Grocery Store Artifact: Cheese box opening instructions

Things I must know:

What if you are right-handed. Is it wrong to open the cheese with the other hand?

Was a hand model used for this picture or was it just made up?

Who's hand was it?

Were they a nice person or evil?

Tags: Grocery Store Artifact Packaging

Friday Catblogging

Interesting day off. I woke up to sounds of people upstairs throwing heavy objects over the balcony and down onto the sidewalk. The apartment manager finally hired some guys to throw out all the junk and garbage the missing tenants upstairs left behind a few weeks ago. They also called in an exterminator and he is going through the apartments and spraying everything to kill the bugs they attracted with their slovenly and disgusting habits.

Across the street White Trash Kitty™ seems interested in all the commotion.

Kitty is probably focusing on all the bugs you could see crawling on the mattresses when they hit the ground.

Tags: Catblogging

Soon, in an apparatus-jammed power-room...

Whenever Superboy is moments away from death in a Lex Luthor trap, he uses his little known power of the Super-Totally Random Lucky Break to escape!

This isn't a rare, one-time plot-driven ability that will never be seen again like the Super-Hunch or Super-Weaving. The awesome Super-Totally Random Lucky Break was a power that was possessed by every single Silver Age hero and villain and they excercised its use at least once an issue.

From Superboy #86 (January 1961)

Tags: DC Comics Superboy Lana Lang Silver+Age


Hmmmm, I wonder if Lana Lang is related to this guy.

Pulp Firestorm

Chapter 6

After subsuming the rogue mind of the rebellious Dr. Stein, the Lobrimax Equality of Epsilon 6 returned to the dry lands of its' latest conquest.

"You have failed, Space Captain Raymond!" The mentality chortled. "Your useless electric-ray pistols are no match for the future science of Epsilon! Behold, as my mighty Epsilon brain, encoded on a mere 31 miles of magnetic tape, controls my fleet of robot ships by secret space radio! In mere days they will reach the star system of Sol, then all the people of Earth will be my slave!"

Space Captain Raymond girded his loins, bracing himself against the mental assault by the evil vampire of the starways. "You and your evil science will never conquer Earth! For we of the North Am Hemis embrace freedom above all."

The Lobrimax paused, curious. What threat could the Earthman, stranded on the tiny planetoid, be to the mighty Epsilon Empire? "What are you saying? Speak, Earthman! Or think it, I can read your thoughts!"

"I am a free man and hold the rank of Space Captain! I do not hide my thoughts, even from one so evil as you, Lobrimax! We of earth will defeat you because we have learned the secrets of the Universe! We have mastered the mighty POWER OF THE ATOM!"

The Lobrimax screamed. "No! NO! NO! I am undone! Curse you, Space Captain Raymond! We will meet again!"

Tags: DC Comics Firestorm Pulp Comic Books

Thanks to Pulp of the Day for the atomic age pulp cover.

Superboy #86: The love that dare not speak its name (at least in 1961)

In January of 1961, Superboy #86 introduced to the DCU the character of Pete Ross, long-time pal and unknown keeper of the secret identity. Later reboots would turn Pete into kind of a loser and victim with a failed marriage even as he became Vice-President of the US.

But Silver Age Pete was Clark Kent's best friend, who unknown to Clark, knew his secret identity of Superboy and covertly helped whenever possible. Pete was such a friend to both Clark and Superboy he was even chosen to be the new Superboy if the original should ever die or lose his powers.

Pete was basically a Big Man On Campus and was bigger, stronger and more outgoing than the persona of Clark Kent. Pete was, basically, the My Bodyguard guy that nerds fantasized about. Pete was someone who is popular and handsome and makes misfits feel accepted in the other social circles they are envious of. In their first meeting, Pete defends Clark from some bullies.

From there, the entire story turns right to the subtext as Pete offers to be pals.

After spending the evening together with his new friend, Clark is depressed and confused.

Now the elder Kent's were a pretty odd pair, they kidnapped a baby they found on the side of a road, after all. We already know that Superman's mom is pervy for Supergirl, so it shouldn't come as a big surprise that the next day they secretly set Clark up on a date with Pete. They could be motivated by fear, though. No one wants a moody, frustrated teen around that can juggle planets.
Most parents just toss their kid the car keys and give him 40 bucks and hopes he come home sober at a reasonable hour. That's not enough for Ma and Pa. They take steps to hook Clark and Pete up. The Kents' are actually pretty cool in a creepy, pimping way.

Clark immediately gloms on to Pete, who doesn't seem to mind. Oh, and Clark? I think everyone in that room knows your secret, and it isn't that you are from Krypton.

