The Final Panels from Canceled Comic Books: #2 - Dakota North

For the second entry into the sometimes confusing, hastily-drawn and odd swan songs of canceled comic books I have invited a guest-blogger. That was something I once thought I would never entertain because 1) Who would want to post here? And 2) The very real ego-crippling danger that anyone who does an entry will be funnier, wittier and far more clever than I can manage on my best day.

So braving the possible destruction of my sense of self-worth I present Marionette, guesting from the Wonder Woman-centric and troll-target website the Dance of the Puppets.

In other words, "I'm looking for work tomorrow, so screw it."

When I offered to send Sleestak my favourite last panel from a canceled comic book for his collection he mentioned he'd knew nothing about the title and invited me to do a guest entry, and here we are.

Dakota North ran for 5 issues from 1986 to 87 and featured the adventures of jet setting, glamorous private eye Dakota North. Superficially she looked a bit like a sexed up version of Max Allen Collins and Terry Beatty's Ms. Tree, a non-jetting, unglamorous private eye, such that an advert Marvel ran to promote Dakota featuring the tag "Style" in large type was parodied by the Ms. Tree team, featuring their heroine and changing the tag to "Substance".

The problem with Dakota North was that although the story tried to be a lot like a big action movie with James Bond-like chases across well known foreign landmarks, the dialogue was turgid, the plots banal, and the art was appalling. A lot of the time Tony Salmons' art looks unfinished, often leaving the rather dull and unimaginative colouring to define objects that appear only half drawn.

It's anything but stylish.

Its cancellation at issue #5 must have been very last minute. The immediate maguffin is dealt with, but the overall plot line is just starting to build, and even the letters column refers to subsequent issues. The only indication that this is the last issue is the final caption.

But apparently that wasn't the end of Dakota North. While looking stuff up I found this page, Thrilling Detective, which lists her subsequent adventures and adjustment into quite a different character.

Just shows nobody ever stays dead or forgotten in comics.

Mari

Thanks, Mari! You read it so we didn't have to!

Published bi-monthly, the title seems to have suffered from at least partly a lack of support from Marvel. Way back in the 80s before the writers and artists dictated how the company was run it was often that good editorial attention turned around many faltering titles. Imagine how differently the initial Dakota North story arc would have been accepted if someone as stylized as Bill Sienkiewicz or Kevin Nowlan handled the art chores. The book was probably doomed creatively from the start since it was placed on the schedule during a particularly difficult period for professional and corporate Marvel.

I recall the "Style" ad but never picked the title up. My quota of strong female detectives was ably satisfied by Jeanne DeWolff at the time and I had little interest in a hotter version who fought crimes of fashion. New readers may recognize the character of Dakota North from her recent supporting role in the Ed Brubaker run of Daredevil.

Next in the series: Surviving Cancellation!

Tags: Final Panels from Canceled Comic Books

Slouching towards Bethlehem

From The Phony Pages #1 (May 1986).

Tags: Nancy Parody

The Final Panels from Canceled Comic Books: #1 - Devil Dinosaur

This might be interesting. I'm going to find the last panel of canceled comic books and post them to my online photo album, then write something about it here in Lady, That's My Skull. I anticipate some of the final panels will reveal different things about the title, the creators and some of the the editorial decisions that led to a book being canceled. Some of the comics will undoubtedly show signs of being unceremoniously or quickly dropped, others will present a cliff-hanger that may or may not have ever been resolved. Some panels will probably document the results of the decline caused by the mishandling a character or the mis-steps by the creative team on the title. A few of the final panels might be sad, some will be uplifting or even baffling.

The first in this series is the last panel from Jack Kirby's Devil Dinosaur #9 (December 1978).

After many adventures and a multi-issue re-telling of the Garden of Eden myth, Moon-Boy and Devil Dinosaur trod off into the sunset after being not-unexpectedly canceled, not to be revisited by Marvel for many years.

This is a title that ran during one of the 'Marvel Explosions' that occurred every now and then in the 70s and 80s when a comic company published a lot of things just to see what would have staying power in the market. Devil Dinosaur is a Jack Kirby work that is either considered great, has camp-value or is even admired in 2007. At the time it was a strange book to publish. It had no real large audience and it was mainly for Kirby fans who, honestly, were not numerous enough 20 years ago to support a title when a book could sell 700,000 copies and still be considered a failure. In 2007, executives can only dream of selling that many copies of a comic book. Also, Devil Dinosaur could very likely been put on the schedule out of a sense of obligation to Jack, who was gaining an ever-increasing audience in his very vocal and public battle with Marvel.

