Comments fixed, fluvia fluved

Jon the Intergalactic Guardian dropped me a note that Blogger Comments were somehow disabled over the last few days. That will teach me to not go back to each post and triple-check that my default settings have not been changed! I apologize to the 4 out of the 12 bots who routinely visit who were unable to spam me with offers of reduced home loans and a lifetime of magazine subscriptions. Everything should be back to normal now.

Tags: Blogger Bugs

Pulp Wonder Woman

-The New Paradise-

The space-suited figure was terribly heavy to carry but Diana dared not lighten the burden by removing the protective suit the man wore. Breaking the seal on the visitor's helmet and exposing the rocket ship pilot to the atmosphere could prove fatal, or worse. Much had changed in the world in the century since the corpse of the Zerodark slammed into the world from outer space and transformed the world of mankind forever.

Diana spared a glance back over her shoulder at the vast, horizon-spanning bulk of the creature that destroyed much of the old world so many years ago by dying within the pull of the Earth's gravity. She could still detect the wisp of gray smoke from the destroyed rocket curling upwards through the sky, visible against the cracked, dark blue chitinous armor of the Zerodark. An hour's walk distant from the rocket and Diana could yet hear the hungry screams of the alien fauna drawn to seek prey by the noise of the rocket crash.

For a moment an exhausted Diana considered abandoning the unconscious pilot to the mercies of the strange plant and animal life that was borne to earth by the ill-timed death of the moonlet-sized creature. Living within its flesh, both hostile parasites and beneficial microbes were set free from their usual world of thick shell to attack and twist the Earth. But leaving the pilot to a horrible fate was a consideration that was, at most, fleeting. The spaceman represented hope for her people. He was from a time no one was old enough to recall and surely held secrets of science that Diana and the rest of the survivors could only dream of. The remains of humanity would need this man's help in the quest to rebuild the world into a new paradise for them all.

Next Month

- Eye of the Zerodark-

Yayu knows!

I always enjoy discovering evidence that people of a by-gone age were more sophisticated than they are depicted as in either popularized perception or in their official history. To me there is proof of this in the poem "Hobgoblins" by Japanese poet Yayu. The poem offers a rational explanation to the fear of the supernatural, revealing that there no need to attribute to demons that wish a person harm when it can be explained with some rational thought.

Yayu (1701–1783)

Where Grimms Fairy Tales were cautionary learning stories used to scare children into behaving, being wary of strangers and not making the local government official angry with you, this poem could possibly have been used to teach young people to think.

Image from Little Pictures of Japan (1925).

Tags: Poetry Reality Skeptic

Cool Golden Age Page of the Day: Cat Scratch Fever

Usually the Cool Golden Age Page of the Day is restricted to just one awesome page of classic 1940s awesomeness. But in this instance the battle between Mr. Risk and the murderous, poison-clawed Cougar from Super Mystery #1, v4 (January 1944) neither page would be as cool alone as they are when shown together.
The layouts and fight on the first page are great and I just couldn't pass up showing the next scene of ironic fate where a cat gets run over by a car.

Golden Age Bonus! Unnecessary panel-filling expository word balloons that summarize the entire story.

Tags: Golden Age

Hell hath no Furry

Long before I knew what a "Furry" was I liked Tigra and the Starjammer crew member Hepzibah. While I still appreciate the characters I can't help now but to associate them with a fetish I don't understand whenever they appear. Recently the alien Hepzibah has been set up to have more of an active role in the X-Men universe and unless the writer drops the ball on the idea it'll be interesting to see how the Summers clan deal with someone who is basically their alien step-mom.

Hepzibah has changed quite a bit in form over the years since she was first revealed to be a space-faring pirate back in 1977. Originally she seemed more like a polecat-woman thing who was the love interest of Corsair, the father of Scott (Cyclops) Summers who sought revenge on a tyrannical empire for crimes against his family. When friends and I initially read the D'Ken storyline in X-Men we all were somewhat puzzled over Hepzibah's relationship with Corsair, not realizing at the time there was an entire market for that subset of comics fandom. Though I had been exposed to inter-species relationships through science fiction novels and was sort of used to it after a fashion, our collected reaction to it was "Ewww." Up to that point most of the alien-human relationships we were used to in the genre were between humans and others who were as "alien" as a Vulcan or green-skinned dancing slave girl.

In her first appearance in X-Men #107 (October 1977), Hepzibah looked more like a warrior-skunk and was openly racist. As being sort of feline she hated the avian race Empress Lilandra was a part of. This was when comics were a lot more fun and crazy and it made perfect sense to have a race of sort of cat people be the subjects and slaves of the bird people. You get the idea that their respective species have been fighting for centuries, each race alternately seeking to revenge wrongs from an ancient and continuing feud.

Hepzibah: Skunk, lover, warrior, one-shot character.

