How can you run when you know?

During my routine travels meeting the fine, patriotic folks of America that made America the great American country that it is today, I took the opportunity to look in on the other candidates and their staff just to make sure they were okay and had plenty of warm clothes and foods to eat.

It is with regret that I must report the truth as a loyal American, no matter how much it hurts. The campaigns of the candidates are in utter disarray as even a casual glance by a passer-by such as myself reveals. That their campaigns are in such a sorry state is symptomatic of bad morals and Un-American values.

Financing a campaign is expensive if you do not have the wit, talent and American fortitude to overcome cash flow deficits using personal intelligence. Often politicians flood the media believing that spin, lies and negative attack sound bytes are a valid substitute for duty, honor and American values.

I was saddened by reports from the Monkerstein Campaign office above the Pizza Hut about the frequent charges of sexual harassment by the doctor to his staff.

Vote Monkerstein Official Public Relations Street Poster, $12.95.

The Monkerstein Campaign is so obviously corrupt and dysfunctional that the image above, used as evidence in the civil suit Monkerstein vs. All Females Everywhere is somehow considered a positive promotional tool and was signed off to be used by Monkerstein himself. Madness! Contributors are also drying up as scandal after scandal is revealed and Monkerstein has resorted to relying upon Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS to solicit enough working capital just to keep even with the hush-money payouts.

Official photo from the $20 per plate Monkerstein Campaign Funding Dinner held at the Marriott.

Amusingly, the Zaius campaign limps along even as professional campaign managers defect in droves for greener jungles. With the absence of a professional campaign staff Dr. Zaius has resorted to using heavily medicated out-patients from the local mental hospital, with comical results.

Actual photo of an executive assistant from Zaius for President HQ aka Stall #4, Farmer's Market.

Perhaps if Dr. Zaius wasn't spending all his time driving around Europe stealing jewels and artistic masterpieces with his Partner in Corruption, Diabolik, he could focus on his campaign and perhaps do some good.

Image captured by a red-light camera in France.

The tactics recently deployed by Dr. Zaius are heinous, especially as he parrots the already many-times-discredited charges by others that I somehow lure people into some strange personality cult. Monkey-see, Monkey-do, eh Doctor? While Zaius has no chance of becoming President, at least some homeless or insane people will have jobs on his campaign, however temporary.

Samurai Frog had perhaps the saddest example of campaign organization of any of them. The constituency could barely look at him when they passed the pathetic, begging figure on the street. When the public did deign him with a glance it was only to to ensure their aim as they pelted him with garbage and spit.

Satellite office managed by Samurai Frog, 5th and Market

I felt sorry for the amphibian and gave him a dollar to get something to eat, feeling like a sucker because I knew he would only use it to purchase booze or drugs. Fortunately, Samurai Frog's stench ensured that plenty of flies would gather, offering him at least the barest minimum sustenance required to sustain life.

Most disturbing was the campaign of Dr. Smith, who has made repeated charges against the candidates that proved not only wrong, but to be wholly fictional.

When not engaged in drunken, angry, pre-marital, non-Biblically approved sex the masterminds of the Smith campaign headquartered in the By the Hour Motel near the airport spend their few non-conjugating moments sabotaging the campaigns of viable candidates such as myself.

Room 124, Dr. Smith Campaign Headquarters and Orgy Hole.

This was proven to me when I walked by the hotel and was accosted by Smith campaign managers Lurleen Johnston and Billy-Joe Harley. After being asked for money to purchase beer and Press-On Nails by Lurleen, I was confronted by Billy-Joe, who pressed a large stack of bumper stickers into my hand, urging me to "Hang out in front of K-Mart and get the suckers to buy one for a buck. Say it's for sick kids or something, I don't care, har har har. Don't forget 90 cent of each doller is mine."

After that awkward hustle Billy-Joe smacked Lurleen roughly on her hindquarters and then scratched himself so I departed, correctly guessing that the meeting was adjourned. When I returned to my fine, well-constructed American car I discovered that in my absence the same bumper sticker Billy-Joe gave me earlier was now on my car. The adhesive backing the sticker was cheap and had permanently damaged the paint job. Under the windshield wiper was a hastily scrawled invoice claiming "U oh me a doller".

The campaign of candidate Phydeaux is in the most serious trouble not only with the authorities, but with America itself! I, along with all the other loyal, honest, hard-working Americans in this fine country of America was shocked (though not surprised) that Phydeaux was recently exposed as having sold American secrets to foreign countries in order to finance his campaign and disgusting personal habits.

Recent FBI surveillance photo.

I know that all good, loyal, patriotic Americans all over America will join me in praying for those innocent, patriotic spies and their families that have been ruthlessly murdered due to the actions of a bad dog's greedy, selfish actions and desire for political gain.

I am saddened that instead of focusing on the issues the various candidates instead choose to attempt to hoodwink good, loyal, patriotic Americans. As ever the truth will win, because truth is self-evident. The candidates will never halt their march over liberty and all that is good and I am here to state unequivocally that I will reluctantly accept the joyful burden of serving America.
Fortunately, real Americans can be relied upon to take the only sane, rational, patriotic course and elect the only candidate to the Office of President that will never forget he has 200 million bosses to work tirelessly for in this great country of America, for Americans, by Americans.

Tags: Sleestak for President