Interestingly, the series is was set outside of the Marvel Universe familiar to fans of 1978. Jack gleefully stomped all over his own extensive Marvel continuity during the nine issue run. That was odd considering that at the time the company was exploring deeply the concepts that Jack Kirby contributed in the Eternals subplots that were all over the place. Jack either didn't want to play within the established Marvel continuity by creating something new or was sending a message as a few Devil stories contradicted the foundations of his Eternals stories.

The final panel of the Devil Dinosaur title is a good example of a book that was quickly removed from the schedule as the farewell text and image is clearly an after-thought to the story. I can't really tell if the final panel is Jack Kirby and Mike Royer or is John Byrne doing Kirby, as the rocks look kind of Byrne-ish (See cover). At any rate the panel is kind of hastily done and something about the perspective is wrong. Amusingly, Devil Dinosaur has his fist cocked back like he is prepared to go over that hill and punch somebody out.

Jack Kirby may or may not have known that cancellation was coming for Devil Dinosaur and if he did, probably didn't care all that much since he just kept on Kirby-ing like mad throughout the final issues. The story in the last issue is one of time travel, where Devil accidentally enters a warp and briefly visits the modern era to stomp the crap out of things. Recently, the entire Devil Dinosaur and Moon Boy concept was retconned to have actually taken place not in pre-history or another reality as Kirby wrote it, but in the modern day locale of the Savage Land. Not a bad update to the Kirby Universe and it is one that I can live with.

Tags: Final Panels from Canceled Comic Books Jack Kirby Devil Dinosaur

It's not me, it's you

Yeah, with this little anecdote I've become fed up with comic book creators who hate the medium and have nothing but contempt for their audience.

Get your Hangover Bucks ^TM from some other sucker from now on.

Tags: Wanker

Comic Book Ad: Gabbigale, insulting in any language

Creepy ad for a creepy doll featuring creepy people. The cruel woman midget is particularly alarming.
From Walt Disney Showcase #19 (December 1973).

Of course, this ad gives one the opportunity for all sorts of tomfoolery. Like this...

And this...
And even this impossible fever dream of evil that is not true and could never happen in reality...

Tags: Comic Book Ad

Bad Advice from romance comic books - Are You Ready For Marriage?

DC Comics presents a 20 question quiz about readiness for marriage in Girls' Romances #147 (March 1970) and offers questionable advice in the life-changing decisions of young women!

Are you ready for marriage?

Are you already in a marriage when you shouldn't be?

Should you unceremoniously dump your fiance at the altar, alienate friends and family and live only with five neutered cats who keep you company while you reflexively drink a concoction of scotch and low-fat milk over ice while watching DVD's of Sex and the City?

Take the test and find out!

Disclaimer: Sleestak and the website Lady, That's My Skull not responsible for anyone who ruins their life by making horrible, tragic decisions based on the results of this test.

Click each image to make a big, life-altering decision that may involve
destroying your children and any future chances at happiness.

You can post your results publicly here in the comments section for strangers to poke fun at or even suggest some alternate questions!.

Tags: Bad Advice from Romance Comic Books

My loot. Let me show you it.

A couple weeks month and a half ago I received a care package from none other than Bully of Comics Oughta Be Fun!

The box was very heavy and when I opened it I was pleasantly surprised to discover I was the recipient of some of Bully's legendary generosity! I was so moved I created a live-action version of one of the scenes from the Krazy & Ignatz book.

In the box were the following books:

The Comics of Fletcher Hanks - I Shall Destroy All The Civilized Planets by Paul Karasik.

The Complete Peanuts - 1963-1964.

Walt Kelley's Our Gang - 1944-1945.

Things Get Away From You by Walt Holcombe.

Human Disatrophism and The Girl from H.O.P.P.E.R.S. - Love and Rockets trades.

Arf Forum v3 by Craig Yoe.

The Art of Lyonel Feininger.

Krazy & Ignatz - 1939.

Quite the haul! I've been remiss in reviewing these books for various reasons: Shiny things distracting me, crippling anxiety attacks, the job, varying accessibility to the computer and somehow misplacing my memory card after spending several hours scanning interesting pages and photographing the books (It's so difficult to find a fur or urine stain-free space in this house to display the books for a nice photo setting it's ridiculous). I don't want to even talk about the art project I also lost that I spent a day photographing. Argh!

I suspect the memory card I placed on the table just "for a minute" is now either a plaything of the cats hidden somewhere or is currently in the backyard, its tiny chewed pieces mixed in with dog droppings like cracked wheat in a loaf of bread.

So to correct this I'm going to begin reviewing the gifts as any good blogger should, even the ones I don't fully understand. I'll begin with the Fletcher Hanks book and maybe have an answer to the unasked question as to why there was more buzz about the book among bloggers before it came out than after.

