Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Hat Trick

Solving ancient mysteries isn't all that hard. When trying to answer the questions posed by ancient events and artifacts there are a few things that are important to consider outside of demonstrable facts to glean their true history when all that remains is speculation.

It has become something of a cliche that a discovery will be identified as being religious in nature. That may be true nonetheless for most things pertaining to the ancient world because religion (and the fear that comes with it) is a great method of crowd control. But busy-work building temples is a big-picture kind of thing and doesn't fill every moment of the day. So how does one puzzle out the practical uses of less expansive ancient technology and artifacts of a culture?


One way to do this is think like an ancestor. Life was hard way back when. People scratched for sustenance and if they didn't gather enough goods or trade enough services for food then they starved that evening. There were a lot of things about day to day life that just were not required for making it to the next sunrise so it was a great investment in time to do anything not absolutely goal-oriented towards survival.

So the one trait I speculate that was in wide use by ancient peoples was that of
Common Sense. Our ancestors were not stupid. Far from it. They were capable of things that even the most advanced nation of today scratches their collective heads over. Often scholars can't agree how spectacular ancient engineering feats were accomplished because modern tools can not duplicate exactly the same results. Tales of machines that seem far-fetched can not be recreated using tools of the day. So how did all these wondrous inventions lost to time become reality? By using a common sense approach to any project. Many seemingly impossible things were done simply because a can-do attitude was applied.

While the assertion that "thinking outside the box" may seem simplistic that leads to the next trait to be aware of and one that is necessary for the first to work successfully. That is to understand that
People Are Bastards. Need to move heavy stones from one place to another? Throw people at them until it gets done. Want to keep the village busy between crop planting? Have them dig furrows in the earth creating pictures only the "Gods" can observe from on high. Strike fear in the populace to keep them under control? Parade a bunch of exotically-armed guards around as your retinue.

Some time ago I solved the riddle of the true use of the stone rings in an Aztec courtyard. The common misconception was that opposing teams kicked a ball through a small stone ring high on a wall. This is ridiculous. You can read why here, but suffice to say that any game played in that manner would be frustrating for both players and spectators alike. Foreign visitors reported the elaborate game of skill played by the locals though this was likely exaggerated to make the conquering army seem all the more formidable against the native population. After all, it wouldn't do to have highly-skilled and technologically advanced soldiers wearing armor defeat a bunch of kids playing volleyball.

And so it is that I approach another mystery and solve it by applying
Common Sense and never forgetting that People Are Bastards.

A few days ago one of the education-oriented cable channels was demonstrating the use of ancient weapons such as Greek Fire, spinning swords mounted on chariots as anti-personnel gear and the hand-held weapon with a terrifying reputation, the Flying Guillotine.

The Flying Guillotine is reportedly a martial arts device of which almost no records of it having actually existed other than some old descriptions. While many examples of ancient weapons of all kinds yet exist this most powerful, long-distance killer is strangely lost to the ages. Odd, considering that such a deadly device would most assuredly be coveted and protected and even mass-produced at some point if only because of its effectiveness over swords and other pointy objects of harm.

The Flying Guillotine is known most popularly through modern film and literature. Resembling a modern bee-keepers head gear, the Flying Guillotine is reportedly a hat-like device attached to a cord or chain. Thrown by an expert, the weapon settles over the head and the outer ring falls to the shoulders attached to and held in place by an upper plate, the two pieces connected by a mesh or bag. The lower ring contains blades which would close in a scissor effect when the cord was pulled, decapitating the victim and presumably, neatly holding the severed head in the net. According to legend, the Flying Guillotine was wielded to devastating effect by an elite posse of ninja guards. Popularly, it was supposed to have worked something like in the video below.


