Thursday, December 28, 2006

Grocery Store Artifact: I want to be your fake delicatessen friend

I can't tell you how many times I see some idiot touching my food in ways not related to preparation. As one who worked behind the scenes in the food industry, I'm surprised that all of humanity hasn't been wiped out by some kind of plague.

So here is an FYI for all of you who touch my food:

This is a great big NO-NO!
I don't care if the CDC itself gave you Bio-Hazard level 5 anti-bacterial solution-impregnated gloves that spent 24 hours under a UV light before you wore them. DO NOT put your fingers in my food! I have enough of my own earwax, thank you, and I don't need any of your personal supply making it into the food chain.

Just so you know, this is the proper way to hold a food container:

See? Easy as the pie you dropped on the floor and put back in the oven without telling anyone.

Also, stop whistling while you work. Disney cartoons aside, whistling while at the job means you spit in my food while sharing your favorite tune with me. It won't kill you to breathe with your mouth closed for a few minutes, either. Oh, and the chatting? Just shut up for the few seconds you are bent over the bowl when fetching my meal, as I've seen how even simple, clear speech sprays saliva all over the place.

You see, when I am behind the counter my face is a cold, joyless mask. I don't hate or resent you or my job at all. The reality is that by not speaking with you and barely acknowledging your presence, I am actually helping you by providing excellent customer service above and beyond the false-friendship of the typically chatty types of clerks. If you want some hygienically-challenged malingering pissant that wouldn't urinate on you if you were on fire if you met out in the real world touching your food then by all means, take your eye off of them for a few minutes while they fill a container with your side dish. I am giving your immune system a break by not prattling on about That Local Sports Team and drooling all over your Three-Bean Salad.

You should thank me for that.


1 comment:

  1. A few months ago, I was at the local Pathmark getting some lunch meat.

    The guy cutting the meat sneezed while facing the slicer, wiped his nose with the back of his hand and continued on cutting.

    And he got mad at me when I told him there was no way I was going to take the food.

    Needless to say I've never set foot in that store again.


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