Thanks again, Bully!

You can find out more about these and other fine books at Fantagraphics.
Tags: Reviews

Jesus, the Missing Years

The Time Machine

- Epilogue

One cannot choose but wonder. Will he ever return? It may be that he swept back into the past, and fell among the blood-drinking, hairy savages of the Age of Unpolished Stone; into the abysses of the Cretaceous Sea; or among the grotesque saurians, the huge reptilian brutes of the Jurassic times. He may even now - if I may use the phrase - be wandering on some plesiosaurus-haunted Oolitic coral reef, or beside the lonely saline lakes of the Triassic Age. Or did he go forward, into one of the nearer ages, in which men are still men, but with the riddles of our own time answered and its wearisome problems solved? Into the manhood of the race: for I, for my own part cannot think that these latter days of weak experiment, fragmentary theory, and mutual discord are indeed man's culminating time! I say, for my own part. He, I know - for the question had been discussed among us long before the Time Machine was made - thought but cheerlessly of the Advancement of Mankind, and saw in the growing pile of civilization only a foolish heaping that must inevitably fall back upon and destroy its makers in the end. If that is so, it remains for us to live as though it were not so. But to me the future is still black and blank - is a vast ignorance, lit at a few casual places by the memory of his story. And I have by me, for my comfort, two strange white flowers - shriveled now, and brown and flat and brittle - to witness that even when mind and strength had gone, gratitude and a mutual tenderness still lived on in the heart of man.

The Time Machine 2

- Prologue

Jesus was finally going home. The promise of adventure presented to him that hot dry day in Nazareth so long ago by the stranger were as if seeds of excitement were sown on barren ground. Edging the lever of the fantastic machine unto himself increased the pace of the strobing sun and and moon across the heavens as he passed outside of time, numbering the days and years. It was time, Jesus mused, after spending much of his adult life journeying to different eras to return to whence he came and end his wandering ways. He had been gone for too long from home, 18 long years! Much had changed for Jesus in the interim. He was older, wiser and had grown a long beard, something that would amuse his brother to no end. Undoubtedly many would think him dead and miraculously returned to life.

Years had passed since that day the Time Traveler appeared in the hills above the humble abode of Jesus. While collecting stray sheep for Joseph, a strange sound and flashing lights over by the old cave piqued the attention of the humble carpenter. Treading the path around a grove of olive trees Jesus beheld an amazing sight! An odd cart, bereft of oxen, seemed to form from the very air! The ground did tremble, the air did sound as if trumpets and with a flash of light the odd cart solidified and dropped roughly to the earth, the impact pitching it's pilot out roughly onto the dirt.

Swiftly, Jesus ran to offer comfort to the master of the cart. Even to his eyes untrained in the ways of healing it was obvious the stranger was injured. "Do you need succor? May I wash your feet, stranger?" Jesus said.

The stranger opened eyes caked with blood and looked up at his would be savior. "W...Weena?" The visitor said. Jesus was confused. The stranger was delirious, possibly possessed by madness. "I know not what this Weena may be." Jesus said, laying his hands upon the wounded man and helping the stranger to a sitting position against the cart. "Pray, tell me what is this wondrous cart I behold in my eyes that needs no goats or oxen to lead it?"

The stranger seemed to gain strength from the caring hand on his shoulder and was able to speak without gasping for breath. "It is a time machine, for crossing the years without the requirement of experiencing them. In the seat of this device that I built with my own two hands I am an eagle soaring above creation whereas man is the snail slowly traversing the years. Yet, kind sir, I am in sore needs of your assistance. My wounds are grievous and I am on a mission of utmost importance."

Jesus considered the chores that lay before him that day. Find the missing sheep, till the field, repair the table that Abraham dropped off yesterday at his carpenter shop, and scrub clean the village leper. After weighing these options Jesus decided that being a good Samaritan took precedence. "Of course, how may I help thee...Sir..?"

"Call me the Time Traveler, for that is who I am and what I am. I need to deliver these tomes of knowledge, we call them "books" in my far future advanced era, to my companion in the year 802, 701 A.D. I need you to pilot my 'cart' as you call it for my injuries are debilitating, though not fatal."

"Okay." Said Jesus. Over the course of the next several hours the Time Traveler explained the working of the arcane machine. It was then that together Jesus and the Time Traveler embarked upon an amazing and yet unrecorded series of adventures that culminated far in the future where the visitor was ultimately re-united with his young, child-like bride. When the Time Traveler decided to remain forever in the year 802,701 A.D., the homesick and restless Jesus begged his friend to let him return to the land and time of his birth. The Traveler agreed and adjusted settings on the time machine so it would return to him once the prodigal son had reached his proper era.