Though cool, that the weapon worked as effectively as the legend would have it is extremely unlikely. Modern replicas, even those made with materials that would enhance its effectiveness as a throwing weapon more often than not fail spectacularly. While ancient blades would assuredly been strong enough to sever limbs and decapitate a human it is also equally unlikely that the movement of a sharp knife in the space of few inches by yanking a cord or chain would have the desired effect of cleanly lopping off a head. It has also been theorized that since the usefulness of the Flying Guillotine as a throwing weapon is questionable it was used instead to ambush the unwary. The weapon would be dropped over the head of a victim who passed under a tree or arch. While this is more feasible it is yet not very plausible and attributes to ancient martial artists nigh-magical ninja skills that realistically did not exist and would be almost useless and impractical in a real-world situation. As the tool of an assassin the Flying Guillotine is ridiculously complex. It's use as described in legend flies against all common sense and is not very practical. Why go to all that effort when it was far easier and economical to just sneak up on someone and hack at the neck with a long blade?

So while the Flying Guillotine could have been used as a murder device by ninja sorcerers it was more likely to be used as a method of control and punishment. This goes to the aspect of
Common Sense. The Flying Guillotine would have been ridiculously superfluous in a culture of swords, clubs and knives. Also, factor in that People Are Bastards and the true use of the device is readily apparent.

Presumably expensive and time-consuming to create and rare enough that making one was strictly controlled by the wealthy and powerful it is more likely that the Flying Guillotine was an artifact that promoted fear among the populace. This is not to assert it was never put to use. it is rare that a weapon is created that is never used. It is the stories and tales of its deadly accuracy by an elite squad of guards that would ensure that anyone would think twice about attacking or disrespecting the Lord of the village. Instant and horrifying fear of death from afar is a great way to ensure someone with designs on the big chair doesn't gain much support from his fellow disgruntled farmers. The thought that one could be killed at the drop of a hat from twenty feet distant before getting close enough to use a knife would make anyone think twice about rushing the palace.

As to its actual practical use it isn't difficult to imagine that the Flying Guillotine was pressed into service on occasion on some poor person as an object lesson not to mess with the boss. Placed over the head, the victim could be paraded about in public, lead by a chain attached to the device he wore. It was spectacle. Anyone observing some poor fellow staggering about wearing the thing knew he was a dead man walking.

Once a good show was put on for the public the chain could be pulled causing the sharp blades on the interior collar to sink into the neck of the victim and sever the arteries, causing death by massive blood loss. Whether or not the blades would be sufficient to decapitate a person is up to debate as the force required would be more substantial than most people could muster in a single strike. Repeatedly yanking the chain while dragging a bleeding body about the village square, while horrifying, is not as effective as claiming the head was severed in one motion by a scary dangerous super ninja. Anyone disputing the official story of how the weapon worked would probably find themselves wearing one soon enough.

So it is more than likely that the actual Flying Guillotine, if it in fact existed, would have been used most effectively as a ceremonial weapon for propaganda and as a means of the occasional public execution.

Monday, April 07, 2008

His ring on my finger!

I could swear I recognize several of these panels from classic movie stills and ad copy of the 1950s.

This cautionary tale from Secret Story Romances #17 (November 1955) doesn't take the usual approach of educating children about the threat of the Red Menace like most Atlas (nee Marvel) comic books of the time did. This title was aimed strictly at young women and the lead story undoubtedly sent pre-teens worried about their future running to Mother and Betty Crocker. After all, it is useless to prepare young men to resist and fight the threat of Stalin and fluoridated water if the women won't be at their beck and call once they come home from the front lines every day. In the 1950s only unattractive women or those that wore sensible shoes were in the workforce. Any woman getting a paycheck instead of a fresh mop head in those days may as well had the words "UNSUITABLE TO BREED" tattooed on her face.

In reality, I don't know how many marriages were actually ruined in real life because the hot, sexy, young blond wife couldn't cook or iron a shirt but what do I know? I'm from a later generation where women served as client-bait and stayed behind the reception desk only long enough to trick a wealthy customer into marriage.

Click the pictures to make a mountain out of a molehill.

Now get in the kitchen and make me a sammich!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Sapolio soap ad

Soap advertisement from McClure's Magazine (1897).


