Murder in a Hurry

Cover artist unknown. Published 1950.

Darwin Re-Do

I was reading one of my favorite websites today and an entry about the stupidifying of science caught my attention. Apparently, Creationists are removing sections of the paradigm shifting work of Charles Darwin, thereby changing the overall content and prefacing it with their own brand of wingnuttery that fulfills their own agenda. Doublethinking works of art or science that are in the public domain in order to make them a part of a cherry-picked revised history is a heinous idea that is being being utilized only for their vulnerability to abuse and to fill an agenda. Several years from now when the the legitimate copies of the Darwin book are out of print or unavailable online due to a possible future non-neutrality of the internet, the wingnut versions will undoubtedly still be widely available as publishing loss-leaders supported by the wacky fringe as part of their general warrgarbhl background noise.

Then I had a thought. Mash-ups of different literary genres are making money hand over fist these days and I felt like a sucker for not jumping on board that particular lucre-train sooner. The novelty text-mixes of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters is filling the coffers of the authors quite nicely, I understand. Well, except for that of Ms. Austen, that is.

So much like the Creationists I came up with my own special house mix of science and fantasy of mankind's most famous work. Look for it on the shelves of your favorite book store just in time for the War on Christmas.

BONUS SNEAK PEEK PREVIEW EXCLUSIVE TO LTMS READERS!

Check below for the special preview excerpted from the thrilling 4th chapter of The Origin of the Species and Zombies by Charles Darwin and myself. Originally published 1859 with the revised edition copyright 2009.

Extinction Caused By Natural Selection

Furthermore, the species which are most numerous in individuals will have the best chance of producing within any given period favourable variations. We have evidence of this, in the facts given in the second chapter, showing that it is the common species which afford the greatest number of recorded varieties, or incipient species. Hence, rare species will be less quickly modified or improved within any given period, and they will consequently be beaten in the race for life by the modified descendants of the commoner species. The exception being Zombies that will, however, multiply exponentially within the current generation and exterminate in short order all other competing species within any given geographical area.

From these several considerations I think it inevitably follows, that as new species in the course of time are formed through natural selection or plague of virulent walking dead, others will become rarer and rarer, and finally extinct. Upon examination many extinct forms will be discovered to be missing their brains. The forms which stand in closest competition with those undergoing modification and improvement, will naturally suffer most, such as humanity. And we have seen in the chapter on the Struggle for Existence that it is the most closely-allied forms, varieties of the same species, and species of the same genus or of related genera, which, from having nearly the same structure, constitution, and habits, generally come into the severest competition with each other. Zombies exploit this in fascinating yet horrible ways. While they are bereft of speed and higher cognitive functions, Zombies practice an unconscious cooperative pack behavior and sheer numbers will eventually bring down even the swiftest prey.

Consequently, each new variety or species, during the progress of its formation, will generally press hardest on its nearest kindred, and tend to exterminate them through natural predation or brain eating. We see the same process of extermination amongst our domesticated productions, through the selection of improved forms by man. Many curious instances could be given showing how quickly new breeds of cattle, sheep, and other animals, and varieties of flowers, take the place of older and inferior kinds. In Yorkshire, it is historically known that the ancient black cattle were displaced by the long-horns, and that these 'were swept away by the short-horns' (I quote the words of an agricultural writer) 'as if by some murderous pestilence of ravenous, walking undead.'

She is dead to me

Along with The Proposal and Drag Me To Hell the spouse picked up the Land of the Lost DVD which, as expected, was released with no fanfare and less advertising in under four months after the theatrical release. Additionally, the DVD showed up on store shelves on a Saturday and not the usual Tuesday that most retail outlets schedule for their weekly movie release dates.

When I asked the wife why she spent money on the disappointing Will Ferrell feature she shrugged and said she knew I liked Land of the Lost. It is like the last 20 years of marriage never existed.

