Monday, August 01, 2005

Call It A Day, Already

I'm a fan of Robert E. Howard and his characters. So I hope that the cover of this magazine doesn't accurately reflect the story inside. This is because I didn't think Howard wrote any dumb barbarians.

The hero depicted on the cover of this book is incredibly optimistic, horny or stupid. Actually, his thought processes here look to be a combo-meal of all three. Barbarians in fantasy literature often go through hell, literally, and usually it is for a few gold coins and a hot chick. My advice to self would be to head the other direction and find a witch-girl with a smaller, weaker guardian.

Let me tell you why our hero is going to lose the battle...
1) The creature is a demon, and has all kinds of demon tricks and ways.
2) The demon is part cat. All cats are irredeemably evil, capable of acts that make Satan seem as charitable as Bill Gates' wife.
3) It outweighs the hero by a few tons.
4) It is smart enough to know how to use a sword. This lends itself to the idea that the creature has likely spent about 10,000 years practicing against tumescent barbarians.
5) The demon shoots laser-beams from its eyes.

LASER-BEAMS! This critter can kill you just by looking at you. Okay, for me this is a deal-breaker. No matter what charms the little clawed hottie has, I couldn't enjoy them with Little Conan burned to a briquette with a sideways glance from the boyfriend from hell.

I like gold and hot chicks as much as anyone, but there have to be easier villages to plunder.


1 comment:

  1. Extra reason: the hero has a weapon that looks like it would be very effective for bringing in the wheat crop, but not much else. If he tried to stab a creature in the heart with that weapon, I'm not sure what would happen. It would either break, or slip right off the creature's ribcage and curve back into our hero's shoulder. Or maybe his face, depending on the angle.


Moderation enabled only because of trolling, racist, homophobic hate-mongers.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.