Hmmmmm. What could those "hobbies" be?

Pete is in the Drama Club at Smallville High. Color me surprised.

Cripes. Superboy is crying. Pete Ross made Superboy cry.

Pete's other hobby is playing amateur detective and Clark feels betrayed, as he thought Pete was wanting one thing from him but it turned out to be another entirely.

Don't get ahead of yourself, Superboy! It all turned out to be a big Silver Age misunderstanding, on many, many levels. It turns out that Pete was not trying to prove Clark was Superboy.

Instead, Pete Ross was trying to recruit Superboy into joining the Drama Club.

You know what that means. This entire story is just one big subtext party and seems like it could have been written as another subtle PSA on dealing with emerging sexual identity.

The creators who worked on these books are the same writers, artists and editors who horrified Congress and parents nationwide with lurid pulps and violent comic books, who now had to put out an attractive product people still wanted to purchase while flying under the radar of watchdog groups. Just because comic books are two-dimensional doesn't mean the creators are.

Tags: DC Comics PSA Superboy Silver Age SOTI

Friday Nunblogging

Midvale Orphanage often made ends meet by renting out orphans to college fraternities and car shows.


Tags: Friday Nunblogging Catholic Comics

Then: Hal and Arisa, Now: Jason and Gehenna

What is DC's deal with older males and underage females? I wouldn't call it a fascination with the subject since other than Supertart, there aren't that many examples of it. Still, two old/young relationships when a partner is underage is two more than we should have.

It's like the marketing department drafts editorial direction memos using data gleaned from a focus group formed from the worst fanboys they can find, all of whom are in their mid-20's and who are emotionally frozen at 16 years old because they can't let go of their high school socialization failures as they mature.

It's funny that DC adds this to the new continuity in the same month that Hal Jordan and Arisa's past gets edited to reveal that they were always consenting adults with absolutely nothing wrong with their relationship.

How long until Gehenna "ages" herself a few more years to match Jason's age? How long until this gets retconned to make the relationship okay by it being revealed that Gehenna was actually an adult made younger and amnesiac by the twisted experiments of a mad scientist?

- from Firestorm #30 (Dec 2006)

Tags: DC Comics Firestorm Hal Jordan Arisia

Fantastic JLA

Here are two covers that appeared within a couple of months of each other back in 1962. Often, you find that a comic book cover is possibly inspired by the art of a pulp magazine published months if not years before the comic book hits the stands.
When I first saw these covers I suspected that the JLA art was inspired by the eerie spacemen-in-peril art from the Ziff-Davis published Fantastic magazine, but it seems not to be the case. The issue of Fantastic was published in December 1962 with art by Robert Adragna for the Keith Laumer story Cocoon. The Justice League book was published in September 1962 with art by Mike Sekowsky and Murphy Anderson.

Perhaps ancient greek myths were foremost in the public consciousness in 1963 but the cover designs seem too be too similar to be coincidence, especially in such a small publishing genre. Interestingly, the astronaut wears a space suit design that may be familiar to the fans of pulp and comic illustrations. Given that the JLA cover had its debut a few months prior to Fantastic being published it is possible that Adragna had found inspiration in other sci-fi magazines and DC comic books.

Tags: DC Comics Pulp art Justice League

SYL

Six Years Later


Tags: Mark Foley Politics Congress Page Scandal Republican GOP Dumbass Predator

2000 years from now I'm a big star

There is an axiom that states "what you are really like is how you behave when you think no one is watching."

True, true.

I, for one, always assume I am being observed. It is a fact that Future Perverts watch us on their Time Scopes. To a future pervert there is no one in the past so boring or so mundane that they can't get off by spying on us 24/7.

That is why every so often I do a slow "take" and look up at the ceiling, lifting an eyebrow and affecting a knowing or bemused expression directed at my unknown observers. My expectation is that if I act like I know I'm the subject of future voyeurs it will take the fun out of it for them and they will tune in elsewhere.

Of course future pervs will use the excuse that they are watching people of the past in the name of "research". Right. Try using that excuse when your wife sees your internet search history.

Tags: Future Perverts Paranaoia

The love that dare not speak its name (at least in 1963)

And people thought only Marvel was progressive back then!

Check out how subtle the cover of Young Love #81 had to be as opposed to the covers of just a few months later.

In 1963 Marvel was exploring Red baiting propoganda and the issue of civil rights and equality using caucasian mutants. Look at what a much braver DC was doing by targeting young girls instead of boys. They were totally hip, man. It was now!