When I see these types of old advertisements the forgiving person in me wants to believe that such images are from a simpler, perhaps stupider time. One can not successfully assert that it is not fair to judge people of a past time for their perceptions. I say it is. By that logic people of 2060 would forgive the transgressions of the societies of 2008 because we did not know any better? Pick up and read any history book and one quickly realizes that the government, media and average person new exactly what they were doing in marginalizing, demonizing and ridiculing other cultures and people.

The ad is made inexcusable even in 1897 by going further than the using a simple caricature representing an ethnic group to pitch a product. No one in editorial, marketing or the art department understood that showing forcibly displaced refugee Native Americans wandering about the Reservation, wearing their government-issue blanket, passing graffiti depicting a happy Indian drunk on cleanliness and firewater was demeaning and offensive? I don't buy that at all. It almost looks like a book illustration adapted for advertising use.

As horrible as the advertisement is the mind-set behind it yet exists and still permeates modern advertising. Different groups are targeted but race and culture and a "not us" mentality are still used to sell products with little change, except now humor is used to replace Manifest Destiny. This allows companies to distance their product from the ad or claim their focus group thought the spots were relevant to their experience just in case anyone notices. It would only take a little updating for the Sapolio advertisement to be relevant to today's political and cultural climate and therefore be perfectly acceptable to Southerners and Republicans.

The right kind of cleansing would bring them heathens next to the right God. Maybe end the war if they would just quit acting all stone age and maybe bathe once in a while. Except, we all know what would really bring about a quick end to the comflict, don't we?

Maybe using a more fashionable group will work.

Now that's an easy stereotype to attack. The creative and imaginative are always a great target to belittle and make me feel superior. Too be honest though, all the cons I went to it wasn't the fans that were unwashed and smelly. One certain comic creator smelled so bad I wasn't able to complete a sale of an old Ditko Spider-Man comic to him and had to leave the area.

Show the apes some love...

Too much monochrome. This place needs a dash of color.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Thursday, June 14, 2007

The Deus Ex Decimal System

One of the popular conceits about the Library of Alexandria is the perception that the unfortunately destroyed archives contained in the dusty scrolls the answers to mysteries that will never be solved and secrets lost to the ages.

Tony Stark gets all misty-eyed in Sub-Mariner #1 (August 2007).

But, really? Maybe in a comic book universe a lost scroll held the secrets of eternal youth and spells leading to other dimensions, but not in our reality. In the real world the Library of Alexandria was a repository of all the knowledge that civilization had recorded up to that point.

Now think about that for a moment.

How smart were people of the third century AD? Not very. Culturally, they were barely out of the stone age. Human life was cheap, fire scared them and they saw magic and ghosts everywhere and they thought flies were born out of mud puddles. For all the advances in plumbing and infrastructure the denizens of that era were pretty primitive. After all, how smart do you have to be to figure out that if you poop where you live then horrible disease will result? Even forest animals know to eliminate outside the den. The library was a good idea in concept but probably failed in practice. Knowledge wasn't that important to most people then. The pressures of daily life took precedence. People didn't need to go to the library to research when to plant corn, they knew that already and didn't have time for learning.

The destruction of the library was certainly a crime against humanity but the idea that it held all the answers to arcane mysteries is doubtful. What library would store for public or scholarly perusal the method for making Greek fire, gunpowder or changing base metals into ones more precious? If there were tomes in existence that were full of dangerous ideas then I really doubt the average scholar would have had access to any of them. Imagine some high school kids checking out the Name of God scroll as a laugh and speaking the creator's name backwards thus unmaking the universe. Scary thought.

As an experiment try gathering up the collected knowledge of any modern city today and any archivist would be appalled at the pile of incorrect entries to wade through to get to the facts. The main sources of information would come from the misinformed, stupid, well-meaning but wrong, misanthropic and those with skewed agendas. The royal library was probably full of questionable material. In content the Library of Alexandria was probably somewhat similar to many current on line resources with poorly-vetted or wrongly accepted information that is taken as a definitive source.

Did the Library of Alexandria hold the answers to the many secrets of the universe? No. But I bet it had a great section devoted to tasty dung beetle recipes.

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