And thus began the long, strange journey of Time Traveling Jesus. Unbeknown to him, this would be no routine trip home. Along the way many adventures awaited him, both in the far future and distant past, with deeds great and small and fraught with danger and shocking revelations.

Tags: Science Fiction Jesus, the Missing Years Pulp

The search for a VP continues

Sleestak for President Campaign Diary
Entry for July 25th, 2007.

Today I met at the exclusive HAYLEYDOME with a candidate who I felt showed some promise as a potential Vice President. This candidate in question met several of the criteria required for a VP. To wit, the candidate was nearly perfect. Intelligent, a brilliant chemist, heterosexual, family-oriented, CEO of a successful construction company, experienced in defending borders against enemy attacks and was even once appointed as an Ambassador to another country! Best of all, the candidate was female! Being female is certainly plus for ensuring many votes in this day and age.

No, the candidate was not anyone recognizable from the Reagan or Clinton eras of politics. I am seeking someone who is not a beltway insider who will work for America as an American for America. I am referring instead of the silicon-based life form known as the Horta.
While I was initially very impressed with the Horta's qualifications and experience a quick background check revealed some troubling brushes with the law in her past. In the late 1960s, the Horta was involved in several underground environmental groups and was under investigation for several instances of manslaughter. Whether those charges were eventually dropped for lack of evidence or political expediency is unclear. But with some positive spin that incident could be as forgotten and considered as irrelevant to a candidate as Chappaquiddick was for Ted Kennedy.

But one incident in 2003 could not be overlooked and in a political campaign is the type of scandal that no amount of public relations could overcome, that of the Sex Scandal.

File copy, Santa Barbara County Sheriff booking card

The loyal, wholesome, patriotic Americans of America do not tolerate any shenanigans by their civic servants. The average honest, loyal American not understanding the complex issues of the military-industrial complex as it relates to private business and geo-politics is one thing, but a Vice Presidential candidate being arrested for soliciting prostitution is not the kind of scandal that Americans will overlook or dismiss in today's political climate. Particularly when a search at the local library revealed this shocking newspaper headline from the excellent, taxpayer-supported periodical archives.
While the Horta explained that she was a victim of circumstance and that the charge was completely innocent and taken out of context, I was skeptical. This was America! Opportunity is everywhere, from the street to the back alley, from the bus station restroom to the corporate boardroom! No circumstance or misfortune could ever possibly cause someone to be so desperate as to resort to selling their body and more importantly, their very soul to strangers! Furthermore, I was shocked that anyone involved in such sordid activities could possibly ignore the patriotic, American voice of honesty in themselves that would tell them to excuse themselves from politics and public service.

It was almost as if some manipulative person in a seedy motel somewhere was trying to set my campaign up for failure via scandal. If so then they were sadly mistaken. As if I wouldn't attempt to vet any candidates that came my way! No one in the history of political campaigns anywhere as ever been so foolhardy with the trust of the American people.

The search continues.

Tags: Sleestak for President Star Trek

Bad advice from comic books: Live a lie, girls! It's better than dying alone!

From Girls' Romances #153 (September 1971) is some advice meant for women worried that if they do or say the wrong thing they will scare men away. This feature is a good example of the problem that romance comics had during the 1970s. Published in the midst of a gender roles revolution when women were demanding equal rights more than ever before in American society, romance comic books gave only lip-service to women's liberation as they were firmly entrenched in the mores and expectations of the 1940s and 1950s.

Click the picture to to make a big freaking issue of it.

Tags: Bad Advice from Romance Comic Books

Two Hayley-riffic years of Lady, That's My Skull

Two years and over 1,000 posts brings me to my second anniversary of this blog, Lady, That's My Skull. This isn't my first blog. Torn from a happy place and transplanted into Maryland, it started as my only creative outlet since I was geographically and financially separated from my usual pursuits of art, cinema, literature and sunshine. Like many people I started several websites, joined many forums and then lost interest or abandoned them in the interest of pursuing different blisses. LTMS is the one I have enjoyed the most and I'll stick with it until it evolves beyond what I have intended it to be*.

But who cares about that? I know I don't. So, on with the amusing!

Good internet friend forever Bully of Comics Oughta Be Fun! Did me the kindness of a nice Anniversary card in the form of a post, which I really appreciated. Check it out. Thanks, Bully! I owe you a lunch.

Like my little stuffed pal, I also am disappointed in the lack of comic books featuring Hayley Mills, so I've corrected some of those oversights.