Tags: DC Comics Young Love Racial Equality

Mad Monster Party DVD: IT'S ALL MINE

In the spirit of the coming Pagan Celebration of All Things Evil that heralds the annual beginning of hostilities against Christmas, I picked up the classic 1967 film Mad Monster Party by Rankin Bass on DVD.

MMP is a stop-motion comedy/horror film that was a regular yearly event on television for decades, playing around Halloween as Frosty and Rudolph did at Xmas. The story centers around the announcement that Baron Frankenstein is going to retire and hand over his secrets to his nerdy nephew Felix. When the monsters of the world find out about it they conspire to destroy him.

For those of you who have not seen it, think "Nightmare Before Christmas" but without the suck. Frosty, Rudolph and MMP are Rankin Bass productions when they were at the top of their game. Movie fans will enjoy the animation, classic Universal monsters, high talent voice work and the homage to Billy Wilder at the end.

Guess what else? No security seals! That's right. All the package had was a shrink wrap to keep all the extra goodies from falling out. Since movie awfulness is indicated by a high number of anti-theft seals on the package this is proof-positive that MMP rocks! It is so awesome it don't need no stinkin' security tape!

Look at all the goodies that came with the DVD.

• DVD with character art
• Sturdy Halloween-themed slipcover
• Set of four MMP collector cards
• Behind the scenes booklet (Some Jack Davis illustrations inside)

I actually bought this for the child of a family friend but when I saw all the cool stuff that came with the DVD I decided to keep it for myself! Ha-ha! Eat it, kid. Life is hard, get used to it. I'm doing you a favor by teaching you disappointment early. Don't be like me, holding onto hope until you were 36 years old and get crushed by reality. Discard it now and you'll save yourself some pain later.

Check out the MMP Collector Card featuring Francesca and Yetch. The pathetic Yetch worships the feet of Francesca.

Francesca is hot. I was totally in love with her as a kid. She has that whole Tina Louise thing going on. MMP is a fun film. Laugh? I thought I'd die. All the monsters are fun and safe for children to watch, except for Phyllis Diller. She is freaking scary and will scar you for life.

Where in the world is Jimmy Olsen?

Tags: This robot is trained to smash your camera T-Shirt Fashion Comic Book Meme Geek Jimmy Olsen

Grocery Store Artifact: DVD Packaging

I think it a truism that you can tell how bad a movie is going to be by the number of security seals is on the packaging. If a DVD package is sealed by three or more strips of anti-theft tape then it is likely it sucks with the power of a thousand industrial vacumm cleaners.

I imagine this is to prevent the loss of whatever miniscule dollar the company can receive by deterring shoplifting and copying.

New indicator of bad movie: Security tape.

Old indicator of bad movie: DVD release within less than 8 months of theatrical debut.

Scarlett Johanssen is trained to smash your camera

If I'm the first comic book geek to take the classic elements of this Jimmy Olsen panel and mash it up with a celebrity, then I'm very disappointed in all of you.


Uploading to Cafe Press in 3, 2, 1...

I smell money in objectification.

Link to the flickr set.

Worst origin ever

And that's it.

Tags: Chuck Magnon, the Immortal Man

Mark Foley: The Horse Frightener

The God-fearing, salt-of-the-earth folks from another generation that Ex-Rep. Mark Foley was presumably raised by had a very practical philosophy about sex. They summed it up with the folk-saying "Just Don't Scare The Horses." This means that as consenting adults do what you will, but practice some common sense about it.

Here is how Foley could have avoided all that messy business chatting with an under-age Congressional Page that has gotten him into so much trouble.

How the IM's actually went down:

Maf54 (8:10:40 PM): take it out

Xxxxxxxxx (8:10:54 PM): brb...my mom is yelling

Maf54 (8:11:06 PM): ok

Xxxxxxxxx (8:14:02 PM): back

Maf54 (8:14:37 PM): cool hope se didnt see any thing

Xxxxxxxxx (8:14:54 PM): no no

And so on, and on, and on, and on...

What Foley really should have done:

Maf54 (8:10:40 PM): take it out

Xxxxxxxxx (8:10:54 PM): brb...my mom is yelling

Maf54 (8:11:06 PM): Yur mom???? How old r u?

Xxxxxxxxx (8:11:09 PM): im 16 lol.

(8:11:10 PM): Maf54 has placed Xxxxxxxxx on the IGNORE list.

I know the concept of personal responsibility is strange to most people but it is what it is, sport.

That's right. Keep it age-appropriate and keep it in your pants.