Since the wife is deaf she typically enjoys visual humor and the awkward slapstick that Ferrell and company attempted kept her interested until the end of the film. The DVD also satisfies my completist urges for anything associated with Land of the Lost, but just barely. I doubt I will ever watch it again unless it is to compare it to some future and far superior treatment to the 2009 version, much like people who watch both the original The Day the Earth Stood Still and the stultifying Keanu Reeves release in one sitting. Really, though, I would have been less annoyed if she had purchased two copies of The Proposal.

Happy Halloween

Drive safe! Lots of children and teens out there on the streets. Tonight of all nights don't be in such a hurry to get to the house/liquor store/bacchanal. For pity's sake, put down the bong long enough to get to your destination in one piece and without leaving a trail of destruction in your wake. I live and work in a college area so I know of what I speak.

Calling All Girls (October 1960).

No Halloween is complete without Hayley Mills!

It's hard to imagine someone so adorable as Hayley Mills being effective in suspense films but word has it that Hello Kitty is a harbinger of all evil, so what do I know? It's a credit to her WILD TALENT that Hayley is versatile enough to totally own any role.

So click the wide, witnessing eyes in the adorable picture above to check out The Horrors of Haley Mills at Horror-Wood!

What is really scary

Monsters and demons are not the real terrors in this world. What is really scary is having fire trucks, police cars and ambulances tear past your car at high speed down your street as you approach your final turn before arriving home.

Uncensored Detective

Great cover for what is a run-of-the-mill detective mag despite the teasing title and salacious come-ons.


Uncensored Detective (December 1946).

Want to see something really scary?

Monsters and demons are not the real terrors in this world. It is the gross and icky people that will doom us all.

Spotted in a popular family restaurant in San Diego, September 2009.

A question of simian survival

Dr. Zaius is celebrating an important milestone over at Zaius Nation! Drop in and wish him well. After all, he helped Obama get elected so now you owe him.

Not so fast

True Detective (June 1956).

Scorpion Moon

Detective Story (May 1938).

No Blood for Oyl

Helix magazine (October 23, 1969).
Art by Bob London.

Lola

Nugget (February 1956).

Good boy

Blackest Night: Superman #3 (December 2009).

Hoay!

Spotted a lack of spell check on a novelty newspaper at one of those seasonal Halloween costume supply outlets that open for about a month using the space of all those failed vacant retail shops in the malls.

What Hath Bernie Wrought?

An apparently never completed art contest from Web Of Horror #3 (April 1970). The contest promised to have a winner revealed in a later issue, but #3 was the final book of the series.

Horror is of course subjective. What some people find terrifying others snooze over. In 1987, there was no greater fear for a parent than having your child attest the Queen of England was a lesbian.

Found in the college area

One of the few positive aspects of being beaten down by life is that while you wander aimlessly about the streets because the thought of staring at the television another second is too much to bear, you usually hang your head down as you walk. While this has the danger of accidentally walking into poles, low-hanging signs and other stationary objects there is the rare benefit of finding interesting things on the ground that does not consist of pebbles, twigs, unconscious homeless people and soda cans.

Like the memory card out of a camera, for instance.

Like most discoveries of this nature the card is jam-packed with photos of cool music concerts, vacations I can't possibly afford, fun parties I will never be invited to, complete tools who need a beating and attractive women, one of whom is apparently the owner of the card. Don't get excited. Since I am over the age of twelve I will not be posting or sharing her personal photos, ever. So don't ask. Young women have enough to worry about without some tool who is way overdue for a whupping zapping her photos all over the planet. *

If possible I would like to find the owner and send her back her card as it undoubtedly contains some very special memories that may otherwise be lost forever. The card was found in a college area of San Diego in September 2009 and there are very few clues as to the identity of the owner. Perhaps the dazed and confused couple in the photo below are able to identify the owner and have her contact me.

I have found about six memory cards laying about on the ground in the last year. I usually find more flash drives and SD Cards than coins. Amusingly, with the exception of one that stored an elderly couple's Arizona vacation all of them contained photos or videos depicting drug use. The last one I found was full of photos of two guys doing nothing but smoking crack.

