are. Eating only plants isn't really all that healthy for you. People that eat massive amounts of tofu get sick from lack of vitamins and get goiter. Pirates knew this, which is why on long ocean voyages they packed extra crates of baby lambs to keep from getting scurvy.

I like to eat animals that are smart enough to know they are getting gacked. People say that negative chemicals flood the body of a scared animal and that is bad, but it is okay with me. Adrenalin is what I call "Nature's Tenderizer."

I knew a girl who would "never eat anything with a face." I don't eat anything with a face either, since the features get cut off and thrown away long before I see it on my plate.


  1. I read in a book by Louis Lamour that Mountain Lions are good eatin,', but I don't know from experience.

  2. The most interesting thing about that cattle-handling stuff you mention is who came up with it: a woman who grew up autistic, and for years when growing up used a pressure-applying device to calm herself down.

  3. Her name is Dr. Temple Grandin, and she was profiled on Errol Morris' TV series, "First Person". I don't remember whih episode, but they're all available on dvd, and they're highly reccomended. (by me, FWIW.)

  4. I just hope Bully didn't wander over to this post.

  5. I would like to eat a face some time. I would also like to pee on a wolf, but that can wait. Eating a face is now my number one to speak.

    Then get me one of those hug boxes. Then the wolf. Man, how do people ever get bored of life?


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