Tags: Mark Foley Politics Congress Page Scandal Republican GOP Dumbass Predator

Friday Nunblogging

To heck with cats. If Nunblogging is wrong I don't want to be right.

Tags: Friday Nunblogging DC Comics

The real reason why Hal Jordan and Carol Ferris never married

Because Hal is a dumbass.

Young Love #65 (Jan-Feb 1967)

If you are going to ask the Shadow Thief to be your Best Man you better clear it with your fiancee first.

Tags: DC Comics Young Love

I hope someone got fired for this

I'm totally offended by this panel from Dreadstar #16 (Dec 1984).

Syzygy is using the term 'Macho'. It is a word from a language used on a planet that was in a far away galaxy that Dreadstar spent all of 4 minutes on before it exploded 1,000,000 years before Syzygy was born. It's careless non-ironic use by Jim Starlin in fictional future conversations just totally offends my sensibilities as a comic book fan and reader.

Starlin should have just made up future slang for his characters to use like the writers of the Legion of Super-Heroes used to do*.

* And for the irony-impaired, what is up with that adhesive costume?

Tags: Dreadstar Comic Books Language Irony

Star Trek: The Delicatessen

An episode of Star Trek: TOS re-enacted using delicatessen products.

Store Date 00986354563.4: Old...people. People...who love. Take. To! Long! To! Order.

"Red Alert. Keptin to the bridge."

shah-whhhhip

"Spock! Scan for...M-Rays! Bones...stand at my...shoulder!"

Tags: Star Trek Delicatessen

You know what I mean, Verm?

Fortunately, the pressures of reality mean these types of people are diminishing in number.

Tags: Censorship Dumbass Fahrenheit 451 Banned Books Irony

Cosmic Mary-Sue

Has Jim Starlin ever written a character, villain or hero, male, female or other that wasn't some sort of a Cosmic Mary-Sue?

No.

Yet in Starlin's case that hasn't been a bad thing. Since the 1970's, Jim Starlin has almost always rocked the foundations of whatever comic book universe he fan-fics in. Starlin joins Jack Kirby as being one of those creators who adds a rich background to the shared history of a comic universe that gives other writers and artist fodder good for years of stories.

Vanth Dreadstar is one of those 80's characters along with Badger, Nexus and Mage that I would eagerly receive new stories about and buy without hesitation. At least for two issues.

Tags: Jim Starlin Mary-Sue Comic Books

Grocery Store Artifact: Evil never tasted so good

In exploring the links of a previous post, Dr. Obvious at the Ziggurat of Doom pointed out that the Seltzer brand Lebanon bologna mascot looks less like a Pennsylvania Dutch and more like Amish-Cthulhu.

While under cover of darkness at work I used a very sharp and wicked blade to strip this label from the flesh of a dead animal to get a better image of Amish-Cthulhu than what was available online. Don't worry, I'm not making an "Amish-suit"*.
He's right! Tasty, wood-smoked evil. As a Lovecraft fan I hate missing cool things like that when they are right in front of me. This Amish Easter Egg of Primordial Horror gives a whole new depth to that Harrison Ford movie. Think how much cooler the end of the film would have been if instead of Kelly McGillis tearfully waving goodbye to Ford as he went to rejoin modern society she instead manifested a hundred tentacles from her face and ate everyone's souls.


* It rubs the smoke-house flavoring on it's skin or else it gets the hose again.

Tags: Amish-Cthulhu Lovecraft Grocery Advertising Cthulhu

Passing the Torch

Chloe's Action (Comics) Advancement Team, (C. A. A. T), is hereby formed to petition DC Comics to bring an adult Chloe Sullivan from Smallville into the Superman line of comic books. Furthermore, to ensure Chloe will become important to the Superman continuity the following will occur:

• DC Comics will kill off Lois and Lana at the earliest opportunity and for good measure, Jimmy Olsen along with them (since his man-crush is never going to be realized and he really sucks). Their deaths must be pointless and terrible, like with Tasha Yar.
  
• Chloe will never be portrayed as a victim, ingenue or psycho. She will not be a hostage unless a man is also in the same situation with her.
  
• Chloe will never have been raped in the past nor will she be raped in the future.
• She will not gain super-powers even temporarily.
  
• Chloe is a blonde. Don't mess with the hair.
  
• Smallville does not have to be canon. The episode where Chloe had sex with Jimmy Olsen will never be mentioned as it never officially happened. Never. I mean it. Never means never.
  
• If Chloe is killed off in Smallville for cheap drama she will be brought back into the DCU as if she never died on the TV show.
  
• Chloe and Clark (Superman) Kent will have a mature, adult relationship that is not co-dependent or based on lies, omissions and half-truths. When they need to discuss something important they will do so and not be interrupted by flimsy plot devices that leave things unresolved for 15 issues. Chloe will not be referred to as 'Superman's Girlfriend'. She will not be defined by her relationship. Nor will she be defined by her sexuality.
• Chloe will not die by enemy attack or misadventure. Superman will not have the opportunity to scream Nooooooooo! and turn back time. Nor will she become ill and leave Clark because 'I want you to remember me as I was'.
• Chloe will be a successful professional, if not a reporter, at this time of her life.
  

Don't be thought of as weird by all the cool kids! Sign the C.A.A.T. petition!

Tags: Smallville DC Comics Alison Mack Chloe Sullivan C.A.A.T

Red Sonja: And the hits keep on coming

Another comic heroine porn-face sighting! This scene has Red Sonja, the strongest and most capable woman in comics and fantasy, once again portraying a victim of abuse as she finds herself regaining consciousness in a strange place, her face coated with an unidentified substance. She looks like a traumatized co-ed waking up in the morning after being slipped Rohypnol at a frat party from the night before.

This page is by Roy Thomas and Pablo Marcos from the unfortunately titled Red Sonja: Monster Isle One Shot (2006).

Tags: Red Sonja Porn-Face

Grocery Store Artifact: The internet has ruined me

The internet has ruined me. I can't look at these product price labels for Land O' Lakes cheese at work without automatically thinking Laugh Out Loud.

At least I'm not as bad as one co-worker, who actually says "LOL" in conversations and has sincerly asked customers if they wanted any "Laugh Out Loud cheese today".

Customers aren't much smarter, though. Several times a week I get asked for "that imported bologna" made by the "Lebanese".

Tags: Grocery Store Retail Advertising

Supergirl #10: Symbolism-palooza

Let's count all the symbolism found on the cover to the new issue of Supergirl, shall we?

Supergirl #10 (Nov 2006)

1. Techno-Vagina: Kara seems to being birthed full grown and with a new persona from a giant metal vagina. The vehicle must represent technology and may be a symbol of Krypton, Argo City or the spaceship that brought her to Earth or all of them at once. She is looking about her environment with curiosity and concern. "Who am I?" she appears to say. "Will I be a girl or woman? Tiger or skittish, baby deer? Will I pose so my front and back can be seen at the same time?"
   
2. The super-suit is behind her, which also reflects her desire to put the entire legacy of the Superman Family likewise. The outstretched "arms" of the costume are reaching out to embrace her, against her will. Kara can not escape her past.
3. Kara is squatting and in a subservient position. This represents fanboy/girl expectations of female super heroines and allows a look up her skirt.
   
4. The backpack is tearing open, exposing her secrets to the world. The shocked on-lookers are horrified to know her secrets. This is a common fear of us all.
   
5. The impact of the vehicle is causing her wig to slip, exposing her true blond hair. This reveals that no matter how much Kara tries to conceal who she is, her real self will always show through. As in real life, you silly Goth posers!
   
6. Kara is looking up toward the airborne glasses as she often must look up to the legacy of Superman. Kara feels she is being watched and judged by the glasses of the "Cheshire Clark".
   
7. Kara is wearing a schoolgirl outfit which represents hotness. She is also wearing sensible shoes which can only be a subtext hat-tip to her time spent on Paradise Island with all the lesbians. This is a story that must be told someday, hopefully soon and under the Vertigo imprint.
   
8. The deployed airbag represents maternity. The driver is in a position of infantile helplessness, supported and comforted by the maternal pillow. Or he's thinking of Powergirl. Whichever.
9. The iPod represents stupidity. Anyone who buys a $300 disposable music player is stupid.
10. The backpacks are clearly "baggage" of some sort. Kara not only has her own emotional baggage to deal with, but must accept the burdens of others as well.
11. The tires of the car have left the road. Yeah.
    
12. The dropped and discarded books are symbols of knowledge lost. That Kara is attempting to regain knowledge by rescuing the books represents the new creative team on the title. The hope is that fans who also "dropped the book" will also "pick it up again".

Whew!

Tags: Supergirl DC+Comics Symbolism Irony Who put the Bwah in the Bwah-Ha-Ha?

Does the Pope sign in the woods?

Even the Lord High Papal of the Instrumentality uses American Sign Language!

Of course, he uses it mostly for evil, though.

Tags: ASL American Sign Language Dreadstar Jim Starlin Ditko