This Marvel Database character gallery shows a good if out of sequence evolution of the character as different writers and artists portrayed her. Interestingly, the probably-out-of-continuity version of Hepzibah is probably the best depiction of her as purist science fiction goes. Hepzibah is still all-female for the fans, but as an alien only superficially resembles both a woman and cat, which is emphasized by her strange ears.

Bully reminds us that Corsair's girlfriend is modeled on Mam'selle Hepzibah from Walt Kelly's Pogo.
Good old Dave Cockrum.

Her recent appearance in Uncanny X-Men #486 (July 2007) has her looking much more human in form and musculature which I'm not thinking is a good thing. This panel makes Hepzibah look as if she is the Sex-Punisher.

"Unsatisfying sex is the disease. I'm the cure...purrrrr."

Why is she now hot and sexy? She doesn't appear remotely feline. Her face is human and she has a nose. Gone is the long arm and leg fur and billowy hairy chest. She looks like she went to a Hollywood plastic surgeon for breast implants and full-body electrolysis. The changes ultimately might be found in fan taste and market reality as she fits more into the style of the slightly-altered human that populate much of the X-Men cast. Anyone but a select few reading the books would probably not be interested by the 1977 version getting it on with a human like Corsair, though I think it inevitable that she will be forming a sexual relationship with one or more of the X-Men. Hopefully none of them will be from the Summer clan itself since her previous relationship with Daddy Summers would make that creepy and wrong. I have the uncomfortable expectation that her alien culture will have her portrayed as equally bitchy and promiscuous to human standards, much to the delight of the fanboys and fangirls who enjoy Furry Fan Fiction.

Hepzibah 2007, with her large breasts, an exposed taut stomach, sharp teeth, long red nails and a kick-rear attitude is pure fan pandering. While the 1977 version of Hepzibah has roots in hard Science Fiction, but the 2007 cat-lady screams of Hard Core Sex.

Tags: Hepzibah X-Men

New! Gwen Stacy Comiquette

Now Spider-Man fans can commemorate a classic scene from Marvel comic book history with their very own, ultra-sexy, Anniversary-release Gwen Stacy Comiquette brought to you by Drooling Fanboy Productions! The Gwen Stacy Comiquette is based on drawings by venerated comic book artists Gil Kane, John Romita and Tony Mortellaro from the milestone July 1973 issue of The Amazing Spider-Man #121!

Standing a full 9 inches tall with optional base the statue is carefully mass-produced by skilled orphan children in Chinese labor camps and is made from high quality resin so you know it is lotion-resistant and the color is guaranteed not to fade or flake no matter how much and how many times it is handled or rubbed! The Gwen Stacy Comiquette is suitable for display on the desk, bookcase or computer monitor.

Available in July 2007, the Gwen Stacy Comiquette featuring the woman who changed the life of Spider-Man forever and pushed him into the arms of a vacuous party-skank can be yours for just $229.00 each (s&h not included).

Bonus! The first 500 paid orders receives the exclusive 3-D die-cast resin Neck-Snappin' Action attachable Sound FX accessory at no extra charge!

Tags: Spider-Man Gwen Stacy Comiquette

Cool Golden Age Page of the Day: What! A gorilla in your hotel room!

From Exciting Comics #8 (March 1941).

Tags: Golden Age

Buh-Bye

It's no secret I have no tolerance and hold contempt for the purveyors of woo-woo and those who manipulate the gullible, scared and stupid using fear, hate and religion. I was, while not ecstatic like some at the passing of a human being who very likely had some honestly terrifying and painful final moments, was at least in a way relieved to hear of the passing of Jerry Falwell. My feelings come not from joy but rather from a place where you finally let go of the worry you held when you realize that a bully can no longer hurt or abuse anyone.

It doesn't matter if Jerry Falwell spent all his free time performing emergency air-lifts of blind, orphaned puppies from the middle of an African genocide zone and found them new homes with loving families after personally paying for sight-restoring surgery out of his own pockets. The man was a hypocritical bigot with what I hope was only a passing fancy with reality, because if he was not actually troubled mentally then his actions were those of a corrupt, evil person.

Chris Hitchens recently appeared on CNN with his own unique eulogy (using facts, mind you, not made up stuff) countering the slack-jawed, fawning praise others are spreading about the departed Reverend. His peers, who are probably pimping to be his replacement in the dim minds of Jerry's temporarily adrift followers slash cash machines ignore what the Reverend was like in their race to praise him while on camera. Hitchens is rapidly becoming one of my heroes. He is so scary smart that I'm sure he confuses and frightens all the Little Brains in the ranks of the Legion of Stupids. You can see his CNN appearance about Falwell here at Crooks & Liars.

Tags: Christopher Hitchens Jerry Falwell Crooks & Liars

Thanks, When Fangirls Attack!