First up, The Family Way starring Hayley Mills in what was billed as her first 'adult' film. Many actors turn to roles featuring villainy or mature themes in order to appeal to a larger audience and show they can act beyond the characters that people are familiar with. Child actors in particular go that route with varying degrees of success. Hayley Mills was one of those that by all accounts was able to grow into a fine adult actor and have a successful career.

In The Family Way, Hayley gets married to some tool and like many newlyweds, experience comical, dramatic moments caused by interfering parents and horribly awkward adult situations. The Family Way also features the first nude scene by Hayley. I won't post screen shots of that, so stop searching for it and quit asking me.

People are most familiar with Hayley's Disney work, forgetting that she originally starred in a thriller as a young child before striking gold with Walt's and other studios. In a role that is quite different from those that later made her famous, in Tiger Bay Hayley plays a young girl who is a witness to a horrific crime.

Hayley Mills is watching you.

And she's packing heat!

The film is chilling, dramatic, very English and a young Hayley shows she can act like nobody's business.

Then of course is the 600-page, award-winning comic book adaptation of the award-winning film, The Hayley Mills Story.

Copies are available at the Hayley Mills Celebratory Complex Gift Emporium and on-line at this and other fine literature provider websites! Ask me about bulk, institutional and educational discounts!

- Hayley Mills comic book cameo from Girls' Love Stories #116 (January 1966)

Tags: Sleestak Lady, That's My Skull Hayley Mills Comic Books

* All bloggers are pretentious.

Cool Golden Age Page of the Day: Oil, is there anything it can't do?

Some nice art layout in this Senorita Rio story, though the oil stream seems a bit of a cheat for the purpose of filling space.

I've been enjoying the Senorita stories in my Fight Comics collection (far more than cover headliner, Tiger Girl) and I plan to share some groovy stuff about Rio later.

Fight Comics #65 (December 1949).

Tags: Golden Age

What I will be doing at the San Diego Comic Con

Nothing!

Annoyingly, thanks to the continuing effects of what happened last year in Maryland (dysfunctional payroll department, incompetent managers, blah blah blah) I will not be attending the SDCC this year, even though I live in San Diego only minutes away from the convention center. One of the things I was looking forwards to by being back in California was attending the big event.

I was all set to go and then prudence and majority raised their ugly heads and I find myself with little choice but to address and clear up some interesting surprises from Maryland that I got hit with last week. So instead of spending the money on the con I will be taking care of those issues. I won't go too much into details, because whiny bloggers moaning about their life bugs the heck out of me and bores everyone, but let me just say that if there is one state you don't want to be in if you have a financial set-back it is Maryland. You actually get assessed large fines for not having money.

It is one of those situations where if you don't do this you can't have this which doesn't allow you to take care of the first thing, creating a snowball effect of ever-increasing crap. Once caught up in that problem I discovered that the system seems designed to ensure that it is nearly impossible for a certain section of the populace to get out of it. Most people, I imagine, are trapped in a sort of economic stasis for years, unable to progress because they don't have the available resources to ever extricate themselves from it. It is almost enough to make one an activist.

So I am spending the next month and a half making sure that my family will not be stuck in that cycle. Plus, the company I currently work for may go on strike in the next few weeks so I'm not taking the risk of not having any funds stuffed under the mattress and being out of work when there are bills to pay.

There were a few people I wanted to meet and say "hiya" to at the con but it just isn't happening this time. No worries, as there is always next year.

Nuts to you, prudence and maturity!

Tags: San Diego Comic Convention

Stop it

Just stop, Rachael.

Tags: Pop-Culture Nausea

Girl there's a better life for me and you

As mentioned previously, ensuring the right candidate to run as the Vice President is a task of utmost importance. Certain exacting standards and qualifications must be met in order to weed out the foolish, corrupt and incompetent. So of course my first tool in my search was through using the greatest repository of knowledge available to Americans, the internet!

My first whistle-stop along the information super highway was a popular forum that has had great success in matching geographically disparate people with one another. This site uses 29 separate dimensions of unique reference points of compatibility to ensure that they are put together with a person in a way that guarantees the greatest success in their partnership. Since I myself have actually visited over 29 dimensions during my travels I was very enthusiastic about this website. I was assured that no company pre-screens their candidates more rigorously, using their scientifically proven matching system.

Now that is a great idea! Successful, smart people with common goals using SCIENCE to make sure they work hand in hand towards a better future! I couldn't think of a better way to find an ideal running partner to serve the great patriotic, honest American people of America.

I was pleasantly surprised that even prior to registering a suitable candidate by the name of Becky was immediately presented for my consideration. Now that is some good science!

