While I had intended to wait until the news broke that Dr. Smith's personal cellphone number appears on the DC Madam's telephone logs, the recent scurrilous claims that I have kidnapped Miss Gregarious and forced her to undergo radical surgery to resemble a much-admired English actress has forced me to prematurely throw my matrix table into the ring and announce my candidacy for President of the United States.
Firstly, I feel I must answer the allegations about the disappearance of the lovely Germaine Gregarious leveled against myself by the muck-raking Dr. Smith. That Miss Gregarious has been abducted and forced to act out all the scenes from the Hayley Mills opus, The Chalk Garden, in my exclusive and private underground arena the HAYLEYDOME, I must assert that such a claim is positively, absolutely, 100 per cent, probably not true.
Moving right along I would like to address real, American issues that Americans care about. Unlike the others who rely on prevarication to confuse the American people, I trust that anyone smart enough to be patriotic and American will not fall for their lies and back the right candidate.
Some have questioned my qualifications to be President. As usual, lies and spin are deployed in order to attempt to fool people into forgetting I am master of a dimensional world, have several advanced doctorates in arcane science and along with being able to journey between dimensions at will I have also mastered time travel! Let me ask you, where has Samurai Frog gone? What has he done? Other than frequent visits to Communist Vietnam I would propose he has not accomplished much at all.
Many pundits claim that the current administration exists within a bubble separate from reality. Now, the liberal media says this like it is a bad thing. I myself have lived within a pocket universe quite distant from this reality for decades and in spite of being cut off from the world at large have had little difficulty in maintaining a healthy, productive society.
As for Evil Mr. Spock...well, we all know about him.
My realm, colloquially known as the Land of the Lost, or as I prefer to call it, The Land of Opportunity, has many parallels to American society. Yes, we in the LoO have all the ills of modern society that any patriotic country has. Unemployment, health care, illegal immigration are all concerns (particularly those pesky white people that keep jumping the pylons and squatting in our public parks and camping in our protected, historically valuable national temples). But we also have advantages which far outweigh the occasional T-Rex rampage. Free energy in the form of easily mined power crystals, tens of square miles of beautiful pristine jungle that bears giant fruit and our technological base is second to none.
Monkerstein presents itself as the last, best hope for progress and America. That is ridiculous! In ruling my own pocket universe successfully I am uniquely qualified to govern and guide America into the future, a future that does not end with devolved, savage humans scrabbling for the last rodent to eat for dinner. Monkerstein's well-documented sick personal habits and addiction to stalking B-List celebrities is the sort of threat that America can not tolerate. Monkerstein has no real qualifications for leadership other than the dubious distinction of one of the scavenged body parts used to create his current form once initiated a round of poop-flinging at some orphans visiting the zoo with their sick puppies.
Unlike "Doctors" Monkerstein, Zaius and Smith , I am not beholden to special interests. To date not one of the candidates has disclosed their campaign financial records as required by law and patriotic American duty. Why so silent on the subject Dr. Zaius? Afraid that patriotic, good, wholesome Americans will discover just how many Big Pharma pies you have your damn, dirty paws sunk to the elbows into?
Tags: Sleestak for President