It is disheartening to see that kids are not any smarter than they were back in the late-1980s. During inspections of military housing I'd often find taped to the walls of service member's rooms Polaroids of the soldiers smoking a bong or holding huge bags of marijuana in that very same room. The photos were invariably mounted in plain sight. Usually the new photographic evidence of illegal activity would have visible in the background one of the older pictures of illegal activity.

For the record I'm currently against the legalization of the Devil's Weed. Not because it is allegedly harmful or hysterically designated as the first step to an inevitable heroin addiction but because people act like morons 95 percent of the time and our society hasn't proven itself mature enough to use it responsibly. People generally act stupid and I've never met anyone who was high that didn't act stupider from the effects of it, as shown in Exhibit A above. As a rule we can't even handle sugar, booze and trans fats much less recreational narcotics.

* Unless she is a entertainer, celebrity, politician or other public figure. In that case Perez Hilton can call me and we can discuss my awesome payday because finders are keepers.

Draw me!

One of the nicer illustrations used for an art correspondence course. Far superior in execution than those sketches of the Old Salt and the big-eyed baby deer.

Liberty magazine (February 1937).

Takedown Update Rundown

About a month ago my YouTube account was suspended. In brief, Dashgo/Audiobee filed a copyright violation claim against my YouTube account, causing it to be shut down and all my media and links were removed. You can read about the initial experience here: I Command Thee, Fellow!

Last week YouTube made the decision to restore the account.

Many of the amateur and even some professional internet publishers kind of lose their cool when they have their free or paid accounts that host or share media shut down. The most famous recent example being the now-defunct scans_daily forum. A lot of members and visitors went utterly bananas when scans_daily was closed by LiveJournal for Terms Of Use violations. FYI: Posting entire issues of newly published comics and graphic novels does not constitute a review in any context, fellers. That a relative few ruined an experience that many enjoyed is regretable but understandable.

Which brings me to comment on my situation regarding the claim that closed my media account.

Instead of anger, unhinged rants and casting aspersions of the gender-preferences of the various entities involved with the suspension of my account I opened a rational dialog with DashGo/Audiobee and YouTube. As YouTube recommended I filed a counter-notification to the claim. I also contacted DashGo/Audiobee. I defended the posting of the video as part of a review under fair use. The response was concern that the video was not viewable solely within the referring blog post which would further qualify it under fair use. The problem was that the clip could simply be searched for, viewed and even downloaded via YouTube bereft of any context.

So basically my use of the video on the blog was considered fair use but the manner in which it was posted to YouTube wasn't. Utilizing and perceiving YouTube only as a hosting site while ignoring that others will not use it in the same manner as I would created the conflict. That copyright holders feel the need to protect their property in that case is perfectly valid, hard to argue against though still remaining to me at least somewhat arbitrary. They have to draw a line somewhere and don't have the time or resources to review every clip and decide if it is diluting the value of the property or not. In the future there probably will be a way to determine that but right now the usual models fall short.

As of yet YouTube doesn't appear to have a setting to allow clips to be stored on their site and viewed only on another and that is another decision that seems wise on the part of the provider. Advertising, click-throughs and other revenue-generating internet thingies are all on their site and they don't want to become become some anonymous media host that fails and goes bankrupt because they are directing traffic away from their own site without compensation.

Whatever processes on the parts of DashGo/Audiobee and YouTube took place worked in my favor this time and my account was restored complete with the H.R. Pufnstuf video clip. Out of respect for DashGo/Audiobee I have disabled the clip for now and will try to have it hosted elsewhere and then provide a link to it, preferably one that leads the reader to an authorized outlet like the Krofft MySpace page. I don't know if they would be comfortable hosting it as one of their mini-clips as the site seems to be a pretty shiny happy place and the Matango-like theme of the Pufnstuf clip is dark, scary and somewhat out of place alongside Captain Kool and Magic Mongo.

My First Book of Noir

"He had been called "Sweat Weasel" for so long he had nearly forgotten his true name."

A page from the story Sweat Weasel in Big Town. Originally published in My First Book of Noir (1953).