Sunday, July 15, 2007

Going to the Candidate's debate

While I had intended to wait until the news broke that Dr. Smith's personal cellphone number appears on the DC Madam's telephone logs, the recent scurrilous claims that I have kidnapped Miss Gregarious and forced her to undergo radical surgery to resemble a much-admired English actress has forced me to prematurely throw my matrix table into the ring and announce my candidacy for President of the United States.

Firstly, I feel I must answer the allegations about the disappearance of the lovely Germaine Gregarious leveled against myself by the muck-raking Dr. Smith. That Miss Gregarious has been abducted and forced to act out all the scenes from the Hayley Mills opus, The Chalk Garden, in my exclusive and private underground arena the HAYLEYDOME, I must assert that such a claim is positively, absolutely, 100 per cent, probably not true.

Moving right along I would like to address real, American issues that Americans care about. Unlike the others who rely on prevarication to confuse the American people, I trust that anyone smart enough to be patriotic and American will not fall for their lies and back the right candidate.
Some have questioned my qualifications to be President. As usual, lies and spin are deployed in order to attempt to fool people into forgetting I am master of a dimensional world, have several advanced doctorates in arcane science and along with being able to journey between dimensions at will I have also mastered time travel! Let me ask you, where has Samurai Frog gone? What has he done? Other than frequent visits to Communist Vietnam I would propose he has not accomplished much at all.

Many pundits claim that the current administration exists within a bubble separate from reality. Now, the liberal media says this like it is a bad thing. I myself have lived within a pocket universe quite distant from this reality for decades and in spite of being cut off from the world at large have had little difficulty in maintaining a healthy, productive society.

As for Evil Mr. Spock...well, we all know about him.
My realm, colloquially known as the Land of the Lost, or as I prefer to call it, The Land of Opportunity, has many parallels to American society. Yes, we in the LoO have all the ills of modern society that any patriotic country has. Unemployment, health care, illegal immigration are all concerns (particularly those pesky white people that keep jumping the pylons and squatting in our public parks and camping in our protected, historically valuable national temples). But we also have advantages which far outweigh the occasional T-Rex rampage. Free energy in the form of easily mined power crystals, tens of square miles of beautiful pristine jungle that bears giant fruit and our technological base is second to none.

Monkerstein presents itself as the last, best hope for progress and America. That is ridiculous! In ruling my own pocket universe successfully I am uniquely qualified to govern and guide America into the future, a future that does not end with devolved, savage humans scrabbling for the last rodent to eat for dinner. Monkerstein's well-documented sick personal habits and addiction to stalking B-List celebrities is the sort of threat that America can not tolerate. Monkerstein has no real qualifications for leadership other than the dubious distinction of one of the scavenged body parts used to create his current form once initiated a round of poop-flinging at some orphans visiting the zoo with their sick puppies.
Unlike "Doctors" Monkerstein, Zaius and Smith , I am not beholden to special interests. To date not one of the candidates has disclosed their campaign financial records as required by law and patriotic American duty. Why so silent on the subject Dr. Zaius? Afraid that patriotic, good, wholesome Americans will discover just how many Big Pharma pies you have your damn, dirty paws sunk to the elbows into?



  1. Your presidential hopes will lie dashed upon the rocks of destiny which lay on the shore of Lake of Diappointment! Your bitter tears will fill up said lake, just like those of Smith and Zaius!

    The Monkerstein campaign is the only campaign that came about due to a groundswell movement to see me in office!

    You're going down you sleazy Sleestak! And so is Zaius and Smith!

  2. It is my sad (yet patriotic) duty to inform you that the only "ground swell" you will experience will be when you see the mounds of the mass graves of your victims all over CNN.

  3. sleestak, you nefarious ninny, my number was in the DC Madam's phone logs merely because I was attempting to win her back to side of wholesome American values.

    Much like those innocent preachers seeking to reform all those gay male prostitutes.

  4. "20" "5"

    That's a lot of "numbers." Sounds like you have a pro-"numbers" agenda.

    The American people are tired of "numbers" because they only bring bad news and things they don't want to hear like tax bills, credit card debt, penis size, etc.

    I vow to run a numbers free campaign.

  5. My dear Sleestak, I most sorrowfully agree about all of the negative things that you have said about the other candidates. The foul untruths that you are spreading about me are filthy lies, though! How dare you intone that I am in the back pocket of the drug companies. That is an awful thing to say about drug companies. Some of my best friends are drug companies! I take umbrage! Good day, sir. Good day.

  6. I was only in Communist Vietnam on a fact-finding mission! Things that are still classified and that I can't openly discuss. Besides, Jane Fonda was there and we had this things that ended in tears, I... I don't want to talk about that!

  7. If I could vote, I'd vote twice, nay, thrice, for Sleestak!

    Now, may I please have some more election bumper stickers?

  8. You appear to be a most formidable opponent. Perhaps we should form an alliance...


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