While I am tempted to respond in length to the insidious Dr. Smith and his unverifiable claims that I am maintaining a religious cult under the guise of being a fan of Actress Supreme Hayley Mills, I believe these excerpts from the February 2007 issue of the much-respected Time magazine will shine a light on the various players, their precarious mental state and fitness to serve America and put those vile rumors to a much deserved rest.
Why Won't Dr. Zachary Smith Put His Compassion Where His Mouth Is?
"All politicians seek out photo opportunities in order to ingratiate themselves with the voters and appear as if they are 'one of them' and not some wealthy, arrogant Royal with no connection to the people they are eager to govern. Dr. Smith, possible Presidential candidate, has been out and about with his crew of spin-warlocks and photographers building support. But unlike other politicians Dr. Smith isn't exactly pressing the flesh. He appears in public only in controlled, sanitized environments and is terrified by coming into contact with the common man.
In those rare occurrences when he actually must appear on the same stage as an American patriot he shakes visibly, sweats profusely and cries. He refuses to remove his macro-biotic re-breathing air filter until all "Non-Me's" are removed from the vicinity. When asked about his odd, psychotic, weird and Un-American behavior Dr. Smith had only this to say, "People stink. The average American makes me physically ill. Oh, my God! They smell...and they come in so many different colors and shapes! When I'm President I will take steps to ensure I correct that little flaw in the genome. They will suffer! Oh, they will feel the pain! The pain! I mean...no comment!"
Dr. Monkerstein and Bill O: Mutual Admiration Society
"Not even the Teamsters will go in the studio after a rehearsal." Says one The O Show staffer on the condition of anonymity. "Dr. Monkerstein shows up at least once a week and Bill just tears up the script and bumps whoever was going to appear in favor of Monkerstein. We were scheduled to have Osama Bin Laden on once back in 2000 to explain Middle Eastern politics and then Monkerstein shows up and bam! out goes old Beard-O, who was so pissed about that. The odd thing is that Bill orders the set closed and everybody has to wait outside so they can "rehearse" the segment. All I know is we don't get any filming done that day and the interns always quit in fear after hearing all the monkey howling, screams and the sounds of a Tesla coil arcing that come out of the studio."
Dr. Zaius To Buy South America
"I love bananas. I mean, people can say they like bananas and even that they love bananas. They have no idea what that term means. But I do. I really, really love bananas. OH, GOD! I LOVE BANANAS! I could be in my tenth year of addiction to heroin and going through my second day of withdrawal and if you showed me a banana I would drop the needle in a second. If Zira herself rolled around in fresh dung and presented her engorged haunches to me and you waved a banana in my face you can guess what I would be sinking my teeth into! That's right, the banana! Hot monkey love always loses to a warm banana! Banana-fanna-fo-fanna...BAH-NAN-UH! I guess you have to be an ape to understand the joy in eating a banana. Bananas. Bananas. Bananas. Bananas. Bananas. Ba-NAN-as. BAN plus ANAS equals AWESOME! You can say the 'bananas' a million times and the word doesn't lose any meaning or power. I wish I had more mouths so I could just cram them all full of bananas. If I had another orifice that I could fill with bananas I would...hum...could you excuse me for a while? Thanks."
There Are Advantages To Time Travel
In this rare publicity photo from 1961 recently made available to the public, young actress Hayley Mills is taking a break from her hectic schedule and can be seen clowning around with a fan on the set of The Parent Trap.
Tags: Sleestak for President