I was intrigued by the perky "Becky", who it was assured to me was a "real person" who is a "registered user" of the site and not a "spokesmodel" acting as client-bait for the gullible. My search was off to a promising start. A Real Person is exactly what is needed in a Vice President. I can't imagine anyone more patriotic, loyal, American and duty-bound than a real American!

Once I was registered and my credit card was charged I searched for Becky in order to contact her. It was important that we set up a meeting as soon as possible in order to feel her out. I was disappointed to discover that Becky's profile was set to "private" and was declining all contact from other users. I guess that there was a computer error somewhere. That was unfortunate, but science isn't perfect. I'll continue to email Becky, though, until I hear back from her.

Undaunted, I expanded my search criteria to include males as my running partner. However this particular site seems to have a slight programming bug as it doesn't seem to allow males to search for other males. I found this a serious drawback in my quest for the ideal partner and shortly thereafter my account with the site was mysteriously canceled and deleted. Another glitch, I imagine.

Not a good way to run a company that purportedly has hundreds of thousands of happy, successful clients. Their IT department needs an overhaul, I think. This was a valuable lesson though. I further pledge when President that I will not guide America like it is a business, the practice of Corporate maneuvers, shenanigans and the manner in which they do business has no place in politics!

Next: The Search Continues

Tags: Sleestak for President

Dark Xena #3 - Go crazy, bloggers

I wasn't aware that hand-prepared leather had such adhesive properties.

Tags: Seduction of the Innocent Xena

Out in the dark is a beckoning candle

Now that the will of the American people has found me like Diogenes with his lamp and my candidacy is firmly established by the support of honest, hard-working, loyal Americans I have to begin the search for a Running Partner.

Notice I did not say "Running Mate" as the word "mate" has icky connotations I prefer not to dwell on.

This is not an easy decision and not one to make lightly. The Office of the Vice President is important. If a sitting President should be assassinated by a jealous monkey then the Vice President must step up into the role of leadership, something many are not capable of in spite of their many other skills. The VP should not be someone who is "promoted to the level of their incompetence". They must be ready (but not too ambitious if you know what I mean) to take over the rudder that guides America through the rocky shoals of terrorism and hippies.

The search begins.

Tags: Sleestak for President

How can you run when you know?

During my routine travels meeting the fine, patriotic folks of America that made America the great American country that it is today, I took the opportunity to look in on the other candidates and their staff just to make sure they were okay and had plenty of warm clothes and foods to eat.

It is with regret that I must report the truth as a loyal American, no matter how much it hurts. The campaigns of the candidates are in utter disarray as even a casual glance by a passer-by such as myself reveals. That their campaigns are in such a sorry state is symptomatic of bad morals and Un-American values.

Financing a campaign is expensive if you do not have the wit, talent and American fortitude to overcome cash flow deficits using personal intelligence. Often politicians flood the media believing that spin, lies and negative attack sound bytes are a valid substitute for duty, honor and American values.

I was saddened by reports from the Monkerstein Campaign office above the Pizza Hut about the frequent charges of sexual harassment by the doctor to his staff.

Vote Monkerstein Official Public Relations Street Poster, $12.95.

The Monkerstein Campaign is so obviously corrupt and dysfunctional that the image above, used as evidence in the civil suit Monkerstein vs. All Females Everywhere is somehow considered a positive promotional tool and was signed off to be used by Monkerstein himself. Madness! Contributors are also drying up as scandal after scandal is revealed and Monkerstein has resorted to relying upon Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS to solicit enough working capital just to keep even with the hush-money payouts.

Official photo from the $20 per plate Monkerstein Campaign Funding Dinner held at the Marriott.

Amusingly, the Zaius campaign limps along even as professional campaign managers defect in droves for greener jungles. With the absence of a professional campaign staff Dr. Zaius has resorted to using heavily medicated out-patients from the local mental hospital, with comical results.

Actual photo of an executive assistant from Zaius for President HQ aka Stall #4, Farmer's Market.

Perhaps if Dr. Zaius wasn't spending all his time driving around Europe stealing jewels and artistic masterpieces with his Partner in Corruption, Diabolik, he could focus on his campaign and perhaps do some good.

Image captured by a red-light camera in France.

The tactics recently deployed by Dr. Zaius are heinous, especially as he parrots the already many-times-discredited charges by others that I somehow lure people into some strange personality cult. Monkey-see, Monkey-do, eh Doctor? While Zaius has no chance of becoming President, at least some homeless or insane people will have jobs on his campaign, however temporary.

Samurai Frog had perhaps the saddest example of campaign organization of any of them. The constituency could barely look at him when they passed the pathetic, begging figure on the street. When the public did deign him with a glance it was only to to ensure their aim as they pelted him with garbage and spit.

Satellite office managed by Samurai Frog, 5th and Market

I felt sorry for the amphibian and gave him a dollar to get something to eat, feeling like a sucker because I knew he would only use it to purchase booze or drugs. Fortunately, Samurai Frog's stench ensured that plenty of flies would gather, offering him at least the barest minimum sustenance required to sustain life.

Most disturbing was the campaign of Dr. Smith, who has made repeated charges against the candidates that proved not only wrong, but to be wholly fictional.

When not engaged in drunken, angry, pre-marital, non-Biblically approved sex the masterminds of the Smith campaign headquartered in the By the Hour Motel near the airport spend their few non-conjugating moments sabotaging the campaigns of viable candidates such as myself.

Room 124, Dr. Smith Campaign Headquarters and Orgy Hole.

This was proven to me when I walked by the hotel and was accosted by Smith campaign managers Lurleen Johnston and Billy-Joe Harley. After being asked for money to purchase beer and Press-On Nails by Lurleen, I was confronted by Billy-Joe, who pressed a large stack of bumper stickers into my hand, urging me to "Hang out in front of K-Mart and get the suckers to buy one for a buck. Say it's for sick kids or something, I don't care, har har har. Don't forget 90 cent of each doller is mine."

After that awkward hustle Billy-Joe smacked Lurleen roughly on her hindquarters and then scratched himself so I departed, correctly guessing that the meeting was adjourned. When I returned to my fine, well-constructed American car I discovered that in my absence the same bumper sticker Billy-Joe gave me earlier was now on my car. The adhesive backing the sticker was cheap and had permanently damaged the paint job. Under the windshield wiper was a hastily scrawled invoice claiming "U oh me a doller".

The campaign of candidate Phydeaux is in the most serious trouble not only with the authorities, but with America itself! I, along with all the other loyal, honest, hard-working Americans in this fine country of America was shocked (though not surprised) that Phydeaux was recently exposed as having sold American secrets to foreign countries in order to finance his campaign and disgusting personal habits.

Recent FBI surveillance photo.

I know that all good, loyal, patriotic Americans all over America will join me in praying for those innocent, patriotic spies and their families that have been ruthlessly murdered due to the actions of a bad dog's greedy, selfish actions and desire for political gain.

I am saddened that instead of focusing on the issues the various candidates instead choose to attempt to hoodwink good, loyal, patriotic Americans. As ever the truth will win, because truth is self-evident. The candidates will never halt their march over liberty and all that is good and I am here to state unequivocally that I will reluctantly accept the joyful burden of serving America.
Fortunately, real Americans can be relied upon to take the only sane, rational, patriotic course and elect the only candidate to the Office of President that will never forget he has 200 million bosses to work tirelessly for in this great country of America, for Americans, by Americans.

Tags: Sleestak for President

TMI, Wes

Panel from Adventure Comics #59 (February 1951).

Tags: Golden Age Seduction of the Innocent

Ten Things About The Brave and the Bold #5

With the publication of The Brave and the Bold #5 (September 2007) Mark Waid (yes, him), George Perez and the rest of the creative team has officially made comics great again.

10 things that made this comic great:

1- The Legion using the empty armor of Galactus for their HQ.

2- ELBOW to the FACE.

3- Invisible Fan Boy.

4- Silver Age goodness via the hat tip to Carmine Infantino in using the classic Zeta Beam Impact pose.

5- George Perez Legion!

6- Supergirl not the Superlolita Mall-Rat Who Sucks.

7- Cro-Magnon making a monkey out of the more evolved species.

8- No Lobo.

9- Everybody was Dark Night Dancing! Hah!

10- Luck Lords!

This book is better every issue.

Tags: DC Comics

Cool Golden Age Page of the Day: Aren't they all two-faced?

Beautiful model/actress/super star Nadya had one side of her face scarred in an accident and for revenge embarked on a reign of terror! In short order Nadya became the mastermind of an organized crime ring specializing in theft and the murder of those she felt had wronged her!

Nadya's killing spree finally came to an end when an opening door knocked her off balance and she fell out a high window to plummet to a scrunchy death. Another villain gets what they deserve! Don't miss the subtle message of this tale: That unattractive women are better off dead!

Hmm, where did I see that story before? Oh, yes. Here it is.

Cool Page from Super-Mystery Comics v4, #2 (April 1944).

Tags: Golden Age Cool Golden Age Page of the Day

Time is on my side

While I am tempted to respond in length to the insidious Dr. Smith and his unverifiable claims that I am maintaining a religious cult under the guise of being a fan of Actress Supreme Hayley Mills, I believe these excerpts from the February 2007 issue of the much-respected Time magazine will shine a light on the various players, their precarious mental state and fitness to serve America and put those vile rumors to a much deserved rest.


POLITICS
Why Won't Dr. Zachary Smith Put His Compassion Where His Mouth Is?

"All politicians seek out photo opportunities in order to ingratiate themselves with the voters and appear as if they are 'one of them' and not some wealthy, arrogant Royal with no connection to the people they are eager to govern. Dr. Smith, possible Presidential candidate, has been out and about with his crew of spin-warlocks and photographers building support. But unlike other politicians Dr. Smith isn't exactly pressing the flesh. He appears in public only in controlled, sanitized environments and is terrified by coming into contact with the common man.

In those rare occurrences when he actually must appear on the same stage as an American patriot he shakes visibly, sweats profusely and cries. He refuses to remove his macro-biotic re-breathing air filter until all "Non-Me's" are removed from the vicinity. When asked about his odd, psychotic, weird and Un-American behavior Dr. Smith had only this to say, "People stink. The average American makes me physically ill. Oh, my God! They smell...and they come in so many different colors and shapes! When I'm President I will take steps to ensure I correct that little flaw in the genome. They will suffer! Oh, they will feel the pain! The pain! I mean...no comment!"

MEDIA
Dr. Monkerstein and Bill O: Mutual Admiration Society

"Not even the Teamsters will go in the studio after a rehearsal." Says one The O Show staffer on the condition of anonymity. "Dr. Monkerstein shows up at least once a week and Bill just tears up the script and bumps whoever was going to appear in favor of Monkerstein. We were scheduled to have Osama Bin Laden on once back in 2000 to explain Middle Eastern politics and then Monkerstein shows up and bam! out goes old Beard-O, who was so pissed about that. The odd thing is that Bill orders the set closed and everybody has to wait outside so they can "rehearse" the segment. All I know is we don't get any filming done that day and the interns always quit in fear after hearing all the monkey howling, screams and the sounds of a Tesla coil arcing that come out of the studio."

BUSINESS
Dr. Zaius To Buy South America
"I love bananas. I mean, people can say they like bananas and even that they love bananas. They have no idea what that term means. But I do. I really, really love bananas. OH, GOD! I LOVE BANANAS! I could be in my tenth year of addiction to heroin and going through my second day of withdrawal and if you showed me a banana I would drop the needle in a second. If Zira herself rolled around in fresh dung and presented her engorged haunches to me and you waved a banana in my face you can guess what I would be sinking my teeth into! That's right, the banana! Hot monkey love always loses to a warm banana! Banana-fanna-fo-fanna...BAH-NAN-UH! I guess you have to be an ape to understand the joy in eating a banana. Bananas. Bananas. Bananas. Bananas. Bananas. Ba-NAN-as. BAN plus ANAS equals AWESOME! You can say the 'bananas' a million times and the word doesn't lose any meaning or power. I wish I had more mouths so I could just cram them all full of bananas. If I had another orifice that I could fill with bananas I would...hum...could you excuse me for a while? Thanks."

ENTERTAINMENT
There Are Advantages To Time Travel

In this rare publicity photo from 1961 recently made available to the public, young actress Hayley Mills is taking a break from her hectic schedule and can be seen clowning around with a fan on the set of The Parent Trap.

Photo courtesy the Sleestak Collection.

Tags: Sleestak for President

Breaking news from the Hayley Mills Celebratory Complex

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Dr. Smith Outed As Liar, Campaign Suffers

San Diego, Ca. - (HMCC News Service) - Fully bi-partisan, American and patriotic Red Cross inspectors backed by the United Nations recently completed a 5-Day tour of the Hayley Mills Celebratory Complex in San Diego, California. The honest, duty-bound Red Cross agents announced that contrary to charges by political hack Dr. Smith, that Miss Germaine Gregarious is probably not on the grounds of the center nor is she likely held against her will. She is definitely not working in the Hayley Mills Gift Emporium, either. An investigation by UN officials has reported that "Since it is Sunday, Miss Gregarious is very likely in a rehab center somewhere. Again."

The Red Cross also found no evidence of "brainwashing" or "cult-like practices" during their private, sequestered three-night stay in the luxurious HMCC Meditation and Cultural Correction Center stating for the record, "How can one be "brainwashed" by what is glorious truth?"

Tags: Sleestak for President

More Meddlesome Girls

From the story The Corpse in the Bedroom, in Calling All Girls #64 (October 1960).

Story by Peg Tyndal Jackson. Art by John J. Floherty.

Tags: Illustration Mystery Meddlesome Girls