I noticed this morning the May 16th issue of the online New York Post included a quote from my opinion about the Mary Jane Comiquette. The quote was slightly out of context but really, with the New York Post is there any other kind? Now to parlay this newfound exposure into a book and movie deal!

Click picture for full article

Update: Fox News also quoted me.
Update: MSNBC doesn't read the article either! (They rewrote the article today to remove quotes).

Thanks, When Fangirls Attack!

Disclaimer: In the event of fame and fortune I owe you nothing.

Tags: Spider-Man Mary Jane Watson Media

DARWIN IS MY POPE

Tags: Charles Darwin Evolution Reality

How do you like me now, John?

Why were Jessica Alba's facial features changed for the international promotional art of the Fantastic Four - Rise of the Silver Surfer movie? Only part of her face resembles Alba any longer and is oddly asymmetrical now.

Maybe it was to fool movie-goers into believing someone who could act was in the sequel. I kid! I'm a guy, I love her. Who cares if she can act? At least until she hits 30th birthday, don't you know. Then she better be on a par with Kate Blanchett if she wants my movie dollars.

Still, strange to change her as if she wasn't attractive or appealing enough for the foreign market. The other cast members who are male (even the one with make-up prosthetics), appear realistically accurate in the Marvel promo art.

Tags: Jessica Alba Fantastic Four


What do you mean by "John" in the title?

Tostitos endorses Evolution

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Just for the non-woo woo, biology-based, rational commercial alone a giant, faceless corporation has a new friend in me.

I saw a commercial for Tostitos flour tortilla chips on television the other day and was stunned and overjoyed. A little girl continually presses her father for answers by repeatedly asking "Why?" and the response isn't "Because!" like you might expect a frustrated parent to respond with in a funny commercial. The answer that finally satisfies her is one based in rational thought. So far I can only find the commercial on You Tube and if you haven't watched it you should before it vanishes or fades quietly away. The commercial itself isn't on the official Tostitos web site in spite of being out for a month or more and because of the content I suspect it may never be.

I know the party won't last because the company will ultimately worry about profits and boycotts and image and will inevitably screw up or fold under pressure from the faceless Legion of Stupids that seem to populate this country but I'll enjoy it while I can. The young actress in the commercial is precious and the message to her from her parents is heartening to see. Maybe reality is starting to seep into pop culture?

Just because, click the picture to see the Tostitos 'Why?" commercial.

Tags: Reality Tostitos

Bad Art from the Silver Age of Comics!

I get that Doctor Don Blake is lame as a way of being taught humility, but veteran comic book artist Al Hartley portrayed him way back in 1963 as if he was one of those novelty soda bottles that gets heated until it can be all stretched out and twisted. Truthfully, the idea of Blake being severely disabled (as opposed to having what arguably could be called an affectation) and barely able to function until he transforms into Thor is very intriguing. But I don't think this was what Hartley was going for due to the generally awful layouts throughout the story. It may be that Hartley pencilled and inked this issue on a very tight deadline but this is just painful to read, like the current New X-Men or the Wonder Man limited series.

Click for a slideshow of more twisted fun

I have no idea what Marvel was doing here. Blake is more anatomically incorrect than Supergirl. Well, at least it wasn't Colletta inking Kirby.

Pages from Journey Into Mystery #90 (March 1963).

Tags: Bad art

Memsers!

Whatchacallit...blame Chris.Tags: Meme

Have a Marvelous Mother's Day!

Ultron loved his Mother so much that he tried to marry her! That is not good. Don't be like Ultron and try to transfer your Mom's brain into an empty metal shell so you can have your own creepy personal love doll. Do like I did and take her to lunch and buy her some non-creepy stuff from the mall.

These days, having failed after numerous attempts to steal Janet Van Dyne away from his father, Ultron now inhabits an uber-hot clone of her body. Go figure.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

This Oedipal moment is from Avengers #162 (August 1977).

Tags: Mother's Day Avengers

World War Hulk 1961!

In the comic book event World War Hulk, Marvel has the exiled Hulk return to earth after the good intentions of some super heroes goes awry, their actions eventually killing all the people the Hulk cared about on his new, adopted world. Understandably the Hulk is pretty angry and seeks revenge on all those he felt wronged him. I'm looking forwards to it because I like the character and get a kick out of the whole Hulk Smash! aspect. Comic books need to have plenty of hitting things and blowing stuff up. Without it you may just as well read a regular novel, what some people call a "real book".

But did you know there was a World War Hulk story back in 1961? Not only did it feature a character also called the Hulk (later re-named Xemnu the Titan for those of you not up on your Marvel history) but it only took 2 issues to tell the entire exciting story! In Journey Into Mystery #62 (November 1960), a giant furry alien called the Hulk escaped from a space prison and crashed onto the planet Earth.

Unable to conquer his home planet the Hulk set out to take control of the Earth with the unwitting assistance of a scientist who should have known better. Erroneously believing that any highly-advanced race of aliens couldn't possibly be evil the scientist revives the comatose Hulk. Of course, things go horribly wrong for Earth as the revived alien embarks upon a plan to attack his home world, using the populace of the Earth as his slaves. Using his scary mind powers the furry Hulk easily took control of the planet and was defeated only when a scientist tricked the Hulk into getting into a spaceship, exiling the creature into space. Does that seem familiar? That is because it has happened a few times since Journey Into Mystery #62. It not only occurred in the Planet Hulk story arc but also in the original 6 issue run of the Incredible Hulk series from way back in May of 1962.
A few months later in Journey Into Mystery #66 (March 1961) the Hulk returned, and this time it was personal!
Using his alien powers of super hypnotism the Hulk forced a passing meteor to smash into his prison ship, causing it to crash land onto Earth once more and freeing him from the makeshift prison.
The furry Hulk, having returned from a forced exile in space returns to Earth and declares war on mankind.
While the Hulk could easily conquer the Earth once more by using hypnotism as he did previously, he is pretty annoyed and prefers to use his superior hitting powers to force humanity into subjugation.
Eventually, the scientist the Hulk hates above all other humans shows up in town. Humanity can be saved from the rampaging Hulk if the scientist can exact his plan. Enraged, the Hulk delays his plans of planetary Armageddon for the chance to smash the human that had once outwitted him. The theme of the Hulk hating a puny scientist is one that would be used later in the Bruce Banner/Hulk dynamic and would essentially remain the status quo for decades until Bill Mantlo and Peter David explored in greater depth and evolved the concept.

The Hulk thinks the human will be easy to destroy but unbeknownst to him, the scientist has a crazy plan that just might work. The brave scientist would ultimately defeat the Hulk with the one thing he had no defense against...His own power! In the early 1960s all that excitement cost a reader a grand total of 20 cents! Even adjusted for inflation, what will the current World War Hulk story, cross-overs and tie-ins cost? The again, can you really put a price on quality entertainment, even if it is kind of recycled from 40 years ago? I think Marvel and Civil War answered that question already!

I suspect that the current World War Hulk comic book event will end in a similar fashion as the one from 1961. The 2007 Hulk will be forced to look into another kind of mirror and examine the motivations behind his rampage and surrender to the authorities or at least, return to the old status quo of being hunted by the military and hounded by various super heroes wherever he goes.

Tags: Hulk Marvel

Fantastic Four #7: Fixed it for you, Jack

Man, I do love Jack Kirby but...wow...he could draw people as incredibly ugly! Especially the women. Yeesh!

Fantastic Four #7 (October 1962).

Tags: Bad Art Kirby

Monsters from the Id!

Sometimes a train is just a train, but when I saw this scene of one smashing into a furry monster at the entrance to a subway tunnel, for some reason "treachery" and "ironic" were not the first words that came to mind.

Panel from Where Monsters Dwell #13 (January 1972).

Tags: Seduction of the Innocent Freudian

Mary Jane, the other white meat

There is a lot being said about the inappropriateness of the Housewife Gone Wild Mary Jane Watson-Parker Comiquette that is being advertised and I can't really defend it, much as I would like to. Looking at the statue from the perspective of someone who appreciates the classic Good Girl Art of the 40s and 50s I can understand the statue's place in the genre, but I also get why so many find it offensive, though some the reactions from both the pro and anti-statue factions is equally bizarre.
The statue and others like it are being produced right at a time when, like the in the 60s, comic books are supposedly going through a period of growth and maturity as an art form. The statue represents a big step backwards for those concerned about the state and future of comic books. It could be worse, though. Fans should be grateful that MJ isn't portrayed in the style of an Art Frahm pin-up, tangled in the leash of the Spectacular Spider-Dog with her panties fallen down around her ankles while carry a bag of groceries.

Why do I think the term "Comiquette" is soon going to be co-opted and mean something else entirely?

Janet Van Dyne: "Oh, my gawd. Did you see She-Hulk today?"
Carol Danvers: "Yeah, she's turned into such a Comiquette."

On the other hand, if the statue was of Mary Jane Watsow-Porker washing out the costume of the Spectacular Spider-Ham, I'd buy it in a second.

Tags: Spider-Man Seduction of the Innocent

How to Draw Comics the Marvel Way!

Step 1) Put your pencil on the paper.

Step 2) Continually apply 10,000 volts to testicles, making sure to not lift pencil from drawing surface.

Step 3) Submit results to Marvel for publication.

Step 4) Profit!

I thought the art in New X-Men #38 was bad, but that is some heinous stuff.

Page from Wonder Man #5 (June 2007).

Tags: Bad art Marvel