Sunday, May 27, 2007

Pets vs. Garbage Can

I have some left over sushi from work. It is tasty but I do not want it today and it will be unfit to eat by tomorrow.

Shall I share the tasty sushi with the house pets? Shall the tasty sushi be thrown away?

Let's evaluate the furry vermin infesting the house and then see if we give them tasty sushi based on their behavior, shall we?

Stupid Cat #1:
Poops everywhere. Ignores litter box. Keeps disturbing my sleep by rubbing against face and purring. Attacks other animals. Runs around like it is on crack all night and day. Drags things down off of counters. Gets into things like briefcases and messes them up.

NO SUSHI FOR YOU!

Stupid Cat #2:
Poops on my clothing and bed. Urinates on my clothing and bed. Meows loudly for no reason at about 3 am every morning and doesn't stop until sprayed with water from squirt bottle and yelled at and chased outside. Sheds like some sort of industrial shedding machine. SLEEPS on the TABLE where I EAT.

NO SUSHI FOR YOU!

Stupid Dog #1:
Is stupid and needy. Makes noises while eating. Has a habit of making chewing motions even when not actually eating anything. Also loud. That's weird.

NO SUSHI FOR YOU!

Stupid Dog #2:
Begs for treats. Whines constantly. Catches lizards in backyard and mauls them to bloody shreds. Doesn't eat them, instead drags them into house and smears the mess all over the place. Urinates while running from one side of the house to the other when yelled at about the damn lizard mess. Steals toys from the other animals. Doesn't play with them, just doesn't want them to have them. Steals food. Urinates in hallways during the night and you don't discover it until you walk through it the morning when not yet fully awake. Attacks the other animals when they are sleeping. Nails go click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click on the wooden floors all night long because due to old injuries the nails can't be trimmed short enough to be quieter.

NO SUSHI FOR YOU!

Stupid Dog #3:
Scratches butt on everything in reach. Smells like an old dog. Passes gas every few minutes. You know it is coming because he yelps and trembles but no human can move out of the room fast enough to avoid getting enveloped buy the noxious cloud. Barks insanely for no reason and sets the other dogs off in a cacophony of barking, howling, yipping and fighting that continues for minutes at a time. Falls down a lot. Stands in middle of room and stares at nothing which totally creeps me out and makes me check that the windows and doors are locked.

NO SUSHI FOR YOU!

Stupid Dog #4:
Will FREAKING NOT STOP bringing you the ball to play fetch with. If you put the ball away cries and whines until you give it back. Sleeps on my pillow. Jumps up and grabs food out of your hand if you are not paying attention. Rolls around in poop and then wanders about the house rolling around on the couch, bed, chair and floor.

NO SUSHI FOR YOU!

Well. After carefully tabulating the scores I found the results to be as follows:

GARBAGE CAN WINS!

I held a winner's ceremony with the pests and the garbage can in attendance to announce the results of the contest. All the pets sat together in the kitchen and they got to watch me throw out the tasty sushi into the trash. I hope they learned their lessons.

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9 comments:

  1. Seems more like YOU are THEIR pet...(CUE Twilight Zone: doo do doo do...)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Perhaps if they were properly cared for and/or trained, you wouldn't have so many problems.

    I know they're not yours (your sisters?), but they seem to like you, which means that hope you're better for them than their proper caregiver.

    The passing gas is probably due to gastrointestinal problems.
    Has anyone brought any of these animals to a vet?

    And the urinating sounds like they are all trying to mark territory.
    If there's too many of them in a house, and they haven't acclimated to that living arrangement, they could be having a turf war.

    OR, they have poor bladder/bowel control.
    It seems that they go to the bathroom when yelled at.
    Nervous factors?

    Are the litter boxes cleaned out in timely manner?
    A cat will avoid a dirty litter box and whizz on the ground near it (or a bed) if their "bathroom" is disgusting.

    Then, if the offending behaviour has been going on for too long, they might have to be re-trained.

    Above all.
    Don't yell too much at them.

    They can't respond in any other way but to poop on you.

    Other than that, the shame of wasting food like that is a whole other issue.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Just poorly trained, sit in people's lap while people eat, etc etc.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You, uh, you know they can't understand you, right?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Why don't you find loving homes for these poor animals. Sounds like they are frightened of you. Animals are God's creatures, too. Love them or give them to good people who will love them and give them a happy life.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Someone is missing a sense of humor.

    NO SUSHI FOR YOU!

    